The basic concept of consent is simple, and most men think they understand it, but as a Dom chances are you may not be taking it far enough.

Somewhat shockingly, basic consent is still a topic which needs to be brought up, talked about, and taught. Go to any club in any part of America and you will find someone being touched in a way they didn’t invite or want.

The basic concept of consent is really dead-simple: before you do anything physical (or even intimately emotional) with another person, they need to understand your intentions fully, and agree it’s something they want from you at that time.

The Dating Kiss Paradox

The idea starts to get a little fuzzy in the dating world, especially the vanilla dating world. If you are on a great date with a girl who is sitting there waiting desperately for you to kiss her, chances are she doesn’t want you to ask her before you do.

This is about the only type of scenario where the ideas of consent blur slightly. It’s still never acceptable to attempt to do something unwanted to another person, but it’s rare times like this where it’s your job to get a reasonable expectation of that consent before attempting to act. In the pickup world this is talking about IOI’s, indicators of interest. And still, you don’t bulldog your way into forcing a kiss. Move in with clear intent, and wait for them to commit to the act. You move 3/4 of the way and wait for them to move the final 1/4.

Most men confident enough to consider themselves dominant understand this, and are adept at understanding the situations, acting appropriately. The problem comes when we move into the BDSM world.

Implied Consent

There is absolutely such a thing as implied consent. For example, many people in relationships feel no need to consider asking their partner for permission to touch or kiss them at their discretion. This comes from many discussions and interactions where this ongoing implied consent has been explicitly given.

The misunderstanding comes from assuming previous consent to be implied consent. Assuming the consent given yesterday is applicable today with a casual partner is a mistake, and can effectively cripple your ability to be a great dom.

The Thrill of Choosing

While the details of your kinks and relationships will all differ, the one constant across all Dominant/submissive relationships is the power-exchange. For the submissive the biggest thrill, and the most important moment of all is making the choice to give away her control, hand you the power over her.

If you want to be a great Dom, your primary focus should always be on giving your subs the absolute best experience you can give them, every single time they choose to kneel for you. A massive part of this experience is affording them the ability to make that choice, to choose to be yours.

This means you have to lose the ego, and presumption. It means you need to understand that, even though she had a great time playing with you last night, perhaps tonight she wants something different. You need to be confident enough to make her choose.

The BDSM world is full of paradoxes, this one being at the forefront. Asking the sub to choose to submit, rather than taking it at your discretion will actually improve your perception as a confident Dom. More importantly, it will give others a clear signal that you’re a good man who will make the well-being and respect for their sub a priority in your play.

If you want subs to choose to play with you, you need to present yourself as a man worthy of their trust.