To be a great Dom and have a strong, healthy, relationship it’s imperative to make honesty the focal point of every interaction you have.
The most common reason most relationships, vanilla and kink alike, fail is a lack of honesty. Just about every single movie or TV show with relationship drama could have been completely avoided if the couple had just been honest from outset. Unfortunately it seems the “only as honest as I need to be” mentality is seen as the standard.
If you want to be a great Dom, you need to make honesty your number one priority.
Honesty is Hard
Honesty is hard and sometimes terrifying. It’s always easier to choose not to tell a partner something you know will upset them. What they don’t know can’t hurt ‘em, right?
This choice runs the risk of turning a small issue into a large one. It risks you losing trust, and can end relationships. No matter how crafty you think you are, the truth has a way of coming out.
It takes bravery to be truly honest. It takes confidence. As a man, especially as a Dom, it is your job have the balls to step up.
For the Vanillas and the Freaks Alike
While honesty and communication is crucial for all relationships, it’s much easier to avoid it in the vanilla world. The risk seems smaller, and the possibility of getting away withholding seems greater. Despite this, if you’re in a vanilla relationship don’t think you’re exempt.
For those in the BDSM world, honesty and communication are absolutely crucial. It is impossible to play around with a D/s power dynamic, or explore any kink adequately without it. If you are not capable of telling someone you love, or desire, something they should hear, even though it may ruin your chances with them, then you are not qualified to call yourself a Dom.
If you can’t push honesty to its absolute limits you have no place playing around in this world. You will never be great, and you will risk leaving a trail of wrecked, angry, broken subs in your wake.
Honesty is More than Words
It took me far longer to learn this lesson than I would like to admit. It doesn’t matter if you repeatedly tell a sub something, if your actions contradict your words. That is not honesty, it’s barely halfway there.
The most common time people in the BDSM world run into this issue is when it comes to being polyamorous. The man will tell a new crush explicitly that they are poly, and that they see other girls. Despite having reservations about this, most likely because she’s new to the dynamic, she agrees to give it a chance.
Despite having been honest in their words, the Dom will go on to see this girl exclusively, never talk about other girls, other dates, or anything of the sort. He has told her he is poly, but has acted entirely monogamously, not wanting to upset her, make her jealous, or whatever other fears he has.
Once the time comes when the Dom finally does go out with another girl, or brings it up, serious problems arise. The sub has issues with it, is jealous, is insecure. Despite having been “clear” when you met, the initial stages of the relationship were based on her not experiencing the poly dynamic at all. She made a choice to commit to you, based on the experience you gave her. Changing it entirely on her, on the grounds of “well I said it” isn’t an honest approach.
On the plus side, you will be shocked to find far more often than not the honest approach has the results you hoped for. Telling them what you think they want to hear is always a mistake, always.
Integrating Honesty with Dominance
Most good Doms will tell you they are very honest with their subs. And while I’m not saying they’re mistaken, I don’t believe most of them take it far enough. If your goal is just to be a good Dom, then you need to re-evaluate your choices in life. If you’re going to choose to commit to something your goal should be to be great. To be the best possible version of yourself you can possibly be.
In order to have a good scene, a Dom needs to be pushing the limits of their subs. This doesn’t mean they need to be doing anything extreme, or even doing anything they haven’t already done before. It’s about pushing her to the point of full emotional experience. Being put into a state where she is experiencing every moment fully, without her mind being splintered in many different directions.
Some call this subspace, some call it zen, some call it the zone.
In order to do this a Dom must be paying attention to the current emotional and physical state of their sub. You need to be reading her body language without hesitation or misunderstanding. To do this properly, you need to be able to fully trust the verbal and physical feedback you are getting is entirely accurate. If you’re not operating in a place of pure honesty, this is simply not possible.
Accomplishing this takes more than agreeing to be honest. You need to set the tone and dynamic of your relationship to be built on the idea of honest interactions.
To give you an idea of what I mean when I say many good Dom’s believe they are being honest, but aren’t taking it far enough:
A common rule Doms will give their sub is to always address them as Sir, Master, Daddy, or something of the like. This is a mistake.
Having a woman address you as Sir is a sign of respect. A sign of submission and of a power dynamic hierarchy. You should only ever want to hear this when you deserve their respect. If they do not feel in that moment you deserve to be placed above them, it would be a lie for them to say the words.
On top of this, you want to afford your sub the freedom to choose to break your rules. They will be punished as a result, but that is always their choice to make. But you need to know if they are breaking your rule out of rebellion, or out of lack of respect for your authority. This is one reason you should be very careful when making rules.
Use Honesty as a Weapon
Honesty doesn’t have to be all hard work. It’s the best weapon for any man, but especially those who aren’t extremely confident being vocal while in a scene. Many men are quiet during sex, or don’t know what to say, causing them to resort to repeating lines from the past, or sounding like an actor in some porno from the early 90’s.
Instead of stressing about what to say, just lean on honesty. When you have the notion to say something, but aren’t sure what, stop thinking and say the absolute most honest thing you can possibly think of in that moment.
Instead of saying “yeah baby, suck it”, you’ll have more effect blurting out your most honest thoughts “you look so unbelievably sexy right now on your knees. I can’t wait to watch you gag on my dick.”
You’re typically having to ignore these thoughts to try and think of something to say. Instead just say what’s on your mind “ohh my god I can’t believe you’re here in my bed. I have jerked off thinking about this moment for months.”
Honesty is hot. And when your words come from a place of honesty, they will be heard and accepted. No girl has ever been impressed by hearing a man tell her she looks hot. But she will find herself smiling about that guy who told her he had to come over to tell her she’s the prettiest thing he has seen all day.
One Last Pro Tip
In my article Words Matter, Speak with Purpose, I talked about the power of words, and the importance of choosing the best words for the situation. This may seem to be at odds with the honesty approach, but they actually join together beautifully.
A good Dom is always prepared. Part of this preparation can be planning wordings for future use. Here’s how it works:
- You know of a scenario that will be happening to you in the near future.
- You know from experience how you will likely be feeling in that moment.
- You can plan a powerful grouping of words fitting that feeling you anticipate.
- When the moment comes, and you feel as you had anticipated, you can deliver your planned wording with full honesty in the moment.
The catch is your planning will go entirely to waste if you don’t encounter the situation, or feel differently than you had anticipated when it comes. Don’t worry about it, just abandon the plan and default back to honesty instead.
If you make it a point to make your interactions with your subs, and potential new subs, you will see a marked improvement in the quality of your relationships and your skills as a Dom.
It’s scary, but it’s easier than you think, and it will benefit every single person, regardless of circumstance.
At last a well written article not centred around BDSM! I enjoyed it immensely and sent the link to my dear heart.
Thanks!
You’re very welcome.
How would you deal with a sub who broke up from her previous dom many months ago, is still struggling to get over it but say she is ready to move on with you, be submissive to you as her new Dom but also build a relationship doing normally stuff. Obviously you are patient with her cause she get emotional from time to time .
Would you be focusing on doing dating stuff or Dom side? What specific things would you be saying and doing to progress it?
Really wish I had read this sooner. My Dom truly does not understand what it is to be a Dom.
My partner wants to enter a D/s relationship, with me of course, but i’m a little short on experience. I want to know I’m doing things right. Are there any additional sites you could recommend for my learning? I would also like to communicate with you if possible. I can tell you are worth listening to.
I wish I had read this sooner. My inbred desire to not make my sub feel bad, or feel she has failed me in some way, has often caused me to be less than honest. I have stopped sessions because I felt she had enough, only to find out later she had not wanted me to stop. When she asked why I simple told her I was ready to stop. She is bright enough to know that was not completely true and as a result it has affected her trust in me.
Very great article as I’m just resuming this lifestyle after many years.of not being involved.
I want to make sure with my new sub that I can again resume being the dom I was.
She was forced into this lifestyle in her first marriage and it became safistic.,almost killed her.
We have been slowlybwirking towards this but it’s been over two years of gently reassuring her of my good intentions and not sadistic.
I’ve been in this lifestyle one way or another since childhood .Been from the sadistic to very mild bdsm .
I can’t stand the extreme sadistic what is known as pain sluts as women shouldn’t be treated that way but some enjoy and I don’t judge.
I enjoyed this lifestyle of mild bdsm and looking forward to it again so any pointers to bring myself up to date in this age will be greatly accepted and respected.
Looking forward to future articles and I will turn my sub onto this site so she can find out more about the good side of bdsm so as to enjoy .
Btw her ex past just recently and that has helped her knowing he can’t hurt her again.his mom sent her some of his ashes yesterday and she freaked last night.today I instructed her to flush the ashes so she knew his spirit can never hurt her sgain.its a new beginning and I’m looking forward to where it goes as she knows I’ve bee poly and want that again. Hopefully after getting more info she will understand the lifestyle I’m in.
Thank you for this article..I really struggle with confidence and want to be the best Dom I can be for her.This article helped me understand a couple of things a bit better.
I asked my husband several years ago to enter a BDSM lifestyle with me. It is not something I really had previous experience with, but more of a feeling that it was something I wanted, and had been drawn to (really kind of forever), without feeling like it was ok. He is a man I adore, and we have had multiple sort of “misfires” with getting into the lifestyle (meaning, we make a start, but then don’t really get much farther down the path). He is from a stoic family, and I know he struggles with the idea that vulnerability is actually strength. I think he thinks that when he is open and vulnerable, that he feels out of control, which to him feels like the diametric opposite of being a Dom. I am not sure I really know how to help him with this either, since I am trying to define for myself what it means to be a sub who is still a powerful woman. Both of us have self-confidence as an issue (despite being outwardly successful people), and I sense that the D/s power dynamic could be a really powerful place for us to explore this. But I am not sure exactly how to get started. In the meantime, it is hard for me because the more I realize I want to be dominated, and the less he actually does it, the less I feel like I want it from him, or that he will really be capable of giving it to me. I end up frustrated. And I know he is too. I would love to hear any advice you might have. Thank you for your time and for these articles.
I become weak-kneed just reading your posts. Hoping my husband will be interested! 🤞
I am female and a lovely man has approached me to be his Dom. He wants me to have the key to his cock cage on the first date. I have no experience but would love to try. Any advice for me is helpful. I have just started to read articles and find them to be very helpful.
I find myself in a relationship I enjoy very much and don’t want to end it. He has asked me to be his Dom, begged for me to make him my sex toy and tell him what to do. Unfortunately, I have never been asked anything like this before. I was at a total loss of what to say or do.
I told him the next day I would look into this and learn to be more of a Dom. Been researching for about 2 months. And finding out about myself, what I like, a list of what he likes, and thinking on how comfortable I am with causing pain, etc.. Picturing this going down.
We’ve progressed into some kink and i find I do have a Dominant side, although its mild compare to what he needs. He is patiently waiting for me to get on the same level.
Im prepared the next time we meet to step it up a notch and explore a few things I think Ill be ok doing for the first time, with confidence that it is the 1000th time, but I am still struggling with the physical pain and punishment part to this.
Sadly, the part he needs the most from me is the hardest part for me to figure out.
I have hair pulling and choking down, that was so natural and such a turn on to us both. It is more like pleasure with pain, control and satisfaction than pain. But how do I incorporate physical pain into a scene when I have no desire to inflict pain, other than he wants me too?
Like, how can i get into a mind set for that?
I mean, I can picture a good time or a good place to bite, scratch, hit, spank, etc but when it comes time im not really comfortable myself acting that out.
I have shared this with him. But i have also honestly told him I am willing to find a way. I think the block is in my mind, beliefs values, whatever society told me as I was growing up, you know. But also I dont have a desire to hurt him .. other than to fulfill his desire to be hurt.
Are there any tips for this?
Also, I want to thank you for you well written and detailed articles, they are very helpful in a starting direction where other articles are lacking any real content.
I am a Alpha Sub. I want to introduce the Dom role to my husband. I have been vocal about my wants on a lighter side but not sure how to get him in the role. He does have a dominant side it just hides 90% of the time.