One of the most common topics dominant men want to talk to me about are the rules for their submissive, more specifically what rules to create, what rules to avoid, and how to enforce them.
The entire concept of the D/s dynamic is a relationship built around a ruleset. Some of these rules are inherent to the dynamic, while the others are enforced as a reaction to it. It’s crucial to understand the goal of these rules to avoid making mistakes along the way.
I am a proponent of honest dynamics. What I mean by this is I, personally, am only interested in truly honest reactions and interactions with a sub. To push a sub’s limits, you need to have enough information to know exactly where her limits lie, and how you can push on them in a positive, beneficial manner. The more information you have, the more able you will be to accomplish this, and the greatest source of information from your sub will always be interactions, honest to the core.
This mentality is in direct conflict with one of the most common rules enforced by Doms new and old: forcing your sub to always refer to you as Sir (Master, Lord… whatever). My honest interaction mentality is my absolute number one rule. This means I only want to be referred to as Sir, if she feels in that moment I deserve that respect. If she doesn’t feel that way, then I don’t deserve to hear it.
What rules to make as a Dom, and what rules to avoid
When choosing rules to enforce, you need to plan ahead. Creating a rule that you can’t actually enforce, or a rule that is impossible to follow, undermines your dominance.
For example, what about a rule where your sub is required to strip to her panties as soon as she enters your home? This is another common rule Doms will come up with, but what happens when she comes over with her mom? Or when you have some vanilla friends over?
If your sub has to try and decide if you would want her to break your own rule or not, the rule is a failure. Rules and orders shouldn’t leave any room for interpretation or guesswork.
For this reason I suggest you are very careful about creating any persistent rules. Before you do you want to carefully think through three things:
- What are all the possible scenarios in which this rule may be obsolete or impossible to follow?
- Would this rule be more effective if it was implemented on a per-scene basis?
- Could this rule force dishonest interactions?
Going back to our first example, of having them always address you as Sir, this rule has possible issues with both number 1 and number 3 on that list. Instead I make it clear to my subs that it pleases me greatly to be addressed with respect. If I am doing my job, deserving of their respect, instilling a genuine desire to please me, then I will always be addressed as I desire, regardless of any rules.
The only persistent rules I have with my sub are as follows:
- She is never allowed to remove her collar without permission.
- She is never allowed to enter my bed without permission.
- If she is put on her knees, or all fours, she isn’t allowed to rise, without permission.
That’s it. All other rules are given with a time constraint on them.
Note: I’m not mentioning any relationship rules we have, just the ones related to the BDSM side of our relationship. The details of how you run your relationship will be tied into the BDSM roles you take on, but they shouldn’t be confused as being the same. If you are interested in the rules and concepts used for managing a poly relationship, let me know.
Rules for BDSM scenes
When it comes to rules for a scene, the only limit is your imagination. Since a scene is something you have nearly complete control over, you don’t have to be nearly as vigilant with the rules you put into play. As long as the rule won’t undermine your authority, make logical sense, and is created with a purpose, you’re good to go.
Common BDSM rules:
- Enforced eyeline: Your sub must look straight ahead, and only straight ahead, at all times.
I consider this rule to be a discipline/mental blindfold. Instead of her vision being passively entirely restricted, it’s partially restricted but requires great effort and control. If you push her hard enough, her eyeline will almost certainly break, forcing punishment.
- Speech restriction: Your sub is not allowed to speak unless spoken to.
This one is very common, and is used in the majority of BDSM scenes. Just be sure she’s clear this rule never usurps her need to speak a safeword, or to voice a legitimate concern. It might seem obvious, but you never want to put a sub into a position where she has to choose between her own safety and feeling she will be a disappointment.
A variation of speech restriction also used, sometimes in perpetuity, are banned words. While some Doms simply have words they dislike to hear, I tend to use this as a tool to correct a sub’s poor grammar. Specific common mistakes will be banned, speaking them will incur a punishment. For rules like this, the punishment should be known in advance, for example: Any time you say “anyways” you will get 11 strikes with the paddle.
- Procedure: Your sub must remember, and obey, a set of commands.
Procedure is an element of play I don’t use enough of myself. As the name implies, it has your sub follow set procedures based on input. The most simple example of this is using hand signals, and having your sub memorize a series of positions. Here are a couple pictures showing some examples:
Some Doms take procedural play to the extreme, with great success. If you are more of a task-minded person, or were in the military, this might be an angle for you to explore in detail.
- Vocal Queues: Your sub must respond, vocally, to specific actions.
The most common example of this is having your sub count strokes in impact play. It’s also common to have them thank you for specific actions. For example, any time I let you touch me, I expect you to thank me.
Any other rules you want to enforce are up to you. Just be very sure the rule will add to the scene, instead of hampering it. If you do feel a rule is causing friction in a scene, abolish it. It’s never wrong to make changes to things not working as you had intended.
How to give orders to your sub
As a Dom, every choice you make should be made for a reason. If you’re just doing things without thought, simply because it seems hot, or it’s something you saw in a video, you’re setting yourself up mistakes, failure, or inconsistency. As we learned in grade four physics: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Your job as a Dom is to focus on the reactions first. Every choice you make should be made in an effort to emotionally manipulate your sub in a desired direction.
When giving an order you should follow these guidelines:
- Every order should have an intended result.
- Every order should be perfectly clear, without any need for interpretation.
- Every order should be framed to fit the scene and the dynamic.
- Every order should be spoken clearly, with authority.
If you want to be a great Dom, your orders should never be two dimensional. Take this as an example:
I want you to strip for me.
That on its own seems like a perfectly fine order. It’s simple, and the intended result is having her rendered nude. Every Dom reading this has given this very order many times without thinking twice. But if you want to be the best Dom you can be, you need to go deeper than this.
Having her naked is a physical reaction. As I have mentioned countless times before, sex (and BDSM) is almost entirely mental. When you give an order (or make any choice) it should be with an intended emotional reaction in mind. Remember: your job is emotional manipulation. She can get naked on her own any time.
The more you push, and the deeper your sub sinks into a scene, the less lucid her thoughts will be. It’s possible to put her into a state where lucid thoughts are nearly impossible. On top of this, any order you give should leave absolutely zero room for interpretation.
The order “strip” seems basic, but it’s actually missing a lot of information. Instead this order should be framed differently:
I want you to stand up, stand facing me in front of the fireplace, and remove your shirt.
After having her remove all her clothing, the physical result is identical. But instead of her feeling no different, only now being naked, your series of most basic orders have removed any semblance of “free will” from the order, and has forced her into a position capable of making only a single choice: to obey or disobey.
It’s these little details which separate a man dabbling in kink, and a Dom transcending typical sexuality. Anyone can try to tell someone to do something they think is hot. To be a great Dom you should be giving orders with a purpose, and you should frame them in a way you will enjoy as well. While everything we do as Doms is focused towards the ultimate pleasure of our subs, you should always find a way to package what you do in a way you will enjoy to your core. It comes back to the wants versus needs. You give her what she needs, in the way you want it.
I’ve enjoyed reading your work. I would like to learn more about the lifestyle.
I am new to this but I would like, educated Dom so I want more information about it
vixensusa@gmail.com
I am Master Steve if you want real BDSM Master lets talk.
Master Steve
Hmmmm..I’d like a real Master that lives close to me.. That’s my problem .. finding one that’s reachable
To New 4u,
I live just South of Boston MA
Where do u live?
Where are you located New4U?
I’m wondering what part of the country you’re in? I’m in so.central penna.
FunTony55
Master Scott is available in Stuart Fl
Hello I Master Steve
Would like to bed submissive.
Hi Master Steve i am new to this lifestyle and am honestly curious about being a dom can help explain any questions i have. I live in Florida if you need to know
I am 56 and met a woman i love and she is a submissive and introduced me to this. I am up to this and very intrigued. I am so used to silence and focusing on my animal brain and balancing the directions is a learning curve.
Are there any fantasies built out, with scripts, it would be good for me to read and learn from those.
I want my bf yo be dominany. How do i approach him
HI MASTER STEVE I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A TRUE DOM TO SERVE IM A VERY CLEAN WMALE 195 6’1 46 AND SEEK TO BE TOLD TO WALK IN STRIP MY CLOTHES OFF AND TO KNEEL BEFORE MY MASTER AND KNOW THAT MY 2 HOLES BECOMES MY MASTER TO OWN AND DO AS HE PLEASES
I’m new to this lifestyle and trying to learn how to be the best dom to please my sub/wife.
Any advice?
did you get him to do what you want?
India
I love bdsm
Add to me
I like bdsm
I am boy
I am trying to find someone who can help my husband become a dom. He is willing to learn.
Hello. I am beginning my journey as a Domme and would like some advice on starting the relationship with my sub. Suggestions or advice for safe places to meet, queries I should ask and so forth
Hi
My neighbour actually approached me to become his Dom and I have to say it’s a real turn on that he is turned on by the idea
I’ve had some role play with a prior boyfriend but this would make me front and centre as the Dom so any advice I could get would be welcome.
Hello sir i want to be a real slave
Be my real slave babe…
Where are you located? What are your needs and desires?
If you would like to talk about your possible journey into submission send me an email @ your_onlymaster@yahoo.com.
Scott_rumph at aol. Stuart FL
H/hello sara if you want to become a real slave ….I want you to sit down write 5 things you will do for your Master……Then I want you to start memorizing the five things you sent ……after that I want you to take off your pants and panties stand in front of a mirror and say Mystery is my Master
Master White avaliable here let me useandabuse you as my sub
completelydescreet@yahoo.com
We should talk.
Not sure were you live, but I’m in California.
My comment was to Sara.
Hello slave real dom here in az
Did you find your Dom?
Where do you live?
Hello I am Master Steve want to bed real submissive.
I train submissive BDSM
Hello you want real Dom to train you onto submissive.
Email age and Location send pics.
hi can I emil you for ideads
Hi I’m a sub and this article is great!! My dom uses these methods on me
Maybe this is where he learned them! hehe. Just kidding, thanks!
I am new to this yet very interested. Anyone out there willing to give me some beginner advice
I would like to find a master.
Hi I would like to find a master that can break me down into complete submission and soon sometime… I am willing to travel if I can find someone really expirenced to help me??? Although I am in California central Cali really
Master Mikkoo is in Sacramento sub Valerie
Contact me at kik:
Mikkoo007
I am also in Central Cali near Fowler…..
This was very helpful. I have a sub on my hands and as an alpha female I want to be the right kind of Dom for him. We’re both new tbh
I’m new to this sir could use help sir
What is your location, Melissa? I can help you.
Hello I am Master Steve train submission.
Send email
I’m interested in serving a Master.
master here looking for an idea bud Gay male with gay boy
I’m new how do I set rules for my slave
I’m a femdom and this is real helpful
This is a very informative article and has been very helpful. I thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts on how to proceed.
Me too i want fun names to degrade my submissive to be a educated dom and ideas of what to say.
Hello I am Master Steve
Very well taught
Elaina,
I am a woman who has a male sub. I have never done this before. We communicate through email and see each other once a week. Any tips on my wording of the emails. He has asked me to be more demanding.
Always with Respect, sir master, or what ever name he asks you to call him. Be honest always he can’t help you unless you let him in. Ask small questions feel him out. Be detailed if he asks what you eat let him know the size of portion and flavor he will learn you by this.
Loving sub
Spaz
Hi. I am a sub seeking a dominant female in Arizona. Any thoughts where to look?
Fetlife is an excellent website, it may have what you’re looking for.
There is a site called fetlife. go there fill out your profile and should be able ot find what you are wanting there ron
Fetlife is great. Just know it’s more of a social networking site than a dating site. Don’t go on there and start hammering messages to women asking them to play with you, it likely won’t go over well. Converse and connect first.
Contact me slave and you will have the honor of living to be dominated and controlled by me, the Goddess Mistress Sofiyah. sofiyah235@gmail.com
I am mistress Olivia from south Carolina and I will like to here back from you as fast ok
How far are u from Phoenix
Demand he explain in more specificity, but do so in a way that he understands that your doing it to please him.
Your emails should be short and to the point. I am gay (male dominant) and I make my emails and texts short, simple and to the point. Because I also word them in third person, i.e. “Antoninus will …”, “Celsus will …”, they sound as more of an imperative. It’s also gender-based. Men NEED to be commanded, not asked.
Here’s one I sent today: “Magnus will jack off at 3.00 p.m. and send me a picture as soon as he is done.” No discussion. Just an imperative.
Dominus – I am a female Dom w/male ldr sub – both new to the scene, I would love advice from gay doms perspective to know more how to properly Dom my sub. How may I converse with you? Again, new here, so forgive me if it’s not cool to ask of this.
I am in the same situation can you share some tips with me?
He shouldn’t be acting like that. Not thru emails you have to show him who’s in charge. You can only be dominant when the both of you are in. A private setting in person once the session it’s over things should go back to normal , if he doesn’t have that switch then he’s not a good sub
I am hoping to get advice. My wife wants to be a submissive to a dom, we have an open marriage. He wants to own her sexuality completely and she is to follow all his rules per there agreement. He also wants to collar her. I dont know if my wife will get so caught up in the lifestyle that I will lose her or she can see him as her full time main guy. I can only watch her in group settings but I play the role of cuck I suppose since I can only watch while he uses her. It sounds fun and exciting but I am worried as well and wonder what I should expect for me and for our marriage long term. Any help would be appreciated.
I have some problems with what you said. Before I get into them I want to be clear that I only have part of the information, you or I could be misinterpreting things. I suggest that no matter what you think about my reply, your next step is to have a good, constructive, conversation with your wife.
Now, at the basic level there is nothing wrong with her having a D/s relationship in your open marriage.
That being said, some of the things you mentioned give me pause:
“He wants to own her sexuality completely and she is to follow all his rules per there agreement”
This line is a big red flag to me. It tells me this Dom is either new, a selfish asshole, or has been given incorrect or incomplete information. The reason for this is simple: she is in a sexual relationship with you. Her relationship with you is not “available” to him to control, to own. For that to be true he would also have to be your Dom. This means he can’t try to enforce many rules, as it’s completely unfair for his rules to negatively affect your relationship with your wife.
When I am with a sub in any form of open/poly relationship, I say similar things to this, with a big exception: it always starts with “When you are with me” or “when you are in my home”. When she’s with me, then she’s mine. When she’s with you, she is not mine to control.
Secondly, it sounds like your wife and this Dom haven’t started playing yet, their relationship is brand new. If that’s the case then it’s absurd for him to collar her. In the BDSM world collaring is sort of like our version of putting a ring on someone. While it’s not quite as important/formal/heavy as that, it’s a valid analogy. Thinking of it that way, it would be absurd for you to meet a girl, hit it off, and then the next week buy her a ring. That’s crazy, stupid, and reckless.
So as I said, it sounds like this Dom is either super excited to be a Dom, but doesn’t really understand what he’s doing, or he is a selfish jerk with absolutely no care for anyone but himself.
So go talk to your wife. Chances are she has fantasies and kinks she’s excited to play out, and sees this as a way to do it. You just need to make sure she can find a way to do this, in a safe, healthy, constructive manner for you all.
May you help me be a Dom to my husband he like to do as I say an told what to do an I’m not very good at those thing but I want to be cause he has done so many things for me an I will love to help him with his wishes
gv ur email id plz
THIS IS SICK AND MESSED UP. NO WOMAN SHOULD BE CONTROLLED BY A MANS GIANT EGO AND BE TORTURED BECAUSE SHE IS INSECURE. GET OVER YOURSELF AND STOP FORCING SOMEONE INTO BEING A SLUT AND ACTING LIKE YOU OWN THEM
If I don’t like it don’t read it I am a female sub and it has taken me 8 years to get my husband to see that this is what I like want n crave n before he realized I waited patiently now he fulfills my every need n I do the same for him seeing me get pleasure from the pain he brings me excites him too we have opened a new world for each other
Well spoken
I have been with my husband for 14 years and I know he is a natural Dom and I desire to be a great sub but don’t know where to even begin. I want us to please eachother in every aspect of our lives.
no one said that it was only male master and female slaves…. plus my master is bi-gender and was born female… so i don’t think you should bring feminism into this.. some people like being treated that way ma’am
sorry that was meant for um ‘you are sick’ :3
I say just ignore the pronouns and keep an open mind. Feel free to interchange M/F in any situation. As a writer it’s just easier to use this as an EXAMPLE of a dynamic. Please don’t be literal. Bdsm is so open and accepting of all genders and dynamics. Peace, love, and orgasms 🖤
Lol shut up, dom/sub relationships are entirely voluntary and are more rooted in consent and communication than any vanilla relationship. Respectfully, fuck off.
I think it’s really funny that everyone says vanilla relationship, but I totally agree… I’m just more scared then anything..
This style of relationship is entirely consensual.
The dom actually looks to fulfill the subs sexual needs and the sub does the same for the dom.
These are fetishes that are discusses. Anything that appears “forced” is actually pre disscussed and agreed upon.
The basis for this relationship is trust, communication and consent. Its a very close and very loving relationship.
So, you haven’t a clue what you are talking about.
-A switch 😉
You’re making the assumption the all Males are Dominant and Women Submissive! You may want to rethink that!
I’m neither a Slut, nor am I insecure. I own my own successful business and being a sub has nothing to do with the things you mentioned. Why are you here and commenting if the lifestyle isn’t for you?
Perhaps you should stop trying to force others to live your lifestyle. Not all subs are female, and not all Doms are male. This lifestyle is not for everyone, clearly not for you, but it is for me. I am a female sub with a male Sir, but surprise, surprise, I am also a feminist. This lifestyle is a choice, therefore consensual by both parties involved. There is a difference between dominating and domineering, as is there a difference between submissive and abused. I would also argue that subs do have a lot of power, as the Dom is there to provide, care for, and protect the sub. I provide service to my Sir out of my desire to show respect, love, and deference. We are monogamous (though not all Dom/sub relationships are) and my Sir is extraordinarily loving. Dom/sub relationships are rooted in communication. This is not a lifestyle based on kinky sex; it is about mindfulness, discipline, service, protection, communication, and love. Again, it is a lifestyle, not something you do sporadically, a couple of times a year. You live it, and you live it because it is something you desire. If you choose not to partake, don’t shame the rest of us for doing so. I am a survivor of repeated sexual assault, and to me, I can only be a sub to my Sir because he is the love of my life and best friend. I am not a sub due to insecurity or masochism. I am a sub because it is a very special thing to be able to trust someone completely; to know that you are not in control, but the person who is in control will not hurt you. To me, that is a priceless gift. I do not expect anyone who does not live this lifestyle to understand, but don’t come to our communities, our safe havens of expression, and chastise us for living differently. I am owned by another, my body is His, I dedicate myself to His service, I wear a collar, and I have never felt freedom in such a complete way – in my chains, my harness, my collar…I am free. I don’t expect you to understand, but human to human, as this is consensual, have a little respect or just mind your own business.
Beautiful reply Miss Haney. Those who know understand the truth: the whole point of BDSM is to be empowering. While the acts are paradoxical in nature, the entire point is giving you, the sub, the freedom, control, and power to choose who and what you are, and what experiences you desire. To be a great Dom you also have to be a feminist. If you don’t respect women at a level like this, you’ll never appreciate one making the choice to submit to you.
Small nitpick, but probably especially important in an area in which you discuss grammar correction. Inforce here should be enforce, and I believe you meant to use incur where you used infur. Enjoyed the article though.
Two typos fixed. Thanks.
I want the rules to manage a poly relationship, where can I get them?
Hi. I have been recently been approached by a male dom. I like him but I am terrified. Any thoughts for first timers?
You need to have some conversations with him, and make sure he communicates well. You need to be sure he is willing and capable of stark honesty. There are a lot of men out there who will use the idea of being a Dom to justify acting quite terribly towards women. You need to make sure this isn’t his game as quickly as possible. It’s crucial he understands the utmost importance of consent, he needs to respect you and make all of his choices based on what’s best for you, not just what he thinks is hot. If you get any, and I mean any, red flags from him run away.
As far as I’m concerned it’s impossible to be a great Dom and not also be a feminist. While sexually he might be a complete deviant, a good Dom will also genuinely be a good man. You can try to ask him some hard questions to get a temperature of some of these, like “What was the hardest thing you learned in your experience as a Dom?” or “What’s your goal when you plan a scene, what are you trying to accomplish?”
Ask him about any safety issues you should know about.
If he doesn’t bring up safewords then (or before), ask him “How can I be sure you won’t take things too far?”, and he should bring them up then.
If he ever tries to make you feel like you “owe” him anything, or he is entitled to anything from you, it’s a very bad sign.
Finally, if you want to be very sure before stepping into any possible play, it’s totally reasonable to ask him for references. If he is a good Dom, and a good man, then the majority of the subs he has played with would happily talk to you about their experiences. I’ve done this for girls on occasion. If he doesn’t have any than either he isn’t a Dom (or has no experience), or he isn’t a good enough of a man to maintain a relationship with a woman after they stop playing. Obviously some relationships will end poorly (and I truly regret every one), but that should be the exception.
If he has no experience, then it’s not wrong to play with him. Just don’t trust him as if he knows what he’s doing. Learn together, move slowly, and make him take my course 😛
Tell him you never tried something like this. Be completely open. Don’t be scared he will take care of you every need. Tell him all he needs to know. Ask to try it out for some time, if you decide this isn’t for you tell him. Don’t feel guilty if it doesn’t work out, it just means he wasn’t the one for you and that’s completely okay.
Miss Haney, your answer brought a very wide smile on my face.
I am a sub in a long distance relationship, but I have never felt so happy, so secure and so comfortable in serving my Dom with the utmost respect and love.
Your words speak to me, and it is always very nice to come across with someone that defines dignity and pride at wearing a collar.
I hug you.
You can’t be a feminist and be willing to be controlled by a man and his narcissistic nature. Stop fooling yourself. Wearing a collar like a dog is not free, it’s degrading. Being forced to call a guy sir like he is more deserving than you is sick. Not being able to do normal things without asking permission is sick. Typical hypocritical liberal feminist lmaoo everyone who does this is so fucked up
You’re either a troll, or willfully ignorant. Here’s the only thing that matters about this and feminism: choice. The whole point of feminism (as it pertains to topics like this) is a woman’s right to make their own choice. Their choice has nothing to do with you, your choices, or your beliefs.
It’s not hypocritical for a feminist to choose to stay home, be a housewife, and raise her children. All that matters is she is given the opportunity to make that choice for herself.
To the person who wrote “U need help”. You are either a troll, do not understand or just insufferable. Try doing some research before you insult others.
Firstly, some of us subs enjoy being degraded. So you cannot use that as a point. But my collar lets me know that my Master owns me, that we have spent a long time building our relationship to the point of receiving my collar. I wear it with pride and choice. I can always leave freely if unhappy. I had a bracelet made for him sayings SIR which he doesn’t take off, it is not just me!
I am a strong independent feminist woman who has a good career, home life and family life and thinks for herself and my Dom loves that about me, he believes in women’s rights too. What you are talking about is an abusive relationship, where someone does not have trust and is scared for their lives. A Dom/ sub type relationship is one full of trust and consent plus a lot of love. It is also not gender specific, men can be subs and women can be Dommes and some are switch.
I am a female submissive and have always known that I am. I was on the look out for a Dom and when I came across Sir, we spoke first about boundaries and what we wanted from a Dom/sub relationship and built up trust (yes I call him Sir out of respect and endearment and he calls me Girl- his good girl. No we are not Daddy/little). Our d/s relationship makes me happy and it is what I crave. He would never hurt me abusively, we have safe words in place if I ever am uncomfortable, he will immediately stop. I trust him to the end of the earth. If I was unhappy then I would simply talk about it and can always walk away. A Dom is never abusive- You need to learn the difference between an abusive relationship and a BDSM one.
Some of us enjoy power exchange and letting someone control you whether in the bedroom or in life. Some of us enjoy a spanking. Maybe you should give it a go some time! loosen up!
They are not fucked up it is the way they are…
Also… if you don’t like it… why read about it… why look it up… why discrimination… why judge people becuase of the way that they feel…. some people just are that way… I will not call you out and be rude becuase you have feelings and it isint nice…. I’m sensitive… and that comment… it hurt my feelings…
absolutely amazing..I completely agree with you 110%
Hi
I am impressed with your comment. This is absolutely my word. This submission comes from love, respect, trust. She love me so much, trust me so much, she submit herself to me, as to prove that I have nothing left that I can offer you. Her sole target of life is to see me happy, she doesn’t want any thing in return. This is absolute submission, and I feel so lucky, so proud, I love her more than anything else.
Akash
Thedominator1610@gmail.com
I am King… I am new to the community but semi new to the lifestyle. As I read ur comments n also from others I’m bein very well educated I have a clear view of my role. I also understand better of how to conduct n handle myself w my sub….
Hi miss haney…
I wanted to say i enjoyed reading your post. I appreciate your view and expression of love, mindfulness, care and more for your Dom. Thank you.
I don’t have a sub currently but have been close with a lady I know. I have been honest with her and communicate but missing her needs somehow.
Can you provide me any advice. I do find several women who might find emotional ties with me. What can i ask them to investigate?
FunTony55
Miss Haney,
I am a new Dom but,
You said it “PERFECTLY” !!
A submissive bordering on slave here, who thrives and feels wanted under a real Dominant Man Who will take full control of every bodily function and activity of His property.
Limits no:
Fire
Needles
Branding
Hot wax
Permanent body modifications except for tattoos
Body writing with permanent markers is fine.
Would appreciate a day collar for public use and a slave collar with D-rings the rest of the time, and a doggie bed to sleep on when services aren’t wanted. Would appreciate being called pet in public.
Sorry
Forgot email
tabethalettermann@gmail.com
OP just needs a good spanking.
That’ll change his/her mind.
This is not something you force a woman into; It is not sick. Your an uneducated fool that need to learn to do more then objectify you preconceived roles on others … If you read there are as many men saying I am sub and women saying I am a Dom… Opening your mouth shows everyone who the “sick” person is YOU.. get your head out of 50 shades of crap and lies and leave us alone.
if you are interested in an experience mistress Goddess to dominate you and give you that desired fantasy just send me an email to miss101natalia@gmail.com indicated your intentions, your name and where you are from so that we can get started…..
Lol.. now thats funny. Cuz im a female and im the dom. Which means my sub is male. Its not about ego you ignorant and i mean that as stupid ass.. if you dont kno anything about it keep your mouth shut and move the hell along. It not at all what you think.. so go away.
Hello. I am looking for a educated lesson. I am female dom but just getting into this. I have a male sub. I am much interested on instruction. Any comments or suggestion appreciated
@YOU ARE SICK are you lonely? Why are you here? How did you possibly get here if you have no interest in D/s relationship? Go read a book!
Well obviously your a tad curious of the dom/sub lifestyle. Why else would you have done research on It and ended up here? Don’t be a dick because your vanilla. Open your mind to the many, and I mean many orgasms you could have. Asshole.
You’re missing the point of the relationship between a Dom & his submissive. Submissives, such as myself, enjoy control & seek the pleasure in feeling dominated. A submissive must set rules in place at the beginning just as the Dominant does, she doesn’t have to do what she isn’t comfortable with. It’s very important for both the Dominant & submissive to communicate comfort as well as fetish. Once they find a common ground, then they may proceed.
Just because you don’t approve of what some of us want and NEED in our lives, doesn’t mean that it’s sick, ego-driven, or “wrong”. Some of us are secure enough in ourselves with no need for self-validation by being man-hating feminazi’s.
First of all, No Submissive is forced into anything they can’t handle or want to do..Everything is consensual and most of the time in writing..So both the Dominant and Submissive get want they want/need. yes there are hard and sort limits..but with every bdsm relationship it is ALWAYS WITHIN THEIR LIMITS.. A true dominant who respects and loves their submissive will not cross this line and always has safe words in place in case hard limits are experienced between the two.
I pay my bills and i am in control of my house and all that goes on. I prefer a dom ever though it’s new because i have no control. We have discussed terms before this started. We have a safe word and he knows where I draw the line. He’s very caring when I need it and strong when I want it the most. It hasn’t been a week yet, however I am trully thrilled and satisfied
No one is being tortured for a another’s giant ego. Male or female, they are creating a loving relationship. And would you feel the same way of it were a woman dominating a man? Being a feminist doesn’t mean making all woman into aggressive career driven robots, it means giveing them the freedom and power to choose thier own path no matter what others think a woman “should” do. If I enjoy a raw steak and a cold beer then even though I am a woman I can have it. If I want to stay home and be a mother then I can. You don’t get to tell me or any other woman what they are “allowed” to do and enjoy. That my dear is femism; the freedom for a woman to choose to do what she wants regardless of what you or any other person thinks is appropriate. And yes that includes giving up control to a man, or woman. Or on the flip side taking control of a man, or a woman, and being the dominant partner. Please stop using sexism disguised as feminism to shame women into being what you think they should be.
Bitch when you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about you need to have a little human decency and respect and shut the fuck up….you don’t just walk into someone’s how’s and tell them what the fuck to do so please leave and don’t come back
Well, considering the majority of submissives are in an empowering role in their daily lives we, for the most part, choose to relinquish control to someone we trust with our bodies and spirit. For example, I am an Army pilot and by no means being taken advantage of. At times I believe it’s the other way around 😋. *said with respect to all Ma’ams and Sirs reading this.
True statement.
Oh, but it is okay for you to tell the significant minority of women who actually prefer these dynamics what they should and shouldn’t like? Typical modern feminist. What ever happened to the good old feminism of giving women choices? You are a judgmental fool, lady.
I’M a female 18 years old. I’m looking for an online only dom.If you are interested or if you know anyone who is interested please contact.
Online only? Sounds interesting.
Online only? Sounds interesting.
You idiot this is a fetish that a lot of girls and men like to be controlled so bring that feminist bs somewhere else. And also don’t be so ignorant before you comment, know the situation before commenting.
Whoever you are, this is simple. You say no woman should be controlled by a man’s ego. So then, what if that woman wants to be controlled? There is nothing saying that she must be tortured either. Whatever she does/they do together, is previously agreed upon.
That being said, do you feel that the reverse is true as well? No man should be controlled by a woman? If that’s the case, and you are male, then I doubt you’ll ever get married, unless you control her.
You don’t seem to understand that, in this lifestyle, the majority of all of this, is completely consensual. Agreed upon. Even under contract sometimes, for both parties to behave in specific ways. So, don’t just those who would live their lives within this lifestyle.
I am a dominatrix. It’s a female dom. I dominate other females and males alike. I have two slaves of opposing genders. It has nothing to do with your emotional issues. Get over your damage.
stop sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong, the subs WANT to be subs, so stop being a busybody and sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong
HELLO YOU ARE SICK
MAYBE YOUR THE SICK ONE IF YOUR ON A SITE READING THROUGH IDEADS THAT ARE OBVIOUSLY CONTRARY TO YOUR OWN JUST TO BE ABLE TO JUDGE THOSE NOT LILE YOU. AND AS FOR THE FORCE YOU MENTIONED I AM A WOMAN ON HERE LOOKING TO BE FORCED BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I LIKE ITS WHAT I WANT AND IF U DONT UNDERSTAND THAT MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST HAVE A CUP OF TEA BEORE YOU FAINT AND GET OFF THIS SIGHT BECAUSE THOSE DELICATE SENSIBILITS OF YOURS SEEM TO BE GETTING OFFENDED
@ YOU ARE SICK, If it’s not your thing please move on. Just because your kinks are not resonated with someone else’s doesn’t make you right. Some subs want nothing more then to be collared, owned, paint therapy….I’m sorry you’re unable to see the release and serenity that submission holds to a collared individual. Men are subs too. Women are Doms also. Being either dominant or submissive is in our nature and never EVER about abuse. D/S dynamics are all about trust, consent, communication, respect, and typically have a much deeper bond and commitment then your average “vanilla” relationship. That’s not to say there’s not posing doms who are out there and not truly in it for their little/sub. As an alpha female who’s always in control of not just my life, but also the lives of others…..I crave that safe sub space to just kneel and feel. Not be in charge. Just feel great about serving and releasing that control that I clasp so hard to when I’m around my coworkers, peers and family. I hope you can continue your journey to knowledge on this lifestyle choice free from judgment. Your comments make you look insecure, weak and in denial of your lack of experience on D/S relationships. If you’re a woman. Then I feel like you don’t appreciate your power. If you’re dominant then I feel like you don’t appreciate your power. You can be a total boss in your day life…but crave that time where you can relinquish your control to another in a SAFE RESPECTFUL AND COURTEOUS manner. I am an alpha female. The one place I don’t want to be the boss is in my bedroom. I long to please, nurture and take care of my loved ones. Don’t judge us.
Looking for more info and perhaps tips, always been a dominant women in work and homelife but have started dating a man recently who would like to me to be his actual “Dom” not sure where to start or if its for me. help
Very enjoyable informative. I have found my new lifestyle…tyvm
Iam in search of a dominant man.
hello master i want to be a slave
hi i am looking foq my masteq lynnesal345@gmail.com
i want a dom for real life i don’t have anyone to train me sense my master when back to work and hes only focused on that right now and i want to be with one that can please me forever…
Would like Dom training. Please contact. Thank you
I have a gal that’s been a sub and loves it. She’s the one who has given me your article and wanted me to learn as much as I can so that I could be the Dom over her. And I would do anything to please her so I want to learn everything I possibly can.
I would like to know more about you…
Sean I really like reading your articles when do you think you’ll have new material?
I find your articles to be excellent. Clearly written and both thoughtful and thought provoking.
As a female desperately seeking the proper D/s situation, I think this and all of your articles are very informative. Thank you for shedding light on this fantastic element to human sexuality. I look forward to more.
I just want to say thank you!!!!! This and your other material has helped me explain so much to those around me. It has helped me expand not only my own knowledge and sexuality, but others around me as well.
For some reason I feel like you are in a position to help me. I am a bisexual woman in a relationship with a man I love. Recently, it’s been more difficult for me to enjoy sex. I have always been interested in bdsm, but now I feel like I have to rely on it to climax. Part of me feels like this might be due to feeling distracted by my need for a female interaction. I know this sounds like I’m gay but I know for sure I love cock just as much if not more than vagina. I wish I could turn off these thoughts and just enjoy being with my man like I used to. I feel like no matter what gender I’m with, I will always crave the other as well. If you were in my situation, would you break up with a person you love deeply in order to figure out what’s going on with your sexuality, knowing you might never find a love so deep again? Or would you stay committed to that person and try to figure it out with them, risking never finding full self/sexual awareness?
I would talk it through with your man. Let him know your needs and your wants. Get the same from him, and see if you can work it out. Be clear that needs can’t be compromised, and wants are negotiable.
Thank you. I thought so as well after I sent in the question. I think it just helped to write it out. However, your response is very helpful, especially the last part.
Dear Lady if I was you, I would address your concerns with your male dom. Your urges to have female contact could be added into part of the scene. You could have a certain cue for when she would be a good reward. . . Maybe you have been a very very patient submissive and she is an added bonus. Either way be honest. The guy will most likely want to please you as much as you do. Good Luck!
C
Yeah, talking with your partner is essential, or else, the relationship goes to crap either way because of unfufilled needs.
I’d be open to pleasing my partner, if I love her and I really understand about her needs to be with women/men as well, and if not, at least the cards are on the table.
Hello there I’m wanting to be a dom, or rather mistress. I am a older woman have had this feeling run in and out of my life and I know this is definetly what I want to do. Am now taking this seriously. Your articles etc are very useful and helps me understand some of the mind set needed for different scenario’s. I want to be able to be great in what I am going to engage in the near future and as much info about this subject is definetly welcomed.
Very good reading material, like more information please
My girlfriend and I have spoken on a couple of occasions about myself becoming more dominant. Not only on the bedroom but in our relationship as well. I am already very Alpha. So I don’t think the transfer of power will be very hard. I do have some questions about BDSM in everyday life, not just in sex.
What questions do you have?
I would personally like to know how i can get involved in the bdsm scene. It seems like i cant find any info anywhere
It depends on where you are. Head to fetlife.com, look for local groups, munches, meetups. When you go, just go talk to people, be kind, and eventually you’ll find yourself in the thick of it.
Hi Sean
I have a long distance relationship with my Master for over the last 4 1/2 years. Recently he has introduced other women supposedly to enhance my pleasure. He knows I don’t have a desire to be with women. But believes I need to trust that he knows what I need. Is this normal for a dom to pursue in the dom/sub relatiinship?
Thank you for your article. I found it insightful and your advice sound, and I’m going to adopt your first and third persistent rules with my Pet (my fiancé).
My Pet and I want to take our D/s dynamic from only the bedroom to more of our relationship and one of the aspects we both wish to perform is a Collaring Ceremony in private, say, during a weekend camping trip out in the woods or forest area. A few years ago, I presented her with a custom leather collar that I had made for her and which we’d use.
What advice can you provide for a collaring ceremony as described? What should I do and have her do to drive home that I am her Master in more that just the bedroom (though I am a very sexually enthusiastic male)? What would you do in this situation with your own sub? Your guidance would be greatly appreciated.
For something as personal as a collaring ceremony, my only advice is general: tell her what she means to you, tell her what you expect from her, tell her what she should expect from you. The rest is up to you, but you can’t really go wrong.
Interesting Insight in to Dom v sub dynamics. I would like to know more about how I can be the Dom as a female to my male partner
Truthfully, just change the pronouns. Gender matters little at the point.
Hello I love these articles and I feel like there are limited places to go for reliable information of becoming a Dom .. Your website is the best so far so I’m hoping you’ll add to it for people like myself.. I am curious on more rules and punishments and how they are established and inforced is there a reliable source for more basics or possibly can you elaborate on the finer details of dominants
Thank you very much, comments like these are always appreciated. I have some ideas brewing and should get some more words out soon. But if you really want to learn some new stuff I offer one on one bdsm coaching as well.
Is it ok to swap roles when in the bedroom
as long as your partner is good with it, its completely fine. its all about your partners wants and needs.
its different for different people..
like i cant switch because i don’t really want to be dom, the idea of it turns me off fast and i feel uncomfortable and it just doesn’t feel me enough at all… and my partner hates the idea of being the sub.. so whatever works for your relationship
My husband and I are talking about trying the D/s lifestyle, but I am way more into it than he is. I am a sub, and he has Dom tendencies that could easily come out if he let them. He was told by ex gfs that he’s too controlling and because of that spent many years curbing his dominating side. I’ve sent him links to websites to read and learn about it, and he’s told me that the thought of it makes his “pants” move. But for some reason he’s not willing to act on it yet, and barely gets around to reading anything I send him. Is there anything else I should do? Or is it wrong for me to be sending him info?
Sending him info is never a bad idea. Encouraging him to act more honestly, and dominantly is great as well. Just know it will be hard for him, out of love and respect. Your job is to encourage, and reward, without adding pressure or anxiety.
Thank you so much for this!!! It helped so much me and my partner are new to this and wanting to do it the right way! Do you have any more articles on rules? That we could use during the day like while we are away from each other at work?
I am new to being a dom and have been with my fiancee for 7 years. We have established some guidelines but there is one that I want to do that she does not. And that is for me to use a crop and flogger on her. She says it brings back to many bad memories. Also being tied and blindfolded at the same time. How can I get her to understand that I am not like that jerks that hurt her and will not hurt her but please her dearly with the situations?
All you can do is support her, and prove through actions that you respect, love, and protect her. That all you want is what is best for her. Everyone has their hard limits, and a lot of the time they will never lessen or go away. There’s a chance this may never change, but the only way to work towards it is for her to know it’s something that interests you. Make sure she knows it’s something you want, and hopefully one day she will ask you for it.
But she may not. At the end of the day, it’s her choice to make.
Also, it might help to have her (and you, and everyone) to talk to a therapist. We all have issues to work through, there’s a chance this is one she can resolve.
Very nice. I enjoyed this very much.I was in a d/s relationship coupled with marriage for 18 yrs. That relationship ended 10 yrs ago and know i have have a new sub relationship that came from a long time friend. Ergo there is so much more information available now via internet.To be honest in my first D/s relationship there was a lot of winging it.My sub now has truly given herself with complete submission and is expecting certain things. She told me that our interaction over the past ten yrs of friendship has led to her submission and her request that i become her Dom.So the point of this is i want to make sure that i am and evolve into the Dom she needs.And yes our feelings run very deep and i have earned her submission but the fact fact remains i never want to stop learning. Lord willing this will be the last sub i ever have.Thnk you for your time.
Sincerely, Forrest
THANK YOU !!! I have tried to explain things like this to ‘doms’ and they just dont get it !! i wish every man could understand this !! THANK YOU !!!
Enjoy it all very much,I am learning so much about this life style.it drawn me alot,I talk with a Dom all the time.I must say he is great!!!
WHAT about married Dom.do they live out side there relationship in this life style with others,and is this a job life style you get paid to do.are is it something you want to get it to.
No rules on any of this. Some live outside their marriage, others in it. Some do it professionally (almost exclusive to female Dommes), most recreationally. Some just do it for play, some full time. It’s up to what is best for you and your partners.
So I’m looking on getting into this and there was only one thing I was curious about. is there a Set Rule List on how to earn a title like Sir, Master, Lord or something like that. Because I’ve heard of scenarios where people just give themselves a title and later on they end up getting the shit kicked out of them by other people in the BDSM community.
Great question, one I talk about often in coaching. There’s two parts to this answer, the first is knowing the default connotations to these titles. Dom and Sub (or top and bottom) are generic terms. Typically a Sir has a pet, or a sub. A Master has a slave. Master and slave is considered to be for people on the full power-exchange end of the scale. To be a “Master” is a sign of respect, a badge of honor. Don’t take the terms lightly, as words and titles have power. If you’re starting out, it’s probably best to stick to “Sir”, until you feel confident you have earned to be “Master”. Some people will make claims this way and that way on what it means, and what it takes to earn these titles, but the second part of this answer is the actual truth: You can call yourself, and your sub, anything you damn well please.
BDSM and kink is about doing what’s correct and right for your relationship. If it makes you both happy for her to call you Master, if that’s the term that feels right to you, then that’s the term you should use. It’s up to no one else to tell you how to run your relationship. While there are absolute wrong’s in BDSM, there is no right way to do it. If you try to force people in the BDSM scene to refer to you as Master, that’s different, but how you function in your relationship is entirely up to you. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Im interested in becoming a Dom in my poly relationship. What is the best way to make this transition?
Read every article you can find, have long discussions with your partners as to what they like, are expecting, and do not want. Start slow, think and practice lots, and best of all – get coaching (the shameless self plug, can’t help it).
I have strong dom desires, but I don’t have a lot of self confidence yet. Do you have any suggestions?
I wrote this article a little while ago, it might help – http://www.realmendrinkwhiskey.com/make-strong-moves/
my girlfriend has told me she is into the life style and that she a sub and wants me to be her dom id like to learn more about life style
I am the sub in my Dom / sub relationship , I was new at this he wasn’t , however he is married and we have known each other quite some time . Since I am new to this he is training me to be the sub he desires , me being single though he is taking it to a different level I wasnt expecting as his rules now are that I’m his property and I’m to be with no other men sexually and now he wants to ” mark ” me with a scar or tattoo that only he and I know the location and the meaning so he has commanded , i have fallen in love with him and told him he was very sensually aroused when I told him and pleased .Is this ” branding ” common with Doms of their subs and to what level of meaning does it mean from a Dom to a sub ? He has stated he likes my submissive ways to his commands and one is don’t question him so that’s why I’m turning this direction for answers on my own . I do hope that I get some intuitive feedback because I don’t want to question him on his request of me . Thank you .
I can’t comment with any great authority here, as I obviously don’t have all the details, but this sounds like bad news. Too many red flags popped up in your one comment for me to feel like this is a truly healthy relationship. When you take away the D/s part of it, a BDSM relationship is still just that, a relationship. Him being able to see other people, but you not being able, is rarely a sign of a healthy relationship. You’re typically together monogamously, or you are open to see other people. There may be rules on what and how you can see other’s, but this sounds entirely one-sided.
As for branding/scarring/inking, as a form of property marking, no this is not “common”. It is done, but it’s seen as a level above collaring, most easily comparable to marriage. He is asking you to make a lifelong commitment, I would not consider to accept this unless you’re sure he has made the same. But it really doesn’t sound that way to me. Again, I could be wrong.
But the final red flag is the worst of them all. A strong Dom who cares about his sub and their relationship should welcome you questioning him. To succeed, a relationship needs trust, communication, and honesty. If he doesn’t make these items paramount in your relationship, then he is more concerned about self-gratification than anything else.
Honestly, I think you should take a long objective look at this relationship.
Thank you very much for taking the time to answer my questions .. I will definitely consider your advice .
Sean I like how you answered this question and as an educator on alternative lifestyles and a psychologist I agree with you. There are red flags. This person sounds like, without both sides being known, he wants this woman and also will add to his “harem” with more branding and other subs in the future. My first question to him would be does your wife know about this lifestyle and his subs? Or is he hiding this to fulfill his needs outside the marriage?
I also agree with you on the branding as something that is not common. I am working with a client who was in a very similar situation and is now dealing with some serious issues when he tired of her and left her to work through the break up alone. She still has the branding and is seeking ways to cover it up.
I’m a female Switch, and really love your answer Sean.. I would love to be your sub, and I respect you as a Dom.
Hi Sean, I know this is a post from a while ago, but I just really wanted to comment on your answer. I’m a female from australia who used to work in a womens refuge( where they would come to escape domestic violence), I found this mans explanation of his relationship to be alarming and worrying, all the hallmarks of being abusive and controlling in an unhealthy manner and I hope he moved on. What I want to say is this is the first site I have looked at that is about how to be a DOM and I have to say, I found your information to be great. What I especially found wonderful in all your responses and especially to this situation, was your number one concern is always for the subs well-being and consent to all things. I also liked that you told people it’s okay to question their dom if they have real concerns. You are encouraging them to have power in dangerous situations when they need to. I found one comment you made interesting and powerful, that it is role play, that is a great way to explain to people out there who may be in an abusive relationship that BDSM should be enjoyable and consensual and safe. Thank you for telling people not only how BDSM should be but also for how it should not be. I am not in the lifestyle myself just been trying some restraints and whips with my partner in the last few months, we’re both experimenting together and who knows we may never be a dom and sub, but it sure is nice to know that there is someone out there like you who is genuinely caring about his subs and others in the lifestyle.
Hello, I’m new with this and I’m a dom. Your article helped me understand a lot of things I was uncertain about, but there’s still one thing.. I’m a woman, and since I’m quite new with the dom\sub relationship I’m still a bit shy to make my male partner submitt the way I want him to, although he says that, as my sub, he would do anything I ask for. The problem is I don’t know how to approach him when we’re alone together, I start to lose confidence and even if I knew what I wanted to do to him before we were alone on that moment I can’t even tie him down properly.. and I’m not sure what kind of orders I should give him. We only started doing this a few weeks ago, so he understands that I’m still shy about it, but I want this to work out and be the best dom he could beg for. Do you have any tips of how to be a better female dom and be less shy about what I want him to do?
100% confidence. The way to deal with this is simple (in theory): make a plan (keep it simple, with no chance of any action being too much), and then follow through playing the role of the mistress. Don’t shy away, or back down. Follow the plan carefully, and if he pushes back come back over the top. You’ll be scared and worried, heart pounding, the whole time. But that’s fine. When it all works out, you’ll be able to use it as a starting point.
Any moments that don’t work out, don’t worry. Just move on, move forward.
I enjoyed reading this and have a few questions regarding the lifestyle and developing it into a full relationship outside of the D/S.
I’m very new to this. I watched Fifty Shades with my partner and he asked me if I would be interested in something like that. I said possibly but I’m not to sure if I like the idea of punishments… He has been in other BDSM relationships and is super dominate. And to be brutally honest the whole idea of it especially the bondage and different things like being spanked during sex. I’m crazy about him and I’m actually falling inlove with him and I know this is important to him so I wanna give it a try. Plus I think I could be very interesting. My only thing I’m hung up on is the punishments and I kind of want to keep it (the lifestyle not at all him) from my family as there are very very religious and would not understand. What should I do?
*they’re very very religious…
I have a question for you. What would you do and how would you act if you wanted to spoil/ruin a submissive’s experience in the long term so that she won’t look for a new Dom after she has been with you?
I have deeply enjoyed reading your article.
That would never be my goal. Instead, my goal is to set the bar to a point where my sub would never settle for someone half-assed. Instead, show her what is possible, and if she finds another Dom whom reaches those levels for her, I’m content knowing she is well taken care of. How to do this: treat them with the most care, attention, and respect as you possibly can. Try to make their fantasies come true, scratch their desires, and be there for them when they need you.
Thank you for this article. I have been in abisive relationships with men who presented themselves as DOM. I have just entered a relationship with a man I met in hs. He told me he is a DOM but has been so sweet and polite I thought he was a fake. The deeper our relationship gets… The more DOM he exhibits… But always with his concern for me first… I wish I had done more research before starting this path because I would have known the men before were abisive control freaks… My question for you is… What can I do to surprise my man and please him without being told?
Make him feel special. It’s similar to the difference between someone telling you they love you, and someone showing you. Do the things you know he will appreciate, and encourage him. If he is working hard to make your desires and fantasies come true, do the same for him. Make him feel like the luckiest man in the world.
My friend has recently asked me to enter a relationship where she is mistress and me her slave. I have been reading about it and feel this might be too much for straight off and I want to approach the subject of perhaps domme/ sub rather than mistress / slave to start with. How can I bring this up without provoking an angry response? She has already warned me that she can be very harsh but that she will always look after me.
Thank you
Lucy
Dom/sub, Mistress/slave are just names, and mostly irrelevant. You need to talk with her about limits, desires, and expectations. You need to make sure you’re both on the same page, and then you can call it whatever you want.
Thanks for your interesting blog. I am new to this lifestyle and trying to understand dom psychology. One thing I’m struggling with is my dom’s enjoyment of saying things that degrade me during sexual scenes. I find it hard to get my head around the idea that someone who loves me can talk to me like that. It’s not that I don’t want him to do it (it turns me on too) but I’d like some reassurance so I can feel more comfortable with it. I hope you can help explain it to me, I’ve tried Googling for information but all I can find is articles about why women like being degraded.
Nearly all fetish is rooted in the things which are most wrong in our minds. Doing the things you’re not supposed to do. This is why rape-play fetish is so very prevalent, and why degradation is so hot. Even the vanilla world likes dirty talking, which is just a mild form of it. The key with D/s is that after the scene proper, you get the after care you need to truly feel that your Dom respects you, admires you, and desires you. What we do in a scene is just play, and there’s no need to worry about why things make you wet, only that after you’re done you’re happier, more confident, and more content with yourself and your relationship.
This is excellent information. The idea that it is all just ‘play’ and that we as the domme show him that he is cared for afterwards. Very helpful. Can you give a specific example of how Yi as a Somme might show my sub how he is cared for after the scene?
Sorry that should say ‘ how I as a domme ‘
Thank you for this article. It has cured a lot of curiosities iv had about the lifestyle and has left me wanting to know more. I am a alpha female normally in control of everything however lately i find myself longing for a man that can captivate my mind as well as my body… a situation where for once i wont have to be in control
I have met a man who wants to be my submissive. No idea what this meant but I went along with it hoping I’d get the jist of it. I’m older and probably come across as headstrong and confident. I am willing to take this position but I’m already unsure because his last message asked if I didn’t like the procedure the why was I forcing myself. I really would like some guidance, reading references that would get me started and also understand what he wants. I guess just asking him straight is a start?
Always start with honest conversation.
Hello, thank you for writing this article. I am fairly new to bdsm and you have helped me better understand this lifestyle. I am a man and have always considered myself as a dominant bull in bed but never did dive into the realm of bdsm with any of my girlfriends. For the last 6 months I have been seeing a married woman who has a cuckold for a husband and he enjoys watching me take every bit of her. Everything has been great to this point and dont see things ending anytime soon. However, she has recently confessed to me that she wants to fully submit to a Dom and really would like for me to learn the lifestyle and be her Daddy.
I am really intrigued and like the idea of her fully submitting to me but I feel that her being married may become a “wedge”, so to say, for us to have that type of relationship. From what I have read so far I feel as though I may be opening a can of worms by taking our relationship into that next step. If you have any advice or input that you are able to give me, I would greatly appreciate it.
There is no way for me to give you an answer either way. For some people this arrangement is exactly what they want, for others it won’t work. All you can do is have an honest conversation with her AND her husband, and see what everyone is thinking, feeling, and what everyone needs to get out of this.
I being thinking for a long time about wanting to be a sub. Finding a man the Dom material is very hard, I want to be submissive that turns me on having a man have all the control over me. Is that a wrong way to think?
Not at all, as long as it’s done in a healthy, constructive, manner. Never accept neglect or abuse, but power play and control done out of respect and love is a delightful thing.
Hi, I’m so happy I came across your website. I’m a married woman who’s very much interested in a Dom/Sub relationship with my husband (who has no clue that I’m interested in this lifestyle). However, I want to be fully submissive to him while experiencing maximum pleasure! I’m scared that he wont be interested in the lifestyle and that could lead me down the path of looking for a Dom/Sub relationship outside of our marriage. Am I wrong for thinking this way?
All you can do is try. Just try to approach is as it being a way for him to have more fun with you, instead of something he needs to figure out. You want to make him excited, not add pressure. Good luck.
Honestly I’m new at this, delved in it off and on in my marriage or the last twelve years for it to always end in that’s too far or no way I’m doing that. The last ear my wife and I have had some serious martial issues we are currently seeing a therapist but she only seems to be half-heartedly following through. During his time she started talking to a guy who is very experienced in this lifestyle and has already been collared by him and well marked by him to say the least yet continues to tell me I’m all she wants. Now she is lying to him about many things in their relationship like where I reside which is in the same house as her, as well that she picks and chooses what orders of his to keep. They live two hours apart and mainly converse through text. How should I approach this since now she is open to a full integration of our life with this but no interest anytime soon of stopping her relationship with this other Dom?
I don’t see this ending well. Honesty is crucial to any BDSM relationship, from what you’ve said it sounds like she just wants to play around and do whatever she feels like as she feels it. I don’t believe that to be sustainable. Have some honest, bold, conversations with her, and find out what your future should hold together.
Tell me if I am wrong in my thinking, but would more overly complex/ detailed orders potentially lead to a failure of understanding and set the sub up for failure/ discipline for failing to comply. I understand that educating a new sub is different than one you have been working with for some time. A sub that is new to the lifestyle or new to the Dom) may require more detailed instruction to get something correct, and should be given a small amount of educational latitude while learning precision. The experienced sub should handle shorter commands or even small gestures or sounds to get the desired result of compliance.
It all depends on your style and your dynamic/relationship. It depends on what you expect from them, and the communication you have. The point is to be clear in what you want accomplished, and how you want it done. If you can do that with a sub without a word, great. But you don’t want to leave them guessing… unless it’s part of a bigger plan.
My wife has been playing games on the computer. This has given her the opportunity to chat with other individuals some of whom are males flirting from time to time. But last night she discussed a male who had asked her if she were a sub. She answered that she wasn’t sure and he proceeded to tell her that he was a dom and that more was available. I was both upset as well as intrigued by this interaction. I’m concerned that this individual might wield some kind of influence over her in our marriage. We have always joked about a dom-sub play at our own house but never went anywhere with it. I guess I’m just asking about your thoughts on this interaction with a online stranger? Any comments are welcome
If her interactions with online strangers make your relationship stronger or more exciting, then it’s a good thing. If she is intrigued by the idea of being a sub, then gather up your courage and put together a scene for her.
Hello there, I have a lot of questions but would like to speak privately if possible please……thank you
Hi, so um… Me and my Master are sorta new to all of this and we decided that having a list of rules is a thing that we are going to do. And so he’s making all of the rules… And is having me come up with punishments (neither of us are creative) And we are having trouble coming up with good rules and good punishments (We both are still slightly under aged and we still live with our families)…. Any advice on what sorta rules/punishments that we should add to the lists (I dont do anything that has to do with getting spanked. do to me being spanked a lot as a child) If you could give some advice that would be amazing!
OMFG, I have a partner who is wiling to go that area. I feel as though my partner is more dom than me. Learning. Because she is great doing master…. See what i mean?
I’m in Townsville. if anyone wants to practice let me know.
I am an inexperienced/ little experienced dom. This was helpful but what can one do when you sub challenges you via text and you are not there to discipline them.
I have the exact same question. My sib has stayed doing this often. She is new to the lifestyle and is pushing boundaries.
YOU SHOULDN’T PUNISH SOMEONE FOR NOT WANTING TO BE CONTROLLED WHAT KIND OF WIFE BEATER ARE YOU YOU SICK SICK JERK
I’ve been into this since five, male sub to females only; and no switching (ever). Pro male doms have always seemed scarce, although female dommes even scarcer. When I have attempted contacts with female dominants online, I have been astonished by the number of females who responded instead, wanting to be topped. This kink has been a huge loss of time and energy to me; for instance, as my fantasies were juvenile, and being a real one, I thought they would fade with childhood. Now I’m actually finding kids on the net SOLICITING tops (I tell them dangerous idea, and that’s it). Your approach seems pretty systematic, and I’m thinking pehaps overthought( I like the concern that you express for the safety of your subs; it isn’t shared by everyone). Experience and technique are critical to a pro; even so, they cannot be substituted for talent and spontaneity (I assumed scening would be intuitive; yet another mistake a kid of 8 would make). So OK, nice tutorial, S.
… I’m not sure what to make of this. But thanks for the compliment.
I am a woman who is the Dom. My sub is my boyfriend. I have really only played around with this. I am wanting to grow in this lifestyle. This article is very helpful. I would like to learn more. Sometimes I am at a loss for words. I need to study the role a little more. Most of the stuff I find is written with the other role reversal though. Any thoughts?
While most stuff is written for a male Dom and female sub, the genders don’t matter at all. Almost all advice is directly transferable, just need to change the pronouns.
My boyfriend and i have been together for almost 2 years sean lind and im a sub but he is not a dom and i have brought the idea up to him but he doesnt get it or my need to submit and please. I dont know what to do because he doesnt even want to try it but i have a need to be dominated in and out of the bedroom and he just doesnt get it he thinks its all about using toys and what not i have tried to explain it to him but he doesnt understand and doesnt want to try… I dont know what else to do… Do u have any advice?
Ok my rule number one with my sub is always respect and obey daddy (as that is what she calls me) is that to generic or a bad rule?
Generic isn’t bad at all. If it sounds good to you, makes sense, and adds to your relationship/dynamic, it’s a good choice.
I am a genuine natural Dom male and I am looking for a sub female where we can grow and develop
I feel like at a total loss without a sub as my partner
It really is a lifestyle
Only here out of pure curiosity for the lifestyle. However, I stayed not only for the article…I adored the patience, knowledge, and caring you showed in answering the comments 🙂 Just had to tell ya that 🙂
Thank you kindly.
I have always found myself taking control in sexual situations. I have recently met a man that has been and wants a D/s relationship in which he is the sub. I have thought about it many times and thought I would be able to quickly transition into being a Dom but it isn’t happening. I find myself questioning everything I do and say and at times being timid. I want this but I’m so green that it deflates my confidence. This article was extremely helpful. Im struggling with how to be a Dom with someone who has been a sub in his relationships. Is this a bad way to start being a Dom? Please suggest other articles, sites, place to go, anything to help a first time Dom with an established sub.
For now, just do your best, act with confidence, and understand that it’s unlikely anything you’re willing/capable of doing will be too much at this point.
I’ve hadn’t submissive tendencies and fantasies since I was younger and always thought it was a bad things, or that I was disturbed for being enticed by the darker side of things.
I’m in a current relationship with a very wonderful partner
I’ve been always interested in this community and wanted to be a part of it for many years but it’s feels so intimidating being so new and inexperienced.
I’m still young so I have time
Me and my partner are gradually learning and sharing each others ideas and wants and building ourselves as better dom and sub together.
I belive it just takes time, to learn one another and did what works for us
I found your article very interesting, I love to study and read about these things just to further my Knowlage.
Thank you for the wonderful artical
I had a chance to meet a Dom,but at the time I didn’t know he was a Dom.I fell for him before I new it,he started flirting with me like playing around,the End.it was over he’s gone,I guess I believe in something that wasn’t there as far as me and him,I was hurt one day I call him I was mess up with my feelings for him,he look me in my eyes and said he loves me,when the flirting was going on.later we started texting each other it went on for a while.then one day he told me he was a Dom.all the time we text we hit on a lots of things,I tried to get him to come over I tried it all as far as a woman that tried to get a man,he didn’t move an inch.I felt like he was confusing me and punish me it was a hard time with him.he said submit,he wants to train me to be his slut to ware clothes and walk and talk like a slut.he said the more am a slut the more he want me.he ask me from the start what did I want,I really didn’t understand about he being a Dom are the lifestyle.he was kinda kind to me,but he had mood changes to many faces,I fell in love with someone I didn’t really know.I told him I was in love with him,he didn’t want love.this is my?how do you submit to someone u have no feelings for.so it turn out like this I text him he text back said he can’t talk,o yes he was very much married.it’s been. 4mouth now,I am doing well and healing,I want to be careful.
NEVER FOLLOW THIS CRAP. NO ONE SHOULD FORCE A WOMAN TO BE A SLAVE THAT IS SICK. THAT GUY DIDNT DESERVE YOU AND WAS A JERK. NO ONE SHOULD LISTEN TO THIS BS
Seriously? A million kudos for promoting honesty in interactions. If I say, “Sir,” all the time without meaning it, what exactly is the point?
🙂
As someone who is being drawn, rather willingly I’ll confess, into this world of domination and submissiveness by my more experienced girlfriend, I have exercised some due diligence and scoured the net for information and guidance. I have no particular question to ask but I simply wanted to comment that your insights, instructions and advice are on a different level completely than anything else I’ve seen and, quite frankly, would expect to ever see. Congratulations, and thank you……
Thank you very much. It’s a true pleasure to read comments like this.
Great article, with much helpful information. Learned even more from your responses.
My Situation. I’m married. So is my Sub. We’ve known each other for almost a year, and I was upfront with her from the get-go that I wasn’t interested in changing my marriage situation or hers. We both had our reasons for looking outside our marriage for a sexual connection. Until tonight, I didn’t realize she’s been dropping hints for a couple months about her being a sub. During a conversation on the phone tonight, one comment lead to another, and another until BAM! It hit me in the face what she wanted from me. I was stunned. I was in the swinger lifestyle years ago, but never even dabbled in D/s. I understood the basic concept, but that was all, and never had any interest in it really. But with her, it excited me beyond belief, and I KNOW that this is what I want, and I want it with her. She says she chose me several months ago, and just waited patiently for me to figure it out on my own that this is what I wanted. She KNEW, before I did. We have a pretty deep connection, although it’s very different from the love I have for my wife. She doesn’t want me to change anything to do with my marriage. She is perfectly fine with it. So, I accepted. She has never truly been in a D/s either, but says this is what she has craved for many years. Neither of our spouses can find out, as neither would even begin to understand. That said, especially since she has craved this for years, but neither of us has ever truly lived it, how do I set this up so that I don’t damage her. I truly care deeply for her, and want the best for her. I told her that she deserves someone that could give more of themselves, but she won’t have it. She wants ME. I want to be the best D I can for her, but I’m grasping at straws. I don’t even know where to really start.
And I apologize for being long winded. I’ve rewritten this 4 times trying to hit the points. Any suggestions would be welcomed
Do the best you can. Understand the risks you’re taking and figure out the best way to avoid as many of them as possible. Accept the worst case scenarios, if you’re not prepared to deal with those then you don’t want to continue. Pay attention, act with good intention.
Ok let’s get one thing clear. A true Dom’s job is never emotional manipulation. Manipulation isn’t dominate it is a sign of weakness.
You’re misunderstanding what manipulation means. Maybe this will help you out – http://www.realmendrinkwhiskey.com/how-to-manipulate-people/
you are a sick piece of shit. stop trying to use women as sex slaves. you need help you narcissist
As a Dom, I have read what you have wrote. It was well spoken as so well read. It lays out simple guide lines to start with. I can remember with simple words being shown the ropes! Sure I can always learn more on how to manage the situation….But know this who all read, it is about trust, pleasure, fulfillment for both parties. Make sure you find satisfaction. Not just for you. It doesn’t always have to be for you. Treat you sub so they know there a good girl. Ahh to live
I am in a LD relationship where we see each other 6-8 times a year each visit being no shorter than a week. We have contact each day and have a strong relationship. Our sex life is great. In the beginning of our relationship during a little Q&A I told o had previously been a Mistress. Which had been done in a controlled situation with no emotional connection. For a while now he is showing more and more interest in being a sub. Of course having a long distance relationship we have a lot of phone sex. We have dipped into it somewhat as it is not real easy to control a situation over a phone. When we are getting close to a visit it gets intense with our conversations.. to a point. He wants to submit but wants me to take control and make him. But when we are together it is difficult to to get things started. As for me it is a little difficult as I don’t want to push him. It is quite different from before when I participated in the lifestyle as I said there was no emotional connection so it was meet do what we came for and goodbye. Now with my partner I have very strong feelings for him.. and I know exactly what I want to do with him but I feel he is more comfortable just talking about it. We do a little but I am so beyond ready to go farther. We have talked and he says to just do it and take control but he is very tense.. I guess I am just looking for any advice you can give me..
All you can do is have clear conversations of expectations and boundaries, and then commit to bringing his desires to life. You have to trust your instincts and give him what he craves. If it’s done with honesty, worst case is it doesn’t work out and you go back to what you have now.
I experienced subspace in my very first encounter as a sub, and never again to the same intensity, yet that first time wasn’t high impact nor particularly challenging tasks. I think it was the way that he made me verbalise everything that was in my head that I wanted to hide from him (yeah it was a bit humiliating). He dominated from the second I arrived to the second I left. I wanted to please him so desperately. It’s really important to try and get into a sub’s head. When you ask her if she likes something and she says she does (because she wants to please you), ask her why she likes it, what is it she likes about it. If she is anything like me and is a little ashamed of her submission or sluttiness 😉 then this might push her towards subspace and stop her from revealing those very dark sexual urges that she longs to share with you and have you love her for them. And it will build the intimacy in your relationship too as you accept her completely and in this way, set her free.
Wonderful comment. Thank you.
I’m a girl, and I am the dominant, I’m not sure what does I should implement
Great read, thank you for sharing your knowledge and advice. The conversation it has sparked in the comments section also served as a pheltha of information for me. As diligent researcher and newcomer to the D/s aspect of the BDSM lifestyle as a submissive I found all of it enlightening.
My question (which I was hesitant to ask but then thought why not) is as a Dom, is it common for newer submissives to have a hard time separating the attention, care and concern you have shown for them from actual feelings of being in love on their side? I understand that because of the emotions being tapped that a “love” for a Dom may/will be formed.
I guess as a newcomer and normally emotionally healthy, aware and in check women I am nervous to dive fully in in fear of that getting that clouded despite my need for domination. Normal?
this is the most messed up disgusting thing a person could do, treating a woman like a dog, and a dog doesn’t even deserved to be treated like this. you people are low life narcissists and you need to stop living out your sick fantasies by emotionally and physically abusing and using a woman as a slave for your own pleasure. your kind disgusts me. and whoever replies to this you are a coward and wrong.
Hi, i’ve been reading and i’ve learned that the concept of being a Dom is more of controllment. But see im in a place where my partner is a Dom and I’m sub/Dom. Dealing with both are similarities when it’s comes to Dom which of us do you think should play the roll more… And to be completely honest im new at this so please enlighten me.
Hi, my dom isnt a very educated individual and its quite tedious to get him to understand specific dom guidelines and to actually be domineering beyond just ordering me to fuck him. If you by chance have a good list of rules and regulations regarding a dom’s duty, it would greatly improve this struggle we seem to be having. Thank you so much
Hello Sean, your articles are magnificent.
I’m in a relationship for 5 years now, with a very sexual and open minded woman. We always stretch out the lines when it comes to sex, always taking a step further trying new things and kinks, and both of us always had the interest in having a BDSM trial.
We lately discussed it and wanted to try having a BDSM relationship, but of course we do not want to give up our romantic one, but to somehow enjoy both.
But, the problem I could point out, is that rules are hard to be given if she is not 100% my submissive, but also a girlfriend. She cannot address me as a Sir when in front of family or vanilla friends, and I am trying to figure out a way to make it work. Do you have any suggestions?
stop trying to use a woman as a sex slave idiot, you need mental help.
This whole thing is disgusting. Anyone who wants to control and abuse another human being is SICK and a control freak or narcissist. Anyone who agrees to be manipulated and controlled, especially a woman by a man who could potentially harm her by being larger and stronger, needs mental help as well. All of you guys who like this crap are just using her as a sex slave, all people should be treated equal and not have another individual forcing them and punishing them. Whoever invented this is a self-righteous coward. Its 2017 not the 1900s, and even then this abuse shouldn’t have been permitted.
Who are you to decide what is permissible? Clearly you have no idea what you are talking about.
I am a dom. My pet feels scared and insecure when she’s off her leash. I often ask her if she’d like to be unleashed and she begs me not to. She will say, in a very scared and frightened voice (literally), “No, Daddy. Please don’t”. My pet needs to feel controlled and protected. I fill her needs.
I feel lost without my pet. I need her. She fills my need of having someone to own and protect. When asked, It was even her choice to be referred to as ‘pet’ in the third person. When I address her, she is my “Baby” or “Baby girl”.
She fills my need to be in control and I feed her need to be controlled. We adore each other with complete love and trust. I listen to her every thought, opinion, want and need. I can not take care of her properly without knowing her every thought through open, honest and concise discussion. We discuss, in great length, our dynamic and I even ask her frequently to tell me ‘how I am doing’ as her master. I am confident that we discuss our relationship in much greater depth than you, “NORMAL PERSON”, and our relationship is healthy, happy and satisfying.
Nobody is being forced. Nobody is being coerced against their will. My pet gives herself to me to care for and protect. Our relationship hurts nobody, inside nor outside, the two of us. Yet, you dare to judge us? You dare to declare that our relationship shouldn’t be ‘permissible? Have you ever considered that you have no idea what you are talking about and that you’re merely forcing uneducated opinions? Have you considered what would happen to subs and doms who couldn’t fill their needs? Or are you just so ignorant that you think the world is, or should be, a carbon copy of you?
I’ve disconnected from my sub physically, but not emotionally. She still sees herself as belonging to me. Jokingly she will say, “you’re not the boss of me.” When I tell her that I am, she wants me to tell her why/how I am still the boss/her Dom. Has anyone else been through this kind of relationship before? Can anyone help me put into words why I still feel like she will always belong to me, mainly because she once completely did?
Thanks in advance,
~ J
this is the most disgusting thing i have ever heard. You never owned her and still don’t, she is her own person. You are just another controlling guy who is too insecure and lazy to do things for himself. Get a life and treat women like they are equal to you, because they are. A woman is not your slave.
Another fool. Did you ever just stop to ponder the topic? My pet has multiple, intensely pleasurable orgasms, as she screams out in lust and delirium, as I use her body for my pleasure. She craves to be used as a sex slave.
I am writing a story about a young an who as just been given 3 slaves but doesn’t know any thing about the Dom/sub lifestyle and i want to know how Doms are trained to be good Masters.
Im moving into a friends home that is a Dom and has this lifestyle. AS more time goes on, i realize that this life in entering into my life without me realizing it. It’s almost like we co domme this house. I dont know if its what I want, but i certainly feel the need for it. Is it possible to co domme a household and have my own slaves? I think this is what is happening before my very eyes.
Thanks everyone. The woman I am interested in has expressed her desire to be submissive, but due to my own nature I am not sure this is going to be possible. I agreed to try being dominant but am unsure of how to even go about it. I am well aware that knowing boundaries is a very important thing and I am wanting to learn them for her, but she is not sure of what her boundaries are either so any suggestions that might help us both out? I’d appreciate any insight you can give me. Since this will be my first attempt at this entire scenario.
Learn everything you can. In the meantime stick to this: Only do things you have done before, or are confident you know how to do. WHAT you are doing matters very little here, it’s how you do it. Take control, but start where you know everything is 100% safe and desired. Then you slowly build up where she is enjoying it, and avoid where she is not.
If you only ever increase intensity very slowly, it’s always a very small mistake if turns out she’s not into it. Small mistakes are no problem, often resolved by a few honest words. If you fear she might react terribly to something, then it’s too big of a jump. Or if you really don’t know, ask! Being a Dom means you’re in control, it doesn’t mean you know everything. Seriously, “would you object to me calling you a whore” is an entirely reasonable question to ask. If you’re confident she will like it, you’ll be confident doing it.
Thanks, but sadly this is a completely new concept to me and as for what we have tried well there in May be another issue entirely due to the fact that we have not tried anything yet really we have been friends for some time and just recently has it become sexual in nature. So we are both kind of at the starting point of what May or may not be a long and possibly enjoyable race
Is there anyway I can get you to message me in private. I am pretty concerned about a few things but am uncomfortable discussing on open forum please and thank you Sean Lind
Thanks again and as for my first attempt I think it went decently well. Still a little Rocky but as the saying goes Rome wasn’t built in a day.
I just started in the D/s world with my girlfriend I’ve already got a few ideas but i dont want things to turn bad any advice would be great the last girlfriend i brought the subject up to left this one is interested but im not sure just how far to push it
I am new to this. I am Dom and I am female with a female sub. Anyone have any tips on names for me to tell my sub to call me? What about to call her? Any tips for beginners?
Obviously (or perhaps not so obviously) you can have her call you anything you desire, and you to her. Miss, Mistress, and Mommy are the most common for Dommes, but like I said, anything you desire is your choice. Some Dommes have chosen “Sir” as their title (because who says a woman can’t be a knight?). Or you can go with humiliation titles such as Owner of my holes.
For what to call her the common ones would be: Pet, Slave, Slut, Whore, Princess, Kitten.
A little while ago I had a weekend long scene with two subs, one who called me Master and the other Sir. I called them Slave and Whore, they called each other “Master’s Whore” or “Sir’s Slave”.
I don’t stray too far from the common names, but like I said anything that turns you on is appropriate.
Thank you so much for posting this article! I thought I was doing things wrong being a D/s (Dom with sub), I’m doing everything correctly!
I am a submissive male, and I have always new that I have the submissive personality, but I recently decided to give it a try in my real life. So I have been looking online for a mistress, which is not easy to find. Recently a mistress sent me a message online in “collar space”, and she said she thinks I could be a good slave for her. So we exchanged some emails, among them she sent me a list of questions about my desires and fantasies. And finally she said that she thinks I could be a good slave for her, and we should meet and give this a try.
But I always had this question in my mind about begin in a real life Mistress/Slave relationship, and now that I am actually going to start one the question is my main concern. How can I trust a mistress I just met? For example, in this kind of relationship it is typical to restrain the slave in bondage or other ways, what if she takes a nude video of me in that position and then starts to blackmail me by saying that she is going to put it on the internet or post it to my friends? Or any other same scenarios. By reading your article I learned a lot, and also in the comment section I saw that you are kindly responding to questions. So as I am new to this, I would be thankful if you could help me with this matter.
I need advice so desperatley. I am not sure if the person I’m with is dom or just extremely comtrollong, in a bad way. I am submissive, and I thought he had do qualities, now I’m not so sure. I always feel worthless and that I am not worth his time. I don’t want to write to much on this open site. If I could do this personally I would appreciate it very much. I’m scared and don’t know what to do
Honey, if you do not feel safe, leave him. Being a sub does not mean letting people hurt you. Being a Dom does not mean he should controlling.
If WRONG and SCARED is what resonates in your mind, soul and heart when you are with him, then you should not be with him. That’s not a Dom, that’s an asshole,
I think I emailed you back (sometimes I confuse all the people whom message me). But if not the previous comment is correct: DTMFA. Run away, he’s terrible.
So, I have always been very curious of the dom/sub relationship. I have been spanked, hands tied, ect. However it is not enough. I desperately want to be pushed to the next level and experience this thrill. I’m uncertain of how to go about it.
Hi there, I really enjoyed reading this article! I’m totally new to this but I’ve been thinking about exploring my Domme side for a while now and have recently met a guy who’s an experienced sub. How do I go about discussing what he wants from a d/s relationship or what he’d like from me? I’m not really sure how to go about this because it seems wrong for a Domme to ask the sub? Is it just in the way you ask/ get him to tell you?
Also how does a d/s relationship work outside of scene? is it only within a scene that you assume these roles and outside of that you maintain a “normal” relationship? Can you decide to assume the Domme role whenever you want or do parameters for where/when need to be established? How do I know if I’m asking too much of a sub/ it’s not something they’re into – is it just when a safe word is used that something is off limits?
In every day life I’m quite a people pleaser/ shy character but I get off on playing against type. I’m not really sure how would fit into a d/s relationship though?
I realise I have a lot of questions but like I said I’m a complete newbie to this so any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks very much
Talk to him! It’s not wrong to ask him all about what he wants and doesn’t as long as it’s not during the scene. Before you get into it you should talk about it a lot, get as much information as you need to give him the scene he wants. As for outside the scene, that’s up to you and him! There is no one way to do this.
Hello,
I’m a new Domme, with a new ‘boy.’ Just looking for beginning things to get started. I have put some simple rules in place, as well as things I would like him to do for me, and how to address me. From here..need a little help, meeting tomorrow evening, and seem to be at a block with where I want to take this. I have requested he bring satin or silk like gloves along, as I will want to inspect him. Any ideas will be much appreciated!
Lady Lori
I like your articals they are very helpful ive always been kinky but havent had many chances to experiance any kind oh kink but recently got a girfriend who has a switch personality i was wondering if there are ways of maybe being geting her to want to be more of a sub i want her to want it im not trying to force it on her i want to know of maybe starter tips to make her more confirtable with not being in control
Hey sean I was reading the article and became more and more interested as I progressed threw it I was wondering if there are more tips you could offer tho I came to the understanding that the whole D/S relationship is based on trust and that you must communicate with them as well to see likes and dislikes and to come to a mutual understanding I haven’t thought about this Dom/Sub community until a female walked up to me and said she wanted me to be her Dom it took me by surprise but now I’m interested and would love to learn more about it do you have any other tips?? (Sorry if I come off rude I don’t mean to just trying to learn more about this)
I’m looking for online Dom Coaching for women – any suggestions?
I have questions and would also to get more information from you at some point please. We are just beginning our D/s relationship. Again thank you for the insight on everything Sean.
Hi all, I’m a 56 year old guy, just starting in a new relationship with a female who likes to be controlled, my ex partner thought a blindfold was too scary, so I never got to improve on my own fun. I’m more or less a novice, so any advice will be a godsend for me, my new partner is very willing to instruct me, but I don’t want to be totally useless from the off. This has given me a few ideas and very helpful hints and tips, so I can’t thank you enough.
Glad to help. Now take my course! (I kid. Well sort of :P)
Im a Sub bt i dnt have a Dom… How do i get my fiance to understand what i like without telling him wht to do. How do i get him to take control and tell me what to do instead of him saying what he wants me to do ..
You need to have a good, constructive, exciting conversation with him. You need to make him understand the potential for astoundingly fun things, to explore sex in a way his friends only dream of. Because you need him to have the desire to spend the time to learn, to take the risk of being new, risking failure. You need him to want this for himself as much as he wants it for you. Get him excited, point him towards my site… and buy him my course for his birthday.
The last point of advice is optional.
I just want to be everyone’s friend that commented on here lol 💖
I was introduced into the bdsm scene through my bf who is a switch. I’m naturally submissive but I’ve been trying to learn to be more dominant for him. I’ve been reading up and learning about how to dom, but my biggest issue right now is that I don’t know how to make it feel more natural for me. I can’t seem to get in that headspace. Any advice?
I was recently approached by a male sub to be his dom. This would be my first time, he has a lifetime of experience. In my marriage I am sub, our relationship is vanilla. I have done some research and my interest is piqued. I want in. It seems like trust, communication, and an open mind are key to this lifestyle. Any suggestions on how to proceed?
I was recently approached by a male sub to be his dom. This would be my first time, he has a lifetime of experience. In my marriage I am sub, our relationship is vanilla. I have done some research and my interest is piqued. I want in. It seems like trust, communication, and an open mind are key to this lifestyle. Any suggestions on how to proceed?
I am a Switch but I am having to show my new DOM what is the proper way to be a DOM. He is a close friend of mine. The funny thing is we were out of state and he bit the right spot for me to be submissive to him. The only hard part is that he is in another county than me. Plus my husband doesn’t know that he is my DOM. I don’t want to hurt my husband or loose my DOM. The good thing is that the article I just read was perfect for my DOM to learn about what to do and not to do.
In 2007, I was introduced to the lifestyle and loved it. The interesting thing was the fact I had a DOM and he did collar me. The problem was the fact that I would switch on and try to DOM him. We ended up parting ways and now I am back in the lifestyle.
If someone would give me some help that would be great.
I have just started corresponding with my first Dom and was wondering if you or anyone else could give me any pointers or ideas of what I might encounter. I’m excited and nervous about this opportunity it’s always been one of my secret kinks but I’ve never actually been a part of it.
I’m kind of looking for some explanation and advice here. I have never been in this kind of relationship before and I really want the relationship side to a D/s, well, relationship, but I am a little scared of the sexual side. However, the idea of it has always greatly appealed to me.
I am 25 and have only had intercourse once, it was amazing and very vanilla but the relationship was toxic so I ended it, so certain aspects frighten or make me uneasy.
For example, conditioning. I am scared of being punished for things I can’t control. I just don’t know if I could handle it. Which brings me to my next fear.
Punishment. While I have never tried it during sex, I do not enjoy pain. I don’t have a high pain tolerance and the idea of spanking, caining, being struck with a paddle, etc. frightens me. I am open to trying something, but what if it’s too much or I don’t like it? How would a Dom handle that? Would I just have to learn to endure it?
Safety. I naturally submit, under most circumstances, and that includes sex. However, especially during sex, I am possibly too submissive. I have endured something that I did not enjoy, and made me feel wrong after, to please the other person. And I did so without ever saying anything to the other person. I am worried I would be too scared of disappointing my Dom to safeword out of something I needed to.
Vanilla sex. I need it to be more then BDSM all the time. I also need to be able to have vanilla sex as well. Would that be something he can do?
Those are my biggest hang ups about D/s. With these hang ups is it still possible to have this kind of relationship?
I just wanted to say that I really admire the way you have responded to the questions and concerns of your readers. Reading through the comments you name appears over and over and your comments are kind, patient, and supportive. You are the type of person we should strive to be regardless of whether or not we are into bdsm. Thank you.
To the untrained eye, I am a very dominate female who, when I enter a room-all eyes fall on me. When something goes wrong, they look to me for the answer.
To a true Dom’s eyes, I am a sub screaming for order and discipline. I crave it. The approval of Sir. The rewards for my ability to please him. The punishments for when I disappointed him.
I crave that structure again.
I have been reading your work, and the comments of everyone. I adore the atmosphere and your structure.
Thank you
This is my first time ever seeking advise on this but here it goes. Ive been married to my wife for almost 3 years but we have been together for almost 7 and have 2 beautiful boys. Im 23 now. We were highschool sweethearts. Ever since i became sexually active it seemed i was always drawn to the (freaky) girls. I dont know why but after a while and multiple relationships i became interested in the BDSM lifestyle and have researched it for a very long time. Ive made attempts with multiple women to try and open myself up as a newborn dominant but i was never successful until now. My wife and i have had our kinks and fetishes and she is well aware of my nature but she is newer to this than i am. She woshes to try out the lifestyle of a submissive and i her dominant. Im a nervous person i always have been. We are to be going on a date soon and we have discussed that we are both willing to go through with this. We trust eachother to every aspect of our beings. I guess my question is. Is that i have held this ideal inside of my heart for so long with so many failures and now that i found someone willing to give it a shot with me am i worthy of being my wifes dominant. And what would my sons think of their father. I am prepared to be honest with them anytime anywhere about who i am and what i wish to be.
Sean,
Is it possible for a Dom to learn to be a Dom on his own or is it better to study under an experienced Dom? I was offered to be taught how to be a submissive by an experienced Dom but I only want to submit to a particular person who is not yet in the lifestyle. Does he need to be trained (as a Dom) also for this to work well?
He needs to have the desire and drive to learn. You can inspire that in him by showing him how much fun is possible if he does. Learning under someone is a great way (as long as the Dom under whom you’re learning is “good”), but not the only way. Read, discuss, think, trial and error. All of this will give a hand.
This was very helpful information. I am 33 years old and have been dying to experience a true dominate and submissive/BDSM relationship. I dabbled very little in the submissive and dominate type of world, not nearly enough though. I am very curious about it and extremely interested in finding a real dominate male in the Long Island/New York City area. You see, I tend to have a strong personality and tend to wear the pants in most of my relationships, but I am tired of having that much control. I am ready to let go and have a dominate male take over if not most, then everything when pertaining to specific decisions made throughout the day to sexual encounters when I am summoned to meet with my dominate. I know I still have much to learn, but I know with the right dominate, I will prevail in being a great submissive. If you are interested, or want to know more about me before making a decision, please do not hesitate to contact me via e-mail at first.
By the way- email is: robinrenee_02@yahoo.com
I have read your articles and I am very impressed with the information that you have and the knowledge that you show. I am curious though, where do you find a dom? I have been interested in this lifestyle for a while but have never been able to find anyone with the same interests… any help would be appreciated. ~thanks
Hi April. There are various sites such as FetLife among others that may help with your search. Do you have an email where I could contact you? Would love to converse with you about what you’re looking for. – Mike
Hiiii,
I notice that there’s no mention of female dominance, or none that I’ve seen.
The information seems awesome, in any case, and at this time I’m more naturally a sub, but would like to show my dearest a different side sometime.
Would you say that the advice given to male doms is the same given to female doms? Does it matter?
Thanks!
Other than the small tidbits which are clearly gender specific, everything else I write and teach is entirely gender agnostic. Change around the pronouns, and it works as well for men as it does women. The details (words you say, techniques you’ll use) change, depending on genders/power dynamics, but those are the least important parts. The theory is all the same. I’ve had many clients whom don’t fit this advertised gender/power dynamic. Hope that helps.
Hi. I am somewhat new to this. My previous master wasn’t very… detailed about any of this. Master made me write a contract for us. I never really was told about rules and expectations. Master just told me to do things and expected me to know what he meant.
I have a new Master and he is very new to all of this. How can I help him lean about this when I don’t know this all myself?
If this comment section is still active, I‘m looking for a dom. I‘m a kinky curvy woman in my 30s and I like to be a sub. Only experienced (daddy) doms please!
Email me: spunkyrella at gmail . com
hi,im new to this,i want to be a sub,but in my country i dont think i can find a good master.im srilankan boy.age 27.
i want some one who can control me .humiliate me.and i will do everything for my masters happiness.
Hello Stef, is there an email where I can contact you? Would love to discuss this with you in more detail.
Hi I want to be a Lesbian Dom and I liked your little essay, could we talk more so you can teach me more?
Sean,
Your articles are all very well written, and I’ve noticed and appreciate the attention you pay to people in the comments. You are selfless with your knowledge and an excellent roll model. Thank you for your contributions to the community’s knowledge and wellbeing.
Cheers,
Wolf
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The man I love is back in my life after 20 plus years and we’ve been talking now almost 2 years. Tonight he asked me to be his Dom. Now I know he’s been a Sub in the past. This is somewhat new to me. I’ve been reading allot here in the last couple of months, just based on the way we talk and text to each other, but honestly to me it’s a great honor to be asked to be his Dom, even though he knows I’ve never done this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciate. I want to please him so he’ll please me.
I new to all of this but i would like to know is should you punih ur sub if they talk and obey another dom with out your permission and if so what kind of punishment should be given any advice is appreciated
I’m totally new to this and have a D/s relationship online.. I’m a dom women and I’m not sure how to keep things alive, fun and interesting over messenger.. any tips/ideas?
Hello,
I hope this website is still active. I need some help. I am in a long distance relationship at the moment. Its only until September. But my boyfriend wants to be a Dom. I know the basics and the point of the BDSM lifestyle. My boyfriend on the other hand is fairly new to this type of relationship but he’s a Scorpio! And is naturally good at the dominant role. (I believe in horoscopes signs and characteristics) I explained everything to him a write the rules but sent him pictures of them for his approval and see what we need to compromise on if any. We do not have a safe word ATM. I did submit to him. I have a collar I not allowed to take off.
The problem is he says I need to balance between being a sub and a girlfriend. But its confusing…when he gets upset I try not to argue. But when it does I try to comfort him and be his girlfriend. But then its just no I need to stop arguing (things I say come off as arguing and its not intentional) over text its hard.
What I’m trying to say his its not strictly only in the bedroom BDSM relationship, because there’s rules I need to follow outside of role play. So we are an in between type…any advice or tips for either of us? I’m sorry if its to confusing.
.Any help would be appreciated.I am in NNJ Hi Master
I am a new master .I acquired another master sub.He is totally out of the picture.His sub seems well trained in his mode.There are certaint things the sub uses on me to make me question am i doing it right,As you discuss there are many styles and variation.She insist on being blindfolded 24/7.No oral on me will no talk at all,moves head left to right when training.These are things i don’t want.How do I retrain and change her.Is this possible.I want to take her out show her off but then she doesn’t talk I am in NNJ maybe a visiting master may help or she i give with her beause so far with all my training she doesnt change
I am getting bored of the same sex positions every time and I want more I am not a hair puller but I want toys I want force and I want total pleasure and I do not want welts or bleeding from anything from being spanked I live in Canada in surrey Vancouver and I don not know what to do or go instead of watching it on porn to get off I am 47 years old ,I had some bad years and I want to put them behind me and focus on what I want what fills myself with pleasure and to give who ever that is my dom his pleasure too
Hi, just looking for some ideas. I agreed to become a short term dom stand in for a friend (the sub) that is long distance. He is to have a chastity device on as part of the agreement. It’s a temporary situation that could lead to a more permanent one (minus a chastity device, on my request), since I’ve found I’m really enjoying it. I am very new to this, and he is not. I’m finding my creativity is being dampened by not only the chastity device, but the long distance as well. On top of all that, I’m only allowed contact through email or text since I’m in a relationship, and that was the agreement we put in place. So, there is no ‘real-time’ kind of contact for anything. I’m currently just looking for some tips, with regards to the current situation, from another more experienced dom, or even a sub?
Most of the this all goes back to the bible if you care to read it. Ephesians 5:22
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. Colossians 3:19
Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Colossians 3:18
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
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Great article and lots of good information in the comments as well.
I am a Dom who is looking for a Sub to develop a strong D/S relationship.
I live on Long Island New York.
I would like to find someone local, but online would be good also.
Thank you for this article. I’ve been selected to be Mistress in such a manner that I feel that I’m simply submitting to being a dominant. I know why I was chosen, I’m relatively dominant in my outside visible life but have always been rather timid in my relationships. I kind of like it but my question is… what kind of mental paradigm shift do i need to make that I’m just not submitting to being a dom. I feel like he’s actually the one in control. Is that normal? How do i personalize it to know that I’m in control when my sub already has experience in this type of relationship.
If I may ask, I was wondering who I am because some days I feel much like a Dom while others days (or moments) I feel very Submissive. Any help would be very much appreciated. Thank you for your time and knowledge Masters/Mistresses.
Whoops sorry, I didn’t mean to not include the Subs here too.
I’m a bratty sub who just got out of a topbottom relationship because my dom didn’t care about my wants and needs as a submissive but also as a person. He also said he didn’t trust me and that really hurt me when I worked so hard to try to build trust. I’m in this weird head space right now where I was the structure of the relationship, but I’m not sure if I want another relationship yet. I’m trying to make my own rules right now and its really weird
Great article and would like to know more
Pleeeeease 😛😛😛😛😛 I want to be Dominated like this ❤️
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I’m in a ltr with a man who has never been a Dom. i would like him to be my Dom, have made some suggestions but he seems reluctant, even to the point of getting angry at me when i set up under the bed handcuffs, lit candles and was ready for him to play with me. So i put everything away. i’ve only been in one short term, long distance Dom/sub relationship 20 yrs ago, but always knew it’s what i needed/wanted. i know he feels inadequate even though he seemed excited when i brought out my box of toys. i don’t know what to do. Please advise.
The RESPONSIBILITIES and DUTIES of a DOM
Being Dominant/submissive is a state of mind. It is not a sex act, it is not a game, and it is not a role. It is a state of being and is totally asexual (neither male nor female)
First and foremost, a Dominant is always a Gentleman or Lady.
There is no excuse for being impolite or rude to others. Save this for the submissive that needs and requires this of their Dominant.
Second, a Dominant must always be in control.
Drugs, even alcohol, are mind and body controlling agents. They affect relationships and most importantly can affect a scene, therefore taking away the control the Dominant MUST have.
Third, a Dominant is always honest.
To lie is to show you cannot be trusted and a submissive must be able to trust you to respect you. Every submissive knows that not every Dominant is super experienced and will respect you much more if you tell the truth. Be honest with a submissive about your level of experience with others and the submissive. The submissive can even help you to gain experience and is really an enjoyable learning process. Tell the submissive up-front if You do not wish a monogamous relationship. Most submissives understand and even expect this in a Dominant. You may not get “that” submissive but you will not loose her/his respect.
Fourth, a Dominant accepts responsibility for all his/her actions.
Everyone makes mistakes. Do what is needed to make amends, and correct it. Accept and admit the fact that you messed up. To seek an excuse for something going wrong or hurting someone will cause you to lose respect.
Fifth, a Dominant expects but does not demand respect.
No Dominant demands strangers to call him/her Master/Mistress. Respect is earned over time. Demanding Master/Mistress on your name means nothing and is a word that when not earned is meaningless and makes you to others appear to be a petty childish fool. Those that know you and respect you will call you Master or Mistress when you earn it, not before. Remember, to other Dominants you are not Their Master/Mistress you are their equal do not DEMAND them too ever call You that.
Sixth, a Dominant knows and understands the differences between needs, desires and wants.
The submissive may want a 24/7 relationship with an understanding Dominant. The submissive may desire a short relationship with a crude rude person. The submissive may need a stable sharing marriage with children.
Duties of a DOM
It is the duty of a Dominant to control his/her emotions.
To punish a submissive in anger or to lash out to anyone is abusive.
It is the duty of a Dominant to remember that submission is a gift.
To misuse this gift is abusive. When the submissive is not free to take back the gift it is no longer a gift.
It is the duty of a Dominant to watch over and protect all submissives.
This does not mean to protect them from finding some other Dominant and to keep them for oneself.
It is the duty of a Dominant to take only a submissive that will match him/her.
A submissive that is not into whips should not belong to a Dominant that loves to whip submissives.
It is the Duty of a Dominant to take only the amount of submissives the DOM can properly handle, control, love, comfort and care for. Do not keep a submissive hanging, giving false hopes. Free and release the submissive so the submissive can get along with finding the right Dominant.
It is the duty of a Dominant to watch and monitor the scene carefully and to ensure the submissive is not being harmed either physically or emotionally.
At any time the slightest thing can go wrong and the scene is ruined for the submissive and pleasure becomes actual pain.
It is the duty of a Dominant after a scene to ensure the submissive is emotionally stable.
During a scene the submissive is filled with hormones. Afterwards the body reduces them and may cause severe depression to the extent of being suicidal. The submissive must be made to understand the depression and or emotional release is normal and expected. Normal emotions will return in hours to a day. Anything longer is a sign of emotional instability in the submissive and must be corrected before doing another scene. (A Dominant can also experience this depression after a high from the scene.) Each reacts differently some stay high for weeks and when they come down seek the scene again to regain the high. This also can lead to problems such as longer, more intense and dangerous scenes, with unknown Dominants.
It is the duty of a Dominant to know and understand what the needs, desires and wants of a submissive are.
Failure to do so may harm the submissive emotionally and mentally.
Responsibilities of a DOM
It is the responsibility of a Dominant to insure an unowned submissive is guided to a Dominant that is suited to the submissive’s wants, needs and desires.
It is the responsibility of a Dominant to insure the submissive knows what being abusive is.
To insure this is to insure the submissive knows when to call it quits.
It is the responsibility of a Dominant to ensure the submissive knows what the submissive’s rights are.
It is the responsibility of a Dominant to teach the submissive information about the Lifestyle.
The best method is to teach the submissive how to acquire this information and where he/she can get it. An ignorant submissive can be an embarrassment to a Dominant.
It is the responsibility of a Dominant to insure the submissive grows and develops under the Dominant’s ownership, in both the lifestyle and the public life (i.e., job and family). Being submissive only means being a “doormat” when the submissive has made it clear that is what the submissive is looking for.
Dishonorable Acts
For a Dominant to allow a submissive to be actually harmed in ANY way is dishonorable.
For a Dominant to allow a submissive’s rights to be violated is dishonorable.
For a Dominant to play with and discard a submissive just for amusement is dishonorable (exception is a submissive that has declared this is the treatment they need).
Unless the submissive has declared them selves to be unowned, another Dominant’s interference in a relationship is dishonorable.
To chase after or scene with Another’s submissive without the other Dominant’s permission and full knowledge is dishonorable.
No Dominant can be expected to live up to the above 100% of the time, others will respect him/her for trying and the harder she/he tries the more respect all will have for the Dominant and his/hers.
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I like this article in the sense that it does a good job informing the reader how to be a good, and safe dom. I would like to say I don’t love how the article referred to the dom as male and sub as female several times. Instead they could have used gender neutral pronouns, as there are sub males, dom women, and gay and lesbian relationships. This way it’s more inclusive and helps break the stereotype that dom and sub equals a male dominating a submissive woman.
I found this very thought provoking. I’ve been trying my hand at topping and I am never sure what to have them do or what to say. I think I would like to lean towards service, I’m not much into degradation. I would love to learn more on this, I hope to see more from you. Thank you and take care.
Anyone still active on here? I’m in the process of becoming a perfect dominatrix/humiliatrix.. you may call me MissPretty. I’ve been dabbing in this for a few years and have had an online sub for quite some time but I want to go farther dig deeper into the life of Mistress who ruins men for pleasure for myself and my sub.. I want to make them so weak for me they drop to the floor when I enter
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I am emerging as a new Domme. I have 2 online male subs but I am finding it challenging to keep them engaged and consistent. They will/ have sent me payment for my attention and non nude pics. Help.