The basic concept of consent is simple, and most men think they understand it, but as a Dom chances are you may not be taking it far enough.
Somewhat shockingly, basic consent is still a topic which needs to be brought up, talked about, and taught. Go to any club in any part of America and you will find someone being touched in a way they didn’t invite or want.
The basic concept of consent is really dead-simple: before you do anything physical (or even intimately emotional) with another person, they need to understand your intentions fully, and agree it’s something they want from you at that time.
The Dating Kiss Paradox
The idea starts to get a little fuzzy in the dating world, especially the vanilla dating world. If you are on a great date with a girl who is sitting there waiting desperately for you to kiss her, chances are she doesn’t want you to ask her before you do.
This is about the only type of scenario where the ideas of consent blur slightly. It’s still never acceptable to attempt to do something unwanted to another person, but it’s rare times like this where it’s your job to get a reasonable expectation of that consent before attempting to act. In the pickup world this is talking about IOI’s, indicators of interest. And still, you don’t bulldog your way into forcing a kiss. Move in with clear intent, and wait for them to commit to the act. You move 3/4 of the way and wait for them to move the final 1/4.
Most men confident enough to consider themselves dominant understand this, and are adept at understanding the situations, acting appropriately. The problem comes when we move into the BDSM world.
Implied Consent
There is absolutely such a thing as implied consent. For example, many people in relationships feel no need to consider asking their partner for permission to touch or kiss them at their discretion. This comes from many discussions and interactions where this ongoing implied consent has been explicitly given.
The misunderstanding comes from assuming previous consent to be implied consent. Assuming the consent given yesterday is applicable today with a casual partner is a mistake, and can effectively cripple your ability to be a great dom.
The Thrill of Choosing
While the details of your kinks and relationships will all differ, the one constant across all Dominant/submissive relationships is the power-exchange. For the submissive the biggest thrill, and the most important moment of all is making the choice to give away their control, hand you the power over them.
If you want to be a great Dom, your primary focus should always be on giving your subs the absolute best experience you can give them, every single time they choose to kneel for you. A massive part of this experience is affording them the ability to make that choice, to choose to be yours.
This means you have to lose the ego, and presumption. It means you need to understand that, even though they had a great time playing with you last night, perhaps tonight they want something different. You need to be confident enough to make them choose.
The BDSM world is full of paradoxes, this one being at the forefront. Asking the sub to choose to submit, rather than taking it at your discretion will actually improve your perception as a confident Dom. More importantly, it will give others a clear signal that you’re a good person who will make the well-being and respect for your sub a priority in your play.
If you want subs to choose to play with you, you need to present yourself as a Dom worthy of their trust.
How do you present choice before every scene? How is that done without undermining confidence and dominance? I do see how being presumptuous can be arrogant.
It depends on the dynamic between you and your sub. For the most part you should have discussed all of the things she does and doesn’t want you to do with her long before this. If your scene will only include things you are positive she wants, and she has come over with the understanding you will be playing, you have a reasonable assumption of implied consent. If there is anything you haven’t actually spoken about, or playing wasn’t clearly part of the plan, then you can get this consent as part of the scene. For example, you can put her on her knees, sit across from her and get it then by asking with the correct amount of degradation for your dynamic. “Are you going to be a good girl for your Sir tonight? Do you want Sir’s big dick filling your little asshole?” Just know that if you are asking like this, as part of a scene, you need to only take an overwhelming yes as a yes. If she lights up, starts nodding, and begs you to use her ass, then you are good to go. If she looks scared and takes time before replying, then I would say something like “Well you’re going to have to earn it. If you please me well tonight, maybe I’ll put it in your ass the next time we play”. And then talk about it after this scene, before the next.
You cannot get consent as part of a scene!! Consent requires clear headspace and no power differential in place- emotions and new types of play need to be negotiated outside of a play environment. You should NOT be negotiating up during a scene, only down if necessary.
Wow what a great article Thank you from femdoming.com
Do you know any articles on how to be a good submissive
Great Article … how ever I would have preferred the use of “the sub” instead of “HER” through out the entire article and Domme/Dom also instead of inferring that all Doms are male, You should never automatically assume that the sub is going to be female and the Dom is going to be male. Their are many female Domme’s as well. Although the Article is a good one about consent… it totally implies that all subs are female and all Dommes/Doms are male… and that just is not the case at all.
Please leave your feminist bs at the door. As the author is a he, and he is a Dom, for him the sub is a she, so He is speaking for himself. Thinking people understand that the article is for everyone; Dom AND Domme.
I agree with BlueRose when reading these you should substitute your “labels” ( male female ect) for what ever “labels” the author is using. Be thankful the he has let us in on his style of play, to help us all be the best Dom or Sub possible. I personally am new to this, and my sub’s last Sir ( in my opinion does not deserve the Privilege) Was overbearing. She is now in awe because of the way “we” are approaching this ( I’m making sure she has input outside of play)thanks to this Dom. I have had to sift through piles and piles of shit to find sites like this that fit my style or at the least point me in the right direction.I have the highest respect for my sub for allowing me to play with her in the manner that pleases us both! We both thank you for what you are doing .
** On a side note I personally am using Klingon commands and titles with my sub. This allows me to communicate by a whisper simple instructions to her, in mixed company. This way if we’re over heard no one but my “Saj Tugh” (Female pet)will know what was just said. I’m a geek what can I say?!
Thank you,
PIn’a’ Ghatlh (Dominate Master)
That’s the author’s decision, based on the author’s perspectives. I disagree with a lot in the author of 50 shades, but I can also choose not to read such (discriminatory and contrary to me) text. Although I agree immensely that in this text the author does not speak directly to multiple gender roles, it’s up to each reader to continue reading, and take the parts connected while rejecting the disconnections. And to the others: this is not “feminist bs”, it’s an opinion, which you can reject or accept. I suggest a philosophy university level class.
Oh brother… this guy 🙄🙄🙄
I have a Covenant (kinda Christian Grey-ish) that spells out all Limits. And I get it signed with a new Submissive. That way, the Submissive understands my head space but is left in the dark as to precisely what will be done and when. If there are scenarios my Sub will be performing, I make sure to let him know beforehand, but I like breaking up the session as well. For example, tonight I will tell my Sub, “Wear an old t-shirt when we meet.” I just won’t tell him why. Think about how he’ll feel when he’s tied down and I cut it off of him. Expectation breeds imagination.
i’m having the hardest time learning all this–i’m a phone sex operator from a very reputable company; the calls got boring, so i advertised different fetishes on their website and when i put bdsm, i got more calls in a day than i’d ever imagine. i read a lot, watch porn to learn–but i suck at it. it’s very complicated. i want to take the course, but until i can afford it, any tips? they seem to exclusively want a dom.
Mr. LIND, COULD YOU RECOMMEND ARTICLES FOR SUBMISSIVES PLEASE? YOUR WORK IS WONDERFUL HOMEWORK FOR ME AND MY WIFE, BUT WE NEED PERSPECTIVE FROM THE SUBMISSIVE SIDE AS WELL. SOMETHING THAT YOU FEEL FITS YOUR TEACHINGS. THANK YOU