It’s possible to enjoy your kinks in a way which not only makes you a gentleman, but makes you more desirable to women.
Everyone has their own kinks, fetishes, fantasies, and desires. The degree in which you push these is the main thing which separates the freaks from the vanilla. The first step in all of this is to accept the kinks you have and begin to be honest and mature about them. If you are unable to have an open discussion about your fetishes, it’s almost certain you are not capable of exploring them safely.
I use the terms kink and fetish often in this article, and figure I should take a second to explain the subtle difference in the terms. A fetish is an abnormal desire (and that doesn’t have to be sexual). Fetish is always specific, while kink is general. Your kink encompasses all of your fetishes, but not the other way around. At the same time, a single fetish can be referred to as a kink.
While kink can come in any form or function, the vast majority of all kinks will either be something you do to someone else, or something someone else does to you. Almost all of these scenarios involve a form of power play: someone is in control of the scene, making choices, and ensuring results.
This article is about being a Dom. A Dominant, also known as a Top, is always in control. Make no mistake, being a Dom is a lot of work and responsibility.
Why would any woman want to submit?
When examined on their own, a lot of the specific elements of kink are wrong, offensive, degrading, and/or humiliating. It’s common for people to question the motives and reasons behind doing these things, and these challenges should be encouraged. If you can’t explain why what you are doing is right, and rooted in respect, then you have no business doing these things in the first place.
Submission by choice.
The concept behind a power-exchange relationship is based in respect and the earnest desire to be a positive, healthy, mate. Pain, degradation, and humiliation are all tools used for emotional manipulation. When and how you use these tools depends on the reaction and result you intend from your sub.
A true Dom will degrade a sub, because he respects them. A Dom sadist will hurt a sub, because he loves them. At no point is it about anger, hate, or disgust.
By taking control, you are taking responsibility for the quality of the sex you are having. It is entirely on you for her to have a good time. If you are good at what you do, taking on this burden frees her up to do nothing more than experience and enjoy. She can entirely shut off her brain, and submit.
The truth of submission is in her submitting to herself, letting her need for control go and becoming entirely free. This amount of trust is not something to take lightly, if it scares you you should consider doing kinky things with your partner, but not going as far as to think of yourself as a Dom.
The power paradox
The fundamental concept around a Dominant & submissive relationship (D/s) is that the dominant is in control. They make the choices, they give the orders, and they deliver the punishments when appropriate.
The paradox is that even in the most extreme D/s relationships, the sub has the ultimate power. It is always up to her what is unacceptable, she always has the final say as to what you can or cannot do with or to her. The only choice a sub has to make in a full power exchange relationship is continuing to choose to give away her control and power. Make no mistake, no matter what the dynamics of your relationship this ultimate control must always be willfully given.
Mistakes are unacceptable
As a Dom it is your job to be confidently in control of the situation at all times. You need to adopt the ideology that mistakes are unacceptable. This seems a contradiction, as no one ever intends to make a mistake, but somethings should not be done in practise until you are confident you can accomplish them with skill and precision. For example, you do not learn how to land an airplane through trial and error.
A collar is a symbol, much like a ring.
The job of a good Dom is to be pushing the limits and boundaries of his sub, without ever going too far and breaking them. You want to push them as hard as you can, with them yearning to come back and see you again when you are finished. If they don’t want to come back, you did not do your job well.
Just about every aspect of D/s and kink is dangerous, either physically or mentally. Just because you see something hot in a video doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to pull it out in the middle of a scene. The best way to ensure you don’t make any mistakes is to have an honest and open line of communication with your sub, long before playtime ever starts.
Honesty is not optional
When I say honesty, I don’t mean you don’t tell any big lies, I mean brutal, stark, brazen honesty.
- You need to be honest with yourself: You need to know who you are, what you want, what you need, and what you don’t.
- You need to be honest with your sub: You need to accurately relay what you want and need from them, and what you are capable of giving to them in return. It is never okay to tell them what you think they want to hear, you need to tell them only the truth, no matter how difficult is may be.
- You need to ensure your sub is honest with you: It’s not enough to hear your sub tell you something, and then go on your merry way. You need to be sure what they are telling you is the truth. Breaking a sub’s limits by doing only what they said they wanted will leave them as hurt and broken as if you did what they said they didn’t. It’s up to you to ensure you are working with accurate information.
I am not trying to say that a sub will lie to you, sure some may, but more often than not the sub will simply be ignorant of their own limits, needs, and desires. This isn’t an insult, it’s often impossible to know how you will react to a situation until you are in it. It’s not their fault, but it is always up to you to get it correct, regardless of what they might believe or have said.
When something does go wrong, it’s on you to handle it like a man. It’s your job to make sure they are calm, safe and healthy and to discuss what just happened. You need to accept and own up to any of your own faults, and you need to provide boundless support and compassion. You should not expect to continue having fun that night, or possibly longer, depending on what she needs. This is your penance for the mistake, and you are never allowed to forget what is most important in all of this:
Everything is about her
Have no illusions: a Dom man should always be a gentleman first. While it is you making all choices and holding all control, you need to understand that everything you do is for and about her. Every choice you make needs to be the best choice for her, often this requires you to be selfless, if you can’t handle that this dynamic is not for you.
For a sub to give away all control and power, they need to trust you and your choices implicitly. To gain this level of trust you need to prove, with every choice you make, that she will be rewarded for putting her trust in you. Everything you do should be done for a reason, and that reason should always be positive for your pet.
Have pride and show no regrets
At the onset of this article I claimed that your kinks can make you more attractive to women. The key in this is you first have to be a good man, and good at what you do. If you are a Dom you need to be confident you are a good Dom, you need to be proud of who you are and what you can do.
Embrace who you are, and have more fun.
If this is true, you are capable of showing pride and confidence in your ability as a Dom, and through that gain inherit respect as a man and a lover. You should never hide from your perversions, you should always be proud. This doesn’t mean you should advertise it, but when the topic comes up, or the moment is correct to bring it up, you have the ability to ooze confidence along with intrigue and appeal.
Most men are too afraid to talk about sex, at all. By you saying, earnestly, “I am sexually dominant” you have created a line of conversation too appealing to ignore. By having the ability to answer any of her questions (when in doubt, be honest) you will become irresistible to a woman who shares your kinks.
If a woman can describe you as intriguing, exciting, and confident, you are doing very well. Obviously your kink will deter some women, but this shouldn’t bother you. Any woman who is turned off by your honest self is clearly not a fit for you. Be polite, do not attack or offend, and move on.
Final Random Toy Tips
If you start to take your kink seriously, you are going to end up with an assortment of toys, tools, and props. Treat this with respect, and follow these tips:
- Know how to use your toys properly, their limits, and all applicable safety measures.
- Clean all toys before and after every use.
- Keep toys organised and stored properly, like a mechanic’s tools. They are not all thrown into a pile somewhere.
- Keep all locks locked (including handcuffs) at all times. This way you will always be sure you have the keys before using the item.
- Don’t hide your toys away. If you are proud of what you do, you will have no reason to hide your tools. At the same time you don’t see a mechanic storing his wrenches on the mantle. Have pride, but don’t flaunt.
A final note: if you are doing anything kinky or even remotely dangerous, be sure to have a safeword. The majority of the kink community uses Yellow (for slow down, ease off) and Red (for stop right now, this is bad).
I offer one on one private BDSM relationship coaching for men just like you. If you want to take the quickest and easiest route to becoming a confident, competent, Dom head to my BDSM coaching site and drop me a line.
good
Real man here..if you date
Soi I am interested in a lady who lives the sub lifestyle. I have no hangups and enjoy kink. Can I just turn on being dom? Have had some light experience but my potential freind is fully committed to being a sub. Hope I can make it work!
I am new to this world. I’ve never thought about it until I met “her”. She is a sub and I want to learn some techniques for beginners to show some confidence in my actions. Thank you.
Thank your for your post!
There are a lot of useful principles for being a good dominant, and I think it’s helpful to examine a lot of different perspectives, particularly with regard to learning from mistakes – after all, none of us start out perfect. There’s more on that here https://www.ropeconnections.com/how-to-be-a-good-dominant-6-useful-principles/
Overall, I found your perspective really useful for a wider view of dominance 🙂
Came by for drink recipes and got sucked into this, lol
Nice article, but where are these real, whiskey drinking men??
I’d love to meet a gentleman who still knows how to wear the pants 😉
Whiskey drinking, pants wearing, mannerly dominant men are out there, you just need to be yourself and find one to submit to…
What I never understand is women who say they want a real man a dominant man but than the second your around their friends they want to take charge or degrade you. If you want a dominant man to stick around than you need to learn how to be submissive.
I don’t fight for dominance. Me and my wife argue about things but when it comes down to it I am in charge and she knows it. She prefers to relinquish control in most things because it leaves her free of burdens and let’s me be a man. Women could learn lessons from my wife but they won’t because women these days want a dominant man in the bedroom and life but a submissive to them in public.
I disagree with you entirely. The dynamic of a relationship is what you make it. I wouldn’t put up with a woman treating me without respect in all scenarios.
If I’m upset angry with my partner I will wait till we are home or alone to talk about it. To put your partner on show is degrading to your relationship you and her, I would never get pleasure out of putting anyone I love on show.
I agree entirely.
I agree. Is this worth discussing with her or moving on politely?
For me, I’m an extremely strong, independent woman on the outside, but a submissive in the bedroom. The dominance doesn’t spill over into our daily lives. My Dom loves, respects and adores me in public, then owns and ravages me in private, as it should be.
Chery, your personality description the of D/s you have is exactly ours. My sub is a strong willed, independent, intelligent driven woman, but during our private time in public, at our homes and bedrooms she submits whole and completely. I love and respect her like no other
good for you :))))))))))
Love it ❤️
I have a question, more so for your wife, on how to be a good submissive. And from you how you started being a dom? My husband and I are interested in this actually becoming our lifestyle. But its hard to explain to him how to be a master. And I generally know how to be a good pet, but I would like some others advice.
Preching to the quire on that one
Who submits to one who can’t spell though? Not even in the bedroom, ugh.
That’s so not true. I can’t be with a man who isn’t always in control. I KNOW yo ALWAYS be respectful, hell even MORE respectful to my Man in public, because I do have to be behind closed doors with Him.
Then they have not had a dominant man if they are acting like that.
Seriously well said
I want a submissive man in all areas of my life, but I think most women are confused between what they actually want and what society tells them they should want. Society tells all of us that the only men worth being with are macho, hyper-masculine alpha males. This is fine if you are a naturally submissive woman. But if you are an alpha female yourself, obviously this won’t work for you and every relationship will be a long power struggle with a catastrophic ending. If you are a dominant female, find a submissive man. If you are submissive female find a dominant man. End of story.
Mia,
That may be true for you. If you want a submissive there will be plenty out there for you and that’s totally normal and many women feel just that way. For what it is worth, my partner is highly accomplished, professional, and in charge of everything she does. At work she is in charge of the entire hospital department when she is working. She has written texts and teaches young doctors. She literally makes life and death decisions for patients, and she is naturally highly inclined to be in control everywhere in her life. If ever there were a naturally dominant woman, it is her. We were together for 8 years before a persistent relationship block led me to stumble upon an unexpected paradox. Being so naturally dominant was exactly the key to why being dominated in the bedroom was so freeing and thus sexually rewarding to her. Finally, a place where she was literally prevented from controlling anything but her willingness to continue submitting. To say the least our relationship is on a new and highly rewarding plane. She swears she would have never 5 lifetimes guessed this about herself. But she discovered it and now rarely wants anything else, though the contract does permit her to make one romantic request a week. I haven’t gotten many.
In fact, it takes an amazingly confident and powerful woman in a completely trusting relationship to truly explore D/s sex. What, after all, would be the benefit to either partner for an average man to dominate a weak and naturally submissive woman?
I volunteer
We are everywhere. Chivas drinker, always have always been
If you can’t find a gentleman who still knows how to wear the pants, well, what’s the common denominator in that situation?
We’re in Jacksonville, FL ma’am.
I love whiskey and I love control of a woman who fully submits. 😉
Whiskey tastes so much better when it is simply from a kiss instead of a glass. So many less drunk girls parading the hallways 😜😉
Well. This was good for me to read. As I said on another part of this site, I’M now married to Betty, ( 1 of my sisters best friends ) . Betty pointed out when we got together 6 years ago that she’s a SUB. It took me awhile to get used to her calling me a DOM. I Still ain’t fully used to that , but it’s OK. Betty also points out that I’M the Alpha. Betty has a little Dog named Toro, and He’s Constantly at my feet. He watches me almost every second of every day. Sits by the bathroom door and waits for me to exit the bathroom. Lays at my feet while I”M on the computer, etc etc. He’s her dog, but I’M His Person.
Betty claim’s to be Twisted. I guess she means kinky. She took me to an adult store, and showed me a few things in the FRONT part of that store. Then took me to the Big Toy Section in the BACK part of that store. O M G , I have seen things in magazines, But here I was in a room with the real deal. ( kinda freaked me out a little ) All the Bondage stuff, tie up stuff, Masking, Leather, things to be Tied or bound to. whips, chains, ropes, Locks, cuffs, belts, I cant even remember all I saw in that room.
I drive an 18 wheeler around the country, and while I’M driving, my mind go’s into Sex Mode. ( Chuckling ) I think of things to do with Betty, and I get a little aroused . A Little ? No, Make it Very aroused. Having to adjust my pants to make myself comfortable while driving. ( Should start waring Cargo Pants or something for the looseness )
Driving with a full fledged hard on isn’t easy sometimes. A few times I have pulled over or into a rest area or an exit ramp, and Ordered Betty. GET EM OFF . She looks at me with a Big Smile and say’s, Oh Really … as she Gets em off. We get a quickie and back to driving truck I go. She has told me that It’s Cute that i can be thinking of her and get so damn excited that I have to have her NOW.
Normally, I try to make sure she gets off first, or at the same time. Sometimes I’M selfish, and just take care of me. but, she gets this look on her face of satisfaction for me having to have her NOW.
Yesterday, we laid down because w e w a s t i r ed ! We delivered the shipment, came to the truck stop, and was going to get some sleep. I had No Intentions of getting it on. I laid down, Betty beside me, her head on my arm, and facing my chest. I was almost asleep when my head hit the pillow. She whispered, i love you, and Bit me lightly on my chest. INSTANT HARD. She laughed , and I said I can’t go to sleep now. She told me the only way I was going to get to go to sleep was…. and we got naked ,,, and went at it. I left her hanging at her almost ready to have her’s. I Honestly don’t remember laying back down. But, we woke up a few hours later, and laughed about what happened. ( I Will make it up to her ) .
As for the my being the Dom part of this story. I need Practice. and Betty’s here to help me.
I am proud and impressed by you. Your relationship with Betty shows that love can never be diminished, and that communication is the key to any healthy relationship.kudos to you and Betty.
Aww love this post! ❤
Tania, are you interested in being a Sub? If so, reply to Wes.
Hi
Hello
Bit me lightly on my chest. INSTANT HARD. She laughed , and I said I can’t go to sleep now. She told me the only way I was going to get to go to sleep was…. and we got naked ,,, and. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . THIS CLEARLY shows that you are not a true dom if she is TELLING YOU the only way YOU are getting sleep is if you would fuck her, get your weight up homie and ALWAYS be in control. . . . .she should have been punished FOR TELLING YOU WHAT YOU HAD TO DO! But hey I guess this is amateur hour!
Haha, Nicholas, you must be really dominant. What, with obvious insecurity and weakness that would motivate you to shame a stranger’s sexual relationship. This is the perfect example of the difference between actual dominance and weakness-motivated desire for dominance.
Im 21 and up until about three months ago my sex life had been rather lacking. But I met a woman few years older than me that likes to have be spanked, have her hair pulled, slapped around a bit and generally be told what to do.
At first I was extremely uncomfortable with it. During sex she basically ordered me to pull her hair and spank her I did and shit kind of just escalated from there. For me the best part of sex is pleasing my partner and if she loves to be choked, slapped, or called a slut than I’m ok with that.
Other guys reading this might not be ok with that type of thing. But, if your not even willing to try it than that type of girl definitely is not for you. If I hadn’t enjoyed it would’ve said said so and told her we wouldn’t work out.
I’m just glad I tried it.
I had a very similar experience. Advice, especially advice like this, isn’t good for everyone. I write it for the men like me, hopefully they can easily learn the things I learned the hard way. It sounds like you’re on the right path.
I am a gay woman. I am the alpha in the relationship and have been very interested in becoming a Dom. I’m
Not exactly sure where to start…
Hey Bella,
Firstly, as you identify as a woman the correct spelling for you would be a Domme. As for where to start, that will depend on where, exactly, you would like to get to. My best suggestion is to sign up for a session or two of BDSM coaching, with me!. If you want to know more about that write me an email and I will set up a time for a skype chat. If you would rather suss this all out for yourself I would start by reading everything you can get your hands on, sign up on Fetlife and find a mentor/someone to ask questions to. You need to learn both the theory of what you are doing, and why, and you need to learn the techniques for the actions. For example: the theory on why you would tie someone up with rope is pretty self-evident, but the process is not. If you tie someone up incorrectly you can cause serious damage. Get the proper supplies, learn proper techniques, and learn how to be safe.
Dear sir, I am an unattached sub (as of current). Though I recently got into contact with an ex boyfriend I was with 10 years ago, before I realized my true self. He always had a suspicion of my submissive side, though it never came to light until after him and I stopped talking last. Since we started talking again, we started to get fairly close, and have rekindled old emotions, though I can’t be with him unless he’s willing to completely dominate me. I can’t move forward with being with him unless he’s willing to take control. That’s the only way I could truly be fulfilled. I need to please him. He seems to have a dominant side in him, so I decided to let him know what I need. It took him back at first, but he also told me that it made sense. He didn’t get scared off (JOY) and almost seemed intrigued by the idea. He seems to be game for taking control, and becoming my dom, but I’m not certain he knows exactly what it entails, or what I truly NEED him to be. He’s never been a dom before. I need guidance. As much as I want to please him, I fear I may just scare him off, and I might be better off finding a true, experienced dom. I don’t give orders. I need to be trained, I can’t do the training. I’m not sure what to do :/ I thought of sharing your article with him, but I’m worried it wouldn’t please him. Could you please give me some advice?
Hello, sub. This is one of those tricky situations where things rarely work out well. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope.
The problem is that you are looking for a lifestyle, full power exchange. While any man can learn how to play a roll for fun in bed, to take on this roll as a lifestyle requires a desire and dedication that needs to come from him. You can’t train him on how to train you. So while you could likely have a lot of fun with him, it’s very unlikely that he can be what you desire him to be. It takes a long time to learn how to be a good Dom. I would find various pieces of information: articles, videos, discussions, etc. And see how he takes to them. I would approach him as nothing more than casual fun, until you know he can provide for you what you need. Unfortunately most people are unable or unwilling to be the type of man you are looking for.
I am a sub. I have always known this, but just actually experienced my first D/s relationship with my last boyfriend. My issue is this, now that I have awakened this, nothing else will ever be enough. No matter how much I like a man, if I don’t feel we are sexually compatible or that he can provide what I need in this sense, then I lose interest. And so few fit into this category in my town. So my question is this: if I find a man who is willing to experience this, what is the best way for him to learn? I’m so afraid that no one will ever be able to dominate me again and that I will be forced to live out my life with this void that feels like it I versa does everything in me. Thank you in advance.
While there are lots of classes if you’re in a big enough city, one thing that is important to understand is that no man will be a mind reader and if you suggest that someone dominate you or do certain things, they will most likely have no problem with it and may be quite good. Being open and honest with your expectations and desires will always make for a much better relationship or scene.
You can’t make a person learn how to be a Dom. But if he wants to, for his own desires, learn then get him to start reading and talking to people about it. Or better yet, get him to sign up for coaching with me – Sean Lind coaching
Hi Jen,
If you don’t mind me asking… what city do you live in?
I’m interested on taking on that role.
D.
Ahahhahahha. This marks the first official attempt at a pickup in my blog comments.
I’ve been reading on this just today & that was funny!
Look up Solomon.jax on Instagram.
I have the same issue here ….
The advice about keeping everything locked to ensure you have keys before using it is very clever and something I never thought about. Overall, this had a lot of good advice.
Glad you enjoyed it. If all you got was just that one tip, the article was worth my time to write.
I would your gay slave
Thank you for the compliment.
First, I’d like to ask that any negative comments on my age not be said. I am a 17 year old submissive, who is a virgin in all things BDSM and in that I’m an actual virgin. An older dom/sub couple has taken me under their wing and, they having provided articles on the lifestyle (this one included), and I have come to the conclusion that I am, indeed, a submissive. I’m happy to have read this article, for it brings to light just how much my submission would mean to a dominant. Thank you, Sir, for your help in allowing me to realize just how much I would mean to a dominant.
You’re most welcome. Read everything you can, learn all you can, and do everything in your power to be safe. The BDSM world has its share of assholes, just like any other community, but an asshole in the BDSM world can cause a lot more damage than most. Just don’t rush into things, you have all the time in the world. I would also be very careful about actually playing with anyone in the scene until your next birthday. No matter what you think, want, and believe, sometimes everything goes crazy down in the US. The last thing you want is someone you love to get hurt.
Thank you Sir. Miss and Sir, the two who have taken me under their wing, have cautioned me on my impatience and have told me I should always be careful, especially since I’m under 18. My hope is to one day have a relationship such as theirs, with a true dom who understands me and my needs. Again, thank you Sir.
It all depends on where you live. 18 is considered the universal number only because of the influences of music, TV, and movies; most of which are created in California or New York where 18 is the legal norm.
I’m in my 30s, live in Indiana, and am not hesitant about spending my time with young subs. I enjoy aiding and sharing in their personal and sexual discoveries and thoroughly enjoy relying on my experience to ensure that every moment is memorable, meaningful, and safe.
How did you discover that you wanted to be a submissive? I’m a Dom/gentleman at heart and I always have been but I’ve always wondered what the process is like for women. Thank you in advance
Hello I am Master Steve I would train you to be Submissive.
Master Steve
I am a submissive. The man I am currently with has no clue about this. I want to introduce it to him so he can become my Dom. Only thing is hes not really into that kind of thing. What do you think I should do.
I don’t really think you will like my point of view on this. The problem is, for a Dom to be able to take on the amount of work, dedication, attention, and sheer will to be able to control and push you, they need to want to do it with every fiber of their being. It’s not about learning a few tricks, and having a little fun, it’s embracing a way of life. So unless this is what he wants, with or without you, it’s going to be tough to get him there at all. Also, it’s common for men to have a very hard time dealing with any of the degradation, humiliation, or pain aspects of the S&M world with someone they see firmly as a vanilla partner.
So my advice would be to have a conversation with him, about what you like and why you like it. Send him to this blog, have him read about it. And see how willing he is to start learning. If you’re really lucky, he will dedicate himself to it (and even sign up for my coaching). But be prepared for this not to work out. Typically it never does when trying to convert someone.
This almost describes my current situation to a T. My girlfriend is a submissive and i have no idea about the bdsm world. I want nothing more than to please her but i feel like I’m failing miserably. A friend has given me suggestions on things to do and I found this site through a search. Besides reading are there videos that i could turn to so that i coukd learn more?
There are tonnes of videos for techniques out there, and lots of porn for ideas, but the most important part of this all is the mental aspect. Making sure you know what you are trying to accomplish and why. Read around here, check reddit/r/bdsmcommunity. If you want to make the most progress in the least amount of time I suggest BDSM coaching, with me.
You find someone who is a dom, you don’t force some guy who is just in love with you. Who will probably do what ever you say to not lose you. You make sure you’re into the same thing before, not after.. I know this is a late reply, but more so to others who are reading this.
I’ve seen this so many times, also if the places were reversed. I know a girl is in love with me, and doesn’t want to lose me. So I tell her, well you need to be submissive and do all the things I like otherwise I will leave. You would all be screaming at how awful I am. It’s nothing but selfish what you’re doing.
Dayva. I just started looking into this world, and although I don’t like the idea of being dominated in every sense of the word- put down, demeaning, etc… I like the idea of a little play – being tied up, spanked hair pulled, I don’t know I’m open nipples teased etc. I took the chance and introduce my husband into a book and a man that I met on Instagram that talks about the dom – sub relationship. My husband and I have been together for 18 years combined. We have three beautiful children were even Christian 😜 But he is totally interested and we just tried it for the first time. I say be patient and communicate to your partner. You never know how they will respond, but it’s worth a shot. My husband stated after he tried it and I asked how he liked it – he responded there’s nothing not to like. Wow that was hot! I said give it a try what do you really have to lose?
Hello there, I am a 22 year old Submissive and recently I’ve wanted to try being a Domme……my question is where the hell do I start? I know what I like as a sub and I know what my recent “partner’s” likes and dislikes are as a sub. I’m confident in myself that I can do this, I’ve got all my toys(in a nice little treasure chest) I’ve got everything I need but for some reason I’m not sure where to start. I’m a little nervous because this is my first time and I really don’t want to fuck things up(excuse my colorful language) ummm help?
The best advice I have is to start small and build up. Start by treating your sub as you would like to be treated, and then grow and adapt. Make sure you move at your own pace, with strong slow confidence. Be sure you know how to do every action before you start, the risks and all safety. And most of all just have fun.
I am Master Steve I will take you under my wings and train you to be submissive.
Master Steve
Hi,
First of all may I just say that I loved this article. Many people believe that being a sub is degrading, etc… But this article proves that subs also have a lot of power, if not all of it.
Secondly, and this is about my situation, I am currently with someone who has said for a while that he would love to be my sub. I started given him simple orders, now however he wants me to go a bit further, and although I would love for him to do those things to me, I just can’t see myself doing them to him. I feel like I don’t have the courage. Is there something I can do to feel more confident?
Keep up the epic work 😉
Well confidence comes from within. It comes from knowing that you can give him exactly what he craves. It’s about making everything perfect for him, and doing it in your own way.
That’s about it. Now for my obligatory self promotion: I offer coaching to deal with exactly this sort of question.
ok so i have been talking to a beauteful girl i just resently found out that shes in to bdsm , she complaines that her master dont treat her right , i really do love this girl and i want to please her in any n every way i can , i have taken it upon my self to try to larn every thing i can about this life style
Good on you. There’s a lot to learn, and it takes a lifetime, but there is no better time to start than now. Read, talk to people, and take my BDSM coaching sessions!
As long as you are being honest to yourself, and making choices based on what’s best for her, you are going to be just fine.
Hi. So my husband and I are a young married couple. I am 23 and he is 24. He was into D/s as a Dom before we were married but gave that up when he met me. Recently however he has been expressing a desire to pursue that lifestyle again with me in our marriage. I’m very interested but I’m not sure I know how. I’ve always been a shy person and this is going to shove me way out of my comfort zone.
Read about it, talk about it, and start off slowly! The whole point is to have better sex, more fun, and more connection and trust between you both. I should have an article coming soon you will be interested in as well. And if you really want more help email me, and maybe we can figure something else out.
That was a good read, definitely gives much to consider. My wife recently told me how much she wants to be dominated in the bedroom. Deep down, it’s what I want as well, I’ve just never been a very confident person.
I suppose I simply have trouble letting go, and letting that side of me shine. But when it does, she loves it.
Do you have any advice for living this more than just in the bedroom?
Hello my girl and enjoy the lifestyle in the bedroom recently she told me she want me to be dominant overall throughout the day… I really want to as Well I just don’t know Where to start
I am currently with a woman who has expressed an interest in expanding our bedroom play. I have never been a Dom and it is something we both would like to do. Potential problem, she has tried it before with someone who hurt her. She knows my intentions are to give her the most pleasurable experience possible. Can you help me?
I offer coaching for both singles and couples for exactly this. But if you want to forge your own way, I would start by reading everything you can find, and then having some very open, honest, and clear conversations with your partner. figure out what you both want to accomplish, and what you want to avoid!
I have have just rediscovered my passion for being a Dom. I have experienced this with my ex wife for a couple years, but we were both in the beggining stages of discovery when we split.
I met a girl a few weeks ago that is very experienced as a sub and had an experienced master previously. She got her release from him because it was a poly styled relationship and she wants a monogamous relationahip. I want to make this girl happy because of the spark she gave me, and her desires fit mine. I just have reservations about the lack of experience On my end. We are very open with eachother, and talk about it daily. I want to increase my knowledge quickly and provide the best experience possible for my girl. I am very passionate about this woman so how do achieve 100% confidence in my abilities and when would I know?
The fact you’re reading blogs and asking question is a great sign. The only way to become a great Dom is to be truly understand your motives, and yourself. You need to be honest about what you’re doing, and why you’re doing it. And then you need to learn everything you can learn about the world, and the things we do. You need to learn the fundamentals and ensure you’re playing safely, and most importantly you need to understand that (despite what it looks like from a third party) your roll as a Dom is entirely to protect and push your sub. Every choice you make is with your sub’s best interest in mind, always.
Read, discuss, practice, and watch videos. And if you really want to speed up your learning, sign up for coaching. I’ll have you confident and competent in no time.
yeah yeah yeah was going to leave a great comment but this nag in the bk is killing me!!!!
I know this site is for men, but I have to get this out.. I have fallen for a man that is not dominant. The problem is I am a submissive. Just the thought of being owned,controlled,dominated,punished and sometimes adored, satisfies my soul. The thought of letting go and relinquishing all control/power, is more satisfying than sex. I’ve often thought about having a DOM on the side just so that I can stop looking to my current guy to fulfill this craving. But I can’t bring myself to cheat. Ive proposed an open relationship, but he’s not with that at all. As a result, sex isn’t fulfilling for me. It’s almost like I’m disgusted by him. He’s a love maker, and although I love making love, it just feels better when it’s with a man that owns my being. The even bigger problem is that if he were to try to be this DOM that I need, I think I’d be even more disgusted. It just isn’t who he is. In the beginning I tried setting the tone for a D/s relationship, and it started off great, but I noticed that it’s not a role he’s comfortable with. While I’m turned on by being “roughed up” a bit, he’s wayyyyy more sensual.. Recently I’ve completely stopped having sex with him, he thinks it’s because I want marriage, but it’s really because it does next to nothing for me. My arousal is short lived with him. He wants to look at my face and in my eyes, and say I love you, and moan together, but I just want to turn around get it from the back and imagine my Dom taking me… I know this seems crazy, but I’m just being honest. What keeps us together is how great of partners we are, he’d be such a great father, and when it comes to everyday things we mesh pretty well. He lets me make most decisions and I’ve grown comfortable in this role, but I really wish I could just let go…. Ok I think I’m finished with my sobb story lol, just needed to vent.
Sorry to hear that, Moe. This is a common problem, and one I’m never too happy to give advice on. The way I see it, you have two options:
Regardless, you need to fix this. The problem with #1 is that he will never be that man unless he wants to be that man, and not just do it for you, he needs to want it for himself. If he does want that, we can turn him into something great. If he doesn’t truly want to change, you can not change him.
The second option has two options in it: you either find a second man, or you dump the first to find the new. I almost never condone cheating, so my suggestion isn’t anything you’re going to like. Read my article on this site on needs versus wants. I believe it’s called “how to run a relationship”.
I’m new to this but have you suggested going to a sex therapist? Or just start with couples counciling and ask for a reference to a good sepecialist. But ultimately if he is still uncomfortable with rising to your needs then it would be best to end the relationship before you really hurt each other.
How do I show affection as dominate girl without looking submissive?
The sub I wish to own said he had a friend that would want me.. to dominate, is this because the sub I wish to own is into cuckolding? Or because he dont like me.
You will have to speak to him about that, I would just be making a wild guess. Just ask him, directly.
Great read above, Thanks for That.
Heres my saga but really you have answered most already, My prtner is seriously sub and always has been, we were together many years ago and always drawn back to eachother, were finally making a real devoted go at the relationship, Im naturally dom in the bedroom, but we both want to take it forward to a genuine sub/dom relationship, rather than just me being the manly man, if you get me? so everything above was good to read, and is very much how we both are anyway, its always been about me pleasing her,and we have no probs at all on that level.sexually we know eachother very well. but i am a little unsure how we move to the next level? i dnt lack the confidence in myself, and she trusts me 110% and knows i would never take her beyond her limits etc. so i guess my only Q is where is best to read and learn? Thanks in advance.
I have a few questions as I am a new Dom my partner on the other hand is a serious sub, that being said we have been together on an off for a little over 6 years she asked me to look into it and that’s what I have been doing and it’s appealing as I have always been dominant in and outside the bedroom although I’m not sure how to proceed I have set up rules and what not and she has agreed to them but there comes a time when we start doing bondage and quite frankly I have asked around multiple blogs to find out exactly how to tie her up without hurting her to much but to give her an idea that she is powerless so any an all help would be amazing
I’m pretty sure I’m a domme. I’m a bisexual woman. I’ve always took on the more dominant role in both my lesbian and straight relationships. With men I’ve been told I don’t know how to submit or how to let them be dominant. However, I haven’t yet found the right trusting & willing partner to explore my fantasies of kink yet. I know what I’m into and the depths I’m willing to go already because I know what arouses me & what is completely out of the question and no where near my interest of experiencing. It’s strange because as I do love to be in charge & wearing the pants with my 4inch heels a small part of me finds something slightly sexy about submission. How do I go about really finding my true self in D/s? I’ve been doing some reading & research lately and seen the internet quizzes, should I take one of those and go from the results?
You first need to accept that you don’t need to choose a roll, and stick to it. You can sub for one partner, Domme another. It’s about what’s right for you, what works for you. I would explore the Domme side first, find someone to play around with. Search on fetlife, head to a munch, and see what you enjoy. And if you ever meet someone you want to submit to, who can take away that power, enjoy that too. But you won’t really know until you step into it. Just make sure you communicate, everything, clearly up front.
I am married but Am having a bit of a long distance sub/Dom relationship. By this I mean we are texting, sexting and sending photo’s. I am very new to being a sub and actually always considered myself more dominant but I want to explore. My problem is this. My’Dom’ ignores Me most of the time,unless I’m sending photo’s and states i ask too many questions, even tho he knows this is a first for me.your article is interesting as it states that the Dom/sub relationship is a lot about the sub – unless I’ve misunderstood. However my Dom makes it all about him, all about his pleasure and what I have to do to give him it – it sounds as tho I will not receive any pleasure. He also says he cares but if I mention something I’m not happy with – like him ignoring me most of the time he tells me to stop whining. Is it just that being a sub isn’t for me? Or Am I just so new to it all? Help please!
It sounds like he isn’t taking this seriously at all. He’s getting what he wants without caring to put any effort in. I don’t think you will ever have a full, healthy, relationship with this man.
I just found out that my long-term, live-in bf has had the same sub for 4 years and had another one before that. It seems that he’s always had a wife and a sub and managed to keep the sub a secret. When we originally got together, he was always alluding to wanting to Dominate me and I liked the thought, but I was shy and vanilla. He piqued my interest though and now all I want is to be his sub, but he refuses to see me that way.
It’s like she’s his sub, and I’m the “respectable one” for his friends and family. When I try to spice things up in the bedroom, he tells me to have some respect for myself. I don’t know what to do. At first I was relieved that it’s not a normal, romantic relationship he has with her, but after reading your article, I see that his relationship with her is probably stronger than ours. And if he’ll never see me as his sub, then he’ll always need her or someone like her, and I’ll never get what I want.
I really need your advice. On how to get him to see me as his sub, or how to live with him having a sub on the side if he won’t stop seeing her. Please don’t tell me to talk to him about it. It’s his secret and he has to keep it in order to be able to look in the mirror.
I don’t have any advice you’re going to like. He seems to enjoy the dark/depraved side of sex, but is convinced it’s wrong and shameful. That’s not healthy. Regardless, the only way you have a chance to work through this is by talking about it. There is no other way I can think of.
I have an alternative perspective to Sean and its good to remember that neither may be right but be open to consider all possibilities. I find D/s culture easy and I do combine both in my primary relationship. However I do struggle at times with a conflict between making sure I am being responsible to her as a sub and also being able to meet her in a healthy way. It occurred to me that perhaps your bf does truly care about you but as Sean alluded to though he recognises his nature may not be fully comfortable with it as a healthy option in your relationship. This is probably a good thing for you at this point. You don’t need a Dom with identity issues training you. However try telling him you are interested in it. Learn all you can outside the bedroom. Don’t try to work this out in bed. You might both grow out of the experience.
Im in an online dom/sub relationship… But my thing is… Is tjat theyre r some… Well to me… Red flags goin up… I am still a bit new…anyways one of the red flags.. Is he didnt ask me for any health history.. An he says because we r not face to face… Also another red flag is that ever since we started talkin an ever since he knew i was a sub… He would automatically tell me what he wanted me to do… After awhile he started asking questions… He did tell me wat he expected from me but has harldy said anything bout himself cept hes into certain things like greek an boxing weightloss trainer but has yet to show me proof… Hes yet to show me any pics of himself but has a few of me…. Another red flag i have is that ever since he laid down the ground rules… Which was yesterday… Only talked to him for less than a week… Hes been degrading me over an over again… It seems like hes shown me no respect at all..he has yet to reward me for wat i do right or tell me ive done good…hed keep me up all night an ask me wat i expect… When i was tired an asked if i could answer him tomorrow… An kept pressin me to answer him atm…. Am i makin to much out of this or r these actual red flags i need to start considering… Because when we talk my brain just wants to shut down an not respong… I kno im a sub… But i feel somethin is wrong… Any advice?
I think you should go with your gut. Just beware, online only relationships will often be selfish/non-committed. But even so, you need to get what you need out of it for it to be worth your time.
Hi Sean. I’m recently out of a very long term relationship and while doing some soul searching I have discovered that I’m a Dom. I have always connected with women very easily and formed trusted relationships with them quickly,I also try very hard to be a gentleman. Ironically enough it’s for exactly these reasons that I used to think I wasn’t a Dom. After reading this article it’s opening my eyes a bit. The question I have for you is; what are some of the most basic techniques a good Dom should learn first in the bedroom (ropes/safety/toys), once the issue of confidence and trust is overcome. Thanks in advance.
Confidence is, by far, the most important thing. The vast majority of what I do as a BDSM coach is teach clients how to be confident as a man, and a Dom. The first things you really want to learn is theory: what are your goals? What are your tools? Why are you doing what you’re doing? You want to understand what your intended reaction is. You don’t simply hit a dub because you like to hit things. You should be striking them intending to cause a specific reaction, putting them into a specific emotional state. Your job as a Dom is emotional manipulation. But as for actual tangible things, safety should always be #1. After that it depends on your own style. A lot of people love rope, but it’s not really my bag. Toys are where I started, they’re fun and exciting. But a good Dom can be just as effective with nothing, as with all the toys in the world. It’s psychological warfare, and you’re the general.
Sort of vague, but it’s the best I have for you right now. It’s difficult to give much advice without having a conversation.
What a relief to read that you’re not really into rope. I am not either but love all the other aspects of being a Dom — full control, for her pleasure. I’m not really into toys either, but sometimes they serve an exciting purpose. I was struggling with my dislike of rope play and even wondered if it meant I’m not a “true” Dom. But that truth isn’t dependent on tools.
I never considered myself a Dominant, but I was always in control of everything, confident, and had a great sex life. About 7 years ago I started having health problems and had to go on disability. Since then things have been different. I lost my confidence, I no longer control anything in my home, and my sex life is mediocre at best. My health issues are not as bad as they were, but my confidence is so low that I have not been able to find gainful employment. My wife and I have discussed this in length, and have decided to try a D/s relationship once again. Are there any tips or advice you could give me to finding and maintaining that part of myself again? Thank you, for the article above, and for any help you can give…
This is unfortunate,but it is entirely understandable and do not worry,all hope is not lost. Communication is key in revitalizing your inner ‘Dom’. Open up to your partner about what she requires of you to be better, as well as encourage her on being very mindful and responsive to you as you both embark on further exploration into the deeper things pertaining to kink and your preferences. Keep in mind that your confidence and know how will go a long way when it comes to accurately pleasing her, but never let the allure become mundane. By staying keenly intrinsic to her needs and preferences you can decide the perfect bond of trust built on your Dominance in all matters as well as her accentuated pleasure. I hope this offers some assistance in opening up the forum for further discussion and kinky interest with your loved one.
Hiya,
I am deffinetly submissive. My boffins and I have played around with light bdsm but I want something more. I want him to REALLY take control. But I’m not 100% sure how to broach the subject with him. Any advice?
*boyfriend
Sit down with him and have a discussion. Just be sure to frame it as “here’s a bunch of fun stuff I want to try”. You don’t want him to feel like he isn’t doing enough, or isn’t good enough. Instead it’s about sharing what you want to explore, and finding out where he would like to go as well. Talk it out, and set up a scene, a plan, for moving forward. (And you could always send him in for some coaching…. with this guy ;))
I’ve never been a Dom. I’ve always had a very high respect for women and never considered hurting or degrading someone to be an act of love. That being said, I do find it erotic to watch. I am very kinky and enjoy many unconventional sexual experiences. I am in control of every aspect of my life. I own my own business and I am the boss’. After reading your article, I see this relationship a different way. My GF craves a sub. She tells me about how her past relationships were all controlling and describes them in a negative way but I know her prior man was a Dom and she still desires that dark side. I want ton please her, what ever it takes. Can a super kinky guy become a Dom or am I helpless???
Really appreciate this, Sean. Made me feel a lot more confident going forward.
Instead of a comment,, I have an important question being I am very new to being a sub. My question should be for him but I suppose I’m just wanting some insight from other…new subs. How do you tell a dom he’s not giving you the satisfaction as much as he/she is receiving from her/his pleasures/desires I believe he/she is supposed to be looking after the sub first and foremost is this not right?
I met a man who I rather like, but when it came time to become intimate he said he was a dominant. I know what that is and I’m an independent and would never be submissive in a sexual or any other way. Nor am I a dominant. That’s too much responsibility. I’m really answering my own question here, but is it a certainty that I can never meet his needs? I’m certainly adventurous in the boudoir, but have no need or desire to do a “power exchange” or form a “contract” before enjoying the pleasures of skin-on-skin contact.
Just because he says he is a dominant, doesn’t mean he is only (or even at all) interested in a power exchange. In my world, most of all my favorite subs have been independent, strong, women. For me, I’m dominant but do not expect anything but honest interactions. I would take control in the bedroom, and absolutely dominate, without forcing you to pretend to be anything you’re not. So he may be the best sex you will ever find, or he may be a shitty Dom who will balk at your strength, expecting you to play along and give control, instead of taking it.
Hello Sean Lind
I am very new to this and I need help. The girl I really care about is into this and i want to learn how to be a dom to show her how much she mean to me. I been looking online but i havent found anything that can help me understand how to be a good dom. I know me being in the military and oversea from her will make this really hard to control things however I really want to do this and I could used the help.
As a man of 22 with little experience with any one particular area or “SUB”ject Lol couldn’t help the pun. But anyway I’ve done the Polyamorous thing for a while subbed for a domme or two but find the life of Dom calling me. I’m verry new to this but thoroughly enjoy it. Just having problems being comfortable or confident in what I do. Being useto being a sub and all. So I geus that I would identify as a switch? Point being I understand that the BDSM part of the fetlife is about trust respect and compassion. But how do I relay these to my sub in a dominant manner?
Thoughts,
As an older guy, I wish I’d know more about Psyche earlier. It would change the meaning of what is “right” and “wrong”. Damn, hindsight is 20/20. I could have done more for myself and for others had I understood more sooner. No doubt though, once you have kids, it is all about them. Let’s not forget the whole reason why we are sexy to begin with… The next.
There is relatively little time for fun, and lots of time for responsibility.
Life as a bigger picture is yet another level on this. Fun is great, needs are great. The needs of the next generation are… even greater.
Your needs are.. sooner or later… the needs of your children.
Right/wrong, sooner or later your needs go by the wayside.
Kids++ or kids– is the measure in the end.
Religious or Darwinian doesn’t matter. We land all, on the same page.
What’s next…
Until we all have unlimited expiration dates, we owe everything to our children.
All this other stuff is… intermediary… and fleeting…
I disagree with you. Firstly, not everyone has, wants to have, or will have children. And more importantly, not everyone believes you need to sacrifice your own personality when you do.
Now! I’m not a Dom but I really enjoyed the article as I am getting ready to become a sub and reading different articles helps understand more….thank you!
I’m curious how do you know if you’re a sub or a dom/dome if you feel like both depending on the person you’re with?
That’s known as being a switch. You never have to choose one and stick with it, it’s up to you who and what you are, depending on who and what you’re with. The only warning is that it can be difficult to switch with a single partner. Typically people choose a roll on a per-partner basis, but it’s not a hard rule by any means.
I am a sub. I understand that my Dom is to take control in nearly all aspects of my life with him.
My problem is, I feel he forces oral sex on me. I have explained to him that I do not like giving him oral sex all the time. His response is, “you do what I say, and this can work”.
I thought his role as a Dom was to push my limits through mutual respect and communication.
I only want to please my Dom, but I do not like being forced into oral sex every single time. Am I doing something wrong?
I was sent this article from my “Master” after I informed him I am submissive not a salve. Suddenly, he informs me that he is a “Dom” hmmm, well after reading the article I clearly disagree with him. We have been together seeing each other not together in the same home for about 5 years About a year ago he moved to another state for a new job. We have continued to see each other as often as we can.
In the beginning he was a very attentive man, he couldn’t wait to see me, hold me. Tell me over and over how beautiful I am and how lucky he was to have me. I was “Babygirl” to him. Our sex life has always been amazing and still is. I begain calling him “Master” When we decided to spice up our sex. I have always loved the feeling of giving up control to him bc I am a very independent women and allowing someone else to have the control is refreshing. After reading this article I realize it takes a special kind of man who is willing to accept responsibility for his sub well being and that means to me being attentive to her needs. I quickly began realizing that my guy does not meet the criteria to call himself a Dom. He has become very self centered to his own needs and desires these days. He no longer adores me as he once did and yet becomes annoyed when I call him out on it. I suspect he is seeking out other subs and although I have remained loyal I wonder if a sub can remain in this type of relationship for only the sex purposes and crush the feelings of needing the emotional connect, unlikely I suppose
Our communication consist of hours of topics of sex. I am fighting an illness at this time and he has no interest of knowing about it. Or anything else of importance in my life. He contends that I belong to him and yet offers no comfort or support to me. How do u tell a wanna be “Dom” that he does not deserve the title?
My wife and I of fifteen years found that something was lacking in the bedroom. We had tried toys and even threesomes but still it seemed to dull until she found her submissive side. Normally, I am a vanilla person or so I thought. After reading your words, I want to learn more and become her dom and her my sub. Your suggestion on rules and procedures are where I am going to start. We have kids so I agree that the rules and procedures must not cause a conflict. As a first time dom, what else can I do because after reading your site, I want to do this more and more.
Well now, this article spoke to me. Thank you. I have always had the need to please a woman,provide security and pleasure beyond anything she has ever experienced before. I will definitely look into your coaching. Again, thank you for a well written and insightful article.
Hello Sir,
I am very new to the D/S relationship. This past summer I met a man that awakened a world of kink to me. He is absolutely the best lover I have ever had!
I am 34 and I was married for almost 13 yrs and never experienced the things we did. During this relationship my devotion for him grew more. I trust him with my very life. I tried to explain to him that I had feelings for him but didn’t desire a romantic relationship as neither of our day to day lifestyles would allow it. I don’t think he understood and to be honest I didn’t even understand but the more I have educated myself on BDSM lifestyle the more I realize I am a sub and whole heartedly desire a Dom. More specifically I desire him to be my Dom. We have continued to sporadically see one another but during this time he has found a girlfriend. That is not an issue with me and he has still continued to see me on the side from time to time while he has his relationship with her so I would say it’s not an issue for him either. But, I need more. I told him I want him to be my Dom bc I really feel like we’ve “played” the role enough and laid down some really good ground work for this type of relationship. I grew so impatient with him only calling me when he wanted to do kink that I went on a search to find a Dom.
I met this gentleman online who said he has been a Dom for years. I arranged to meet him and then he told me that we would meet at his house not in public, that was a huge risk I know! Which it turned out to be ok but I look back and have no idea what I was thinking!
I suppose I am just so desperate for a Dom that I didn’t consider the risk. This gentleman made me feel comfortable in every way but only one thing startled me and made me draw in a bit so I wasn’t able to be at my best. Now, I believe he was “testing” me teaching me how to use a safe word bc he told me to go get a knife. I said no and he said what if I would go get one right now. I asked him what will you do with it? He said anything I want. I said please sir don’t do it. He replied that is not going to stop me. So then I said “Red” and he said good girl. It was thrilling! Exhilarating and it makes me want to serve him more, now that I’m safe and ok lol! BUT, there is still the man that I met last summer that I would serve in an instant if he asked me to. I asked him what exactly did he want with me and his reply was “I want you to be my cum whore.” I am so much more than that. He doesn’t respect me much but I think it’s bc I have allowed this type of behavior and if he was my Dom he could call me his cum whore or whatever else he wanted. I don’t think he understands the gift I am trying to offer him. I feel guilty bc I want to serve this new Dom but I’m scared bc I’ve already developed so much trust in this other man that has amazing potential to be a Dom. I have asked him to please educate himself on it and please get back to me if this is something he is willing to enter into with me. I told him I could not see him again if his answer is no.
Am I experiencing what they call “frenzy”? I am not sure what to do or if I am going about all of this in the right way. Should I walk away from the man and put my trust in this Dom? And what if he’s not really a Dom and was just pretending to be to get me in his bed? I don’t think he was but I’m also a bit naïve about somethings and I’ve only just realized I am a sub.
I loved this article and I would appreciate any advice you can give me. Thank you, Sir.
I was in a relationship a Dom, although he never explained he was or his needs just hinted & trained, often withdrawing for weeks at a time as excruciating punishment. Potentially seeing others too but refused to discuss, as if that was not needed? Our relationship helped me clarify my needs, as I had always been very very selective so few ex’s etc. Subconsciously choosing dominant men, clearly still struggling with the cross over with abusive. Do you think? Do you believe this was abusive, never discussing so I feel I had no chance? Apparently his ex wife feel in to the role at 21, naturally. Again unkind to compare I think, but at least some communication. So hard a year on to move on, I know I can take my pick but I loved him. I’d really appreciate your thoughts. He kept texting through hard times after we split, family deaths etc then I asked him to leave me alone as I kept saying if you want to see me etc and he never did so I felt I was being abused, again.
I’m a Sub, for nearly 6 years. I’ve been married for nearly 2 years. My husband is trying to be what I NEED. It’s just frustrating, I’m not sure how to teach him. I’ve never had to teach anyone.
Absolute clear communication, trust, and both parties getting what they need are crucial to a healthy BDSM relationship. It doesn’t sound like this guy has any interest in having that.
Ive been married 5 years my wife is submissive in mostly everything in our lives . Now when it comes to sex she is completely submissive and has given me full control of her yet we both have expressed wanting to use tie ups and cuffs nd she has expressed full blindfolded domination but as dominant as i am it feels awkward the moment toys or cuffs come into play I really have trouble actually bringing out the items at that
Moment yet i can have her in her position without tieing her nd have her hands behind her back with no cuffs and she wont move them, any advice on why its so difficult for me to use the blindfold nd ties???
Great articles very helpful!
Most men who are in a vanilla relationship they are trying to turn more kinky have very similar problems. It comes from you feeling the need to show your wife respect, to protect her, to keep her from harm. You need to change your perspective and understand that you are doing these things, for her. It’s a gift to her, to give her what she craves. Ignore any insecurity, ignore any fears of “I don’t know what I’m doing” or “this is goofy”. Play the part, and her let her overwhelmingly positive reactions embolden and inspire you.
Giver her what she wants, because it’s the best thing you could do for her. That’s the only reason you need to understand.
After reading this article, which I did to become a better Dom, I am happy that there are articles like this. Whoever said that life doesn’t have a handbook, never did research! Thank you for your article.i read many of the posts and they are very helpful,also. Keep on posting! Everyone should read this, it just shows that we all need to communicate more and be honest, not only with others, but ourselves.g good day to all,and peace😎
Thank you very much. Comments like this keep me writing.
Great post, and interesting comments.
Here’s where I’m at in the journey. Judge me if you will; I’ve had people shoot at me when they disagreed in the past. Your petty moral pontifications pale in comparison.
My wife & I of almost 30 years have had our ups & downs, many of the ups involving minor B&D, but no true dom/sub play. She’s a large, extremely breasted (currently K-cup, but larger when nursing) woman, with the girls being the focus of most of my tying/clamping/forced-milking/bruising attention. For years the sex was creative, loving, often violent and satisfying for the both of us.
Not being overly dominant at home, I do call the shots when it truly matters, giving her freedom to deal with petty affairs, but over the years she’s become more and more bitter, and less & less sexual. I travel extensively, and she shows no interest in joining, which provides ample opportunity to play, although discretion dictates little true dalliance.
Lately, however, I’ve been entertaining a woman who is aching for control. As a former exotic entertainer and now a well respected professional (doctor/lawyer/engineer-ish professional), her desires to become the subject of dominant attention, rather than merely the object of desire beyind the reach of most, have presented themselves to me, and I’m taking us down the path of (occasionally long-distance) master/slave oneness.
She has intimidated men all of her life, with a very limited number approaching her or meeting her expectations, resulting in a sexualy frustrated but devastatingly beautiful woman. This, as I’ve learned, is very often the case with attractive women. Their confidence, power and beauty intimidates most except the arrogant, shallow, misogynistic narccisists she rightly loathes.
After only one night in bed, demonstrating that I truly care about her pleasure and well being while gently exploring where her limits may be, I began to shift to being more foreful with good results – keeping a firm hand telling her “no” when she tries to directly take things into her own hands, pushing her harder and praising her for being a “good girl” when she gets just a little more down her throat or takes a harder twist to the nipples or blow to her cheeks. Now she is orgasming only when I desire and allow it, while I remain cool and calculating, either while fucking, holding her down and applying the stimulation with toys, or telling her how ot masturbate while I study intenty.
She has taken to recounting to me the looks of boys that ogle her on the beach as she’s running or biking, or erotically working the straw of a fruity drink in a bar, then getting up to leave as someone with more confidence starts to approach. She knows that I’ll permit it at some point, and will not risk disappointing me by failing to present herself as a bitch-slut, or acting on it beyond what I’ve instructed.
Latey I’ve slowly guided her how to tease others, and then to describe their feeble attempts and responses, as she succumbs to me. Soon I will instruct her to invite another into our hotel room (never her house – that’s sacrosanct), and watch as she is permitted to please them according to a script that I direct. She wants to be told, permitted to do the things that she craves, but I’ve learned that to truly value the permission to act, she must be denied more than allowed.
We’ve discussed ropework and other “assisted” bondage, but not yet engaged. In many ways, I find it an even more sincere display of submission when I direct her into a contorted position, and have her maintain that without ropes as I abuse and pleasure her.
The toy collection is starting to grow, all shipped to and stored at her house, and I’ve provided clear guidance on how to use them and become accustomed to the new sensations before I arrive (in particular, the three nipple/clit suckers are being used regularly, ensuring an easier target for me to engage). In this way, there are fewer doubts about what she can expect when I am present and increase the pressure, tension, forcefulness or duration of my attentions, at least not yet. As the trust builds to complete submission, and her dependence, there will be more surprises.
The journey continues, with mild-mannerred Clark Kent coming home to a home nearly devoid of passion while Lois Lane, thousands of miles away, aches for the approval, pleasure and sharp stinging pain that her Superman will bring the next time.
ohh God!! gasp
I was married for over eight years to a “people pleaser”, with him for 13. I causally started dating a man almost two years ago. VERY MUCH a GENTLEMAN. Amazing to EVERYONE. Looks down on NO ONE! We became intimate. He’s a natural Dom. Controlling but considerate. He pushed me a bit at first but backed off when I was uncomfortable. About a year and a half in I realized that I loved him. Above all, I wanted to make him happy. I started to stretch and bend to please him and found a since of bliss that had been missing in my life. He relished it! I will never go back. I cannot even surmount the joy I feel when he orders my food or pulls me up the stairs by my hair. He’d NEVER even grab my toosh in public. We met, not as a D/S pair, but just as guy meets girl. I feel incredibly fortunate. Especially after reading this blog because I see how rare this is. Being a sub has truly set me free. I had to trust him implicitly before I could let go. Now, he’s my one and only.
Hello I am a dom and I’ve known this for a long time my mother is a leader/1of few founders of some BDSM community thing we’re I live it’s not vary active cuz most people here are to scared to come.
That being said I have learned some stuff from her explaining my question but my relationship has taken me further than I’ve been my girlfriend wants me to do things I’m willing to do but not sure how to go about doing them like she wants me to taker her when I want and punish her really hard I’ve never done this so some times I’m shy about it because I don’t want to hurt her so I’m looking for advice on how to be a better dom and how to gain confidence in what I’m doing. anything will help. And thanks for the article I really enjoyed it
I came across your article accidentally but am very impressed. You did a great job describing some of the true intricacies of the D/s relationship. It’s always great to read a well-written article from a respectful, knowledgeable gentleman. Your sub(s) are very fortunate (and you probably are, as well, for their trust in you). Peace!
Thank you kindly!
I’m a young man who is entering his first real D/s relationship, though honestly I’ve always been a dom, it’s always come very naturally for me to control my woman, but never to this level before. My sub is older and trained. I want to be a good dom to her with also getting the respect and control I need to be fulfilled. I understand the responsibility in I’m taking on in this roll, and I want to be loving and caring but at the same time firm and authoritarian. I’m having a hard time finding how to tow the line. My sub wants me to be in control in every aspect of her life and I just dont want to get this wrong…any advice would be welcomed, ty.
This is purely a confidence issue. Spend some time writing out ideas, plans, thoughts. Figure out what approach you want to take, and move forward with vigor. Don’t try to go big, start small, with things you know you can easily manage and control, and grow and adapt from there.
Hey,
So i am a inexperienced submissive who has recently started seeing someone who is very open-minded. We are very open and honest with each other about our desires and needs. I do not wish to be fully submissive,only in sex. I like to be spanked he likes to spank.I like to be chocked,tied up, and told what to do he enjoys doing these things to me. Im not sure if he qualifys as dominant but i would think he does considering he doesnt want to experience these things done to him but enjoys doing them. We are both new to this, but i feel we naturally desire to be in these roles. he listens when things have gone to far and comforts me immediately after . I completely trust him. I guess im just not sure if we actually qualify as submissive and dominant?
Of course you are, you do. No one gets to tell you what you are or aren’t. In sex, you enjoy submitting to his dominance. Sounds like he’s a pretty decent guy.
My wife wants me to take controll but im scared to i dont want it get out of controll never had the chance to dom but always liked to be in controll help please
You just need to be have a very honest and detailed discussion with her about limits and expectations. Make sure you know what is not okay, under any circumstances, and then make sure she knows that she can say a safeword, like “yellow” if what you’re doing isn’t something she wants, and you will just move away/on, no harm no foul. She, and you, need to understand that at some point you may do something she doesn’t like, but that’s okay as long as she either uses her safeword, or if it’s not a big deal to her, tells you after she doesn’t want it again. If you can trust her in this, then you don’t have to worry about getting out of control, as you should be halted long before you get that far. Just be sure to ramp up. You start slow and gradually increase intensity, so she has a chance to head you off before going too far. Don’t just start at the most extreme, and don’t do anything which could end in a terrible accident. Plan for the worst, be prepared, be safe.
Hi Sean I am a 19 almost 20 year old who’s already married and has a 3 month old baby boy. I have been with my husband for 2 years on Christmas. And I have always been intrigued by the dom/sub or as I call it master and pet as I like to literally act as a dog. I have been interested since I first read about it. Especially with the whole 50 shades of grey. I am the type of women who loves to simply be dominated in such a way that I have absolutely no control. My husband just started trying to do this and even after he read your article he still doesn’t fully understand. He understands more than he did but he still doesn’t. He’s finally trying to give me not only what I want but what I need. I need to be controlled. He wants me to be my own person. But he doesn’t understand being controlled is who I am. Is there any other way you could help me try with him? And I have always been a submissive person and I feel I’m a good pet but do you have any tips for me to be a better submissive?
The best advice I have is to have a lot of good, honest, conversations. For you, you want to let him know when he does things you like, encourage him to take more of the control you want him to have. It’s about making him feel, not only comfortable, but excited by treating you how you most want to be treated. If he feels as though he is being disrespectful, it will cause him to pull back. Reinforce good behavior, and encourage him to grow with you.
Helpful suggestions , I loved the info – Does someone know if my company could grab a sample seekers BSDM Checklist document to type on ?
Hi I am submissive and I’m a little confused about a situation I am in. I’m currently in a d/s relationship. I was chatting with my Dom for sometime when I realised he was married something he did mention but I completely forgot as he barely spoke about it. From the beginning he always said that we would never be a couple as in official but he noticed that I lacked confidence and wasn’t truely being who I was….he seems to know exactly what I need and want without me telling him which is frustrating!! He said he wants to give me the confidence to be the best sub I can be and after he will find someone who will treat me with respect and love I deserve….I have fallen for him deeply…we have met a few times but I have refused to sleep with him because I can’t get out my head is he using me to get the satisfaction and kicks out of me that he can’t get at home…and also I’m scared of breaking a home…I don’t know whether a true Dom also can have a wife…or is this”Dom” just trying to use my submissive nature to his advantage?
This could go either way. The only way you will find out is by having conversations with him. It’s absolutely possible to be a great Dom, to a woman other than your wife. But I have no way of knowing what his situation is, and the communication he has with everyone involved. As for what he wants, it sounds to me (and again, I don’t have all the info, so talk to him) like he wants to have fun with you, teach you some things, and when your time has run out, send you on your way more prepared to know what you need and how to find it. I just suggest you avoid falling in love, as it sounds like doing so will work out poorly for you, as you will never have the primary relationship you would want.
If its all about her,whats in it for us? We get nothing. Its all for the sub.
I could (but won’t) roll out a photo gallery of stunning women, along with a list of all the things we have done together which other men simply dream of. I have had more threesomes (and more) than I can keep track of, and have had experiences to the point of not being able to share with other men in “locker room talk”, as they simply assume I’m lying. I’ve made more strong connections and friendships than I ever imagined possible and have grown as a man and a partner greatly.
If that’s nothing to you, then I’m not sure what to tell you, buddy.
Okay, in my everyday life I have a dominant personality, but when it comes to closed doors all I want is to be dominated. The problem is, my other half doesn’t like the whole sub dom relationship because he thinks that it has to be complete true dominantsy or nada, i’ve tried showing him the in between ways and what not but he still isn’t listening. Is there any way I can show him in a way he will understand, or any books that may help?
I obviously don’t have enough information to be sure about this, but my initial guess is his explanation is a cop out. He’s likely intimidated by the idea of something new, and worried about failing to dominate such a strong woman, and what that would do to his ego. Even the strongest men have fear, anxiety, and often weak ego. It’s part of the human experience. How you can solve this is going to be up to you, I assume you would know best.
My work colleague accessed a template seekers BSDM Checklist form at this site
https://goo.gl/Zif4cCYeah, there are lots of these. I share a long excel one with clients who take coaching sessions. They’re great.
Hello. I have a question.
My wife and I have been together / married for about years now and we have an excellent relationship. The only thing lacking in this is our sex life is slightly vanilla, one could say.
The discussion on what might spice it up led to this subject, and we have been considering going to this lifestyle, but there are a few possible caveats to this.
First, I have never experimented or experienced this kind of lifestyle, or even “having fun” playing around at all, so I’m VERY inexperienced in the nature of this whole thing.
Second, she has had a relationship before where she was a sub but was taken advantage of in the experience, and was nearly broken but the entire thing. It wasn’t until she met someone much later who showed her that she was abused and violated by her previous dom, and taught her what the true nature was of the sub/dom dynamic, that she knew it was supposed to be different. She now has reservations in possibly doing this with me, but only because we have such a great relationship, and she doesn’t want to possibly ruin that, if things go wrong.
And third and lastly, more of a note here, we already ave a bit of the sub/dom dynamic in our daily lives, which is to say she’s very submissive, and I’m a very dominate personality, but more “born in the wrong era”, so to speak, in which I’m a gentleman above all and show her the respect she deserves, as she does with me as well, being the man and dominate figure in the house.
SO…. my question is, where would you suggest we start (on our/my own)? I ask as I don’t believe it would be prudent to have my sub teaching me on how to be a dom, and could possibly derail the entire thing before it starts, but I also don’t have the experience required, and don’t want to “fake it till I make it”, in a manner of speaking.
Basically, I don’t want to ask her what we should do – I want to know already, and basically tell her, as I’m sure it should be.
Thanks for the help in advance!
So first of all, it going wrong shouldn’t be a worry. If you have read my articles, and are true as you say, you will do everything out of respect and the quest of giving her the most joy and pleasure possible. If that is your only goal, when things don’t go right they aren’t bad, just not great. As for what to do, I would have a good long talk with her. Not about what you should do, and how you should do it, but what she wants to get from this kind of play. What are her fantasies, what makes her want to drip and beg? Find out what she craves, then it’s on you to craft a scene for her which gives her that.
ok heres one for you…. i have been with my husband for 6 years married for 2 all of my past relationships have been slightly D/s to a point. i told my husband almost immediately that i was a sub and he seemed into it.. we play D/s when we have sex, bondage, taking orders ect… i eventually told him that i would like to make it 24/7 and he seemed into that too.. i know your thinking ok wheres the problem… the problem is this, hes not a reader he wont do any research or make lists or any of the things that doms usually do. we are not currently doing the 24/7 thing but i really want to i almost need it but he only seems to do it when he feels like it… also i have become bad at being a sub because he wont punish me. i push limits and he lets it slide.. there is nothing to try for and at this point its starting to feel like just kinky sex which is great and all but i need a more disciplined D/s relationship i have given him all the ideas that i am comfortable giving i am a sub and dont like feeling like im telling him what to do… leaving him for a new dom is not an option i would rather have boring sex the rest of my life than live with out him…. what can i do 🙁
Another thing you can do to get inside your sub’s head is to get her to write to you in between the times she is seeing you. Get her to write about your last session together and all her thoughts and feelings on it. Get her to write out a scene that would be an ideal fantasy of you two together. I’m much more honest when I write 🙂
Another wonderful comment. Thank you, Miss K.
Exactly right. Even if you do not have a full-time romantic relationship with a sub, as some don’t (weekend-only), you must treat her with love. Every word, every action, must ensure in her mind that you are doing everything out of the willingness to meet her needs, out of love. The more she knows that, the more her limits will be fluid, and the more she can enjoy (this being the only acceptable result of any scene – that both you and she enjoy it). If you do anything primarily because you like it, then you are wrong Of course, you should like it too, or you have the wrong sub. For instance, if a sub has a real need to be scarred, but you hate the thought of leaving permanent marks, you need to look very hard at the both of you, and your relationship. Talk, talk, talk, agree, agree, agree, then act. If you think that this agreement takes away your authority, then you have forgotten where you get it from in the first place. An ethical Dom should be ashamed if a sub has to use a safe word, especially (in a two-tier system) the ‘red’ level. Once the boundaries have been established, *then* it’s “Everything in here (inside the limits) belongs to me” time, and may you both have every pleasure you can handle.
What happens if your a women who wants to be both, and flip the rules. I mean I’m a very independent women who loves being dominated but at the same time I love to be the dom.. I just realized that I like both , so how do I go on being a sub and a dom?
What happens if your a women who wants to be both, and flip the rules. I mean I’m a very independent women who loves being dominated but at the same time I love to be the dom.. I just realized that I like both , so how do I go on being a sub and a dom?
I need some advice on a relationship issue with an ex and her partner.
I also have a similar problem.
Ok so I need some help just starting out with the d/s the woman I’m starting this with is a bit older than me and more experienced I just need some pointers and advice because I really am trying to be the best I can be for her and myself any tips would be appreciated
Hello your articles was very helpful i have known for almost 5 years that i am a sub but i have only recently started exploring the bdsm scene i dont know a lot but i do a lot of research on it i know what kind of a sub i am and what i am looking for my partner has been very supportive in me finding out how far i want to go but he was a virgin until me and i worry that even tho he is willing to learn and truly seems to like the ideals and way of doing things and even being dominate with me i worry he may not be able to fully commit simply bcuz i am one of those subs where behind closed doors i want u to ravage me and teach me whose boss and let me relinquish control and i have to have control over my life with pretty much everything i believe thats why i am sub to not have to worry about things behind closed doors and to simply let go but i worry he cant fully commit bcuz i think he dose not know how to iv sent him links and just sent him this one how do i know if my partner is how do i say it cut out for this lifestyle
No one can answer if your partner is right for you. Is it likely a man, in his first ever sexual relationship, will be a strong Dom? Definitely not (sex is hard for men, it takes work to be good at it). But that’s speculation, and he might be exactly what you need. It’s up to you, just be sure to act with honesty, and communicate clearly.
Can someone help me out with this. I’m somewhat new to being a submissive. I have a dom who says he has no rules. He never really commands anything which is a turn off for me. Our sex play is good he’s very dominating in bed but that’s about it. He always asks me where I want to meet him or can he do certain things to me that he’s already done before and so on. I hate making decisions. Sometimes I’ll ignore his texts on purpose just to see if I can get a rise out of him but sadly nothing. Any suggestions?
Well I am kinda new to this bdsm kink even though I’ve been interested in for a long time.
My girlfriend is a complete sub, and I am the only Dom she has ever been with, same goes for me. She says I am doing really great but I’d really like to do better. I feel like I can do better for her.
Since I am just a first year student I only bought ropes and a beautiful gag ball (I really like this) but I am afraid that I am doing the same thing every time. Do anyone has suggestions? I’m not into role play yet, I tried but none of us actually liked it (maybe later).
I feel really sad btw seeing random dudes playing the Dom without dominating their sub. I really wish women could find real and good Dom.
I am not new to this lifestyle – with 20+ years of experience and I am shocked at the following statement: “A true Dom will degrade a sub, because he respects them. A Dom sadist will hurt a sub, because he loves them. At no point is it about anger, hate, or disgust.”
A true dom will not degrade his sub, nor will he do it because he respects them. And we wonder what is wrong with our community these days. Smh
Degradation is one of the fundamental kinks. Have you never had a sub enjoy talking dirty before? I don’t think you understand the word fully.
I am new in this world but intrigued, but struggling with concept of punishment in d/s relationships. Many articles assume it IS necessary, some say it is not. I understand that you can try to find what you want I guess, but I am trying understand why when people demand (dom) / accept (sub) it in a relationship that they do so. Not “play” punishment but when I read about some doms who insist on right to physically punish and subs who accept.
Does real punishment only come in in a permanent dynamic 24/7, or even for a sexual-only dynamic?
My question is WHY do subs accept allowing themselves to be punished if by definition it is seriously unpleasant? Another article suggested sex is so good by being with a Dom that it is worth it, so I am not sure if that is a devil’s bargain and maybe not really consensual/desired but they just have to tolerate it. Or do subs really WANT to be punished (not “fun”ished) because it lets them feel more controlled, or atoned for it they “screw up” accidentally? Or to force themselves to improve themselves in some way (sub-wise or in general in life?)
I keep reading that submission is a gift, most subs WANT to and TRY to do right, so why is REAL punishment part of the dynamic for presumably an accidental lapse? After all, a non-sub isn’t in this relationship in the first place, so a sub is at least hopefully serious about obeying…
I mean, do people accept punishment (even if serious) for fun but just safeword it out too painful, or is safeword considered whimping out during a real punishment unless a true emergency? This area of actual punishment and acceptance of it makes me nervous to approach BDSM and I would really like to understand more about why Doms demand the right and subs accept it to get a real flavor of whether I feel comfortable with the broad aspects of this lifestyle and where I might fit in.. Maybe it makes both feel “hotter” / more real, or maybe just tolerated… Thoughts please?? I really want to understand…
My question is how to truly introduce your man into the idea of being a dom? In currently with a man who I have a child with and I love him but I am having such a hard time Exspecially as time is going on and not being able to truly be a sub, I had a dom in the past and loved every min of it sadly with moving and such things didn’t work but we still talk but seems since I’ve had that nothing compares and not sure how to deal with it … At the point of being desperate of any ideas, I need to know I’m giving what he wants, I need the ass smacks, the hair pulling, the hand cuffs, the being 100% at his mercy, the being able to completely please and the punishments if i miss behave…. Not having this has put me more in the brat category instead of sub and I don’t like this behavior yet I keep catching my self being this way so please any ideas would be greatly appreciated!
How can I become a member?
I stopped reading after I saw that the doms are in control. They really aren’t. The dom is to tend to the desires of their sub, as the subs are the ones in control – they make the shots. You want to fulfill what they want in YOUR dominant style. If they ask for you to do whatever, they’re STILL in control, as they gave you the orders to do whatever to them.
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I would like to know more about becoming a dom this is my first time trying my this my wife is a sub and we are trying new things and I’m working on being more dominant in are sex life she like bdsm and has very high desirable sex life extreme bdsm kinks and I’m trying to for fill my wife’s dreams and desires I need help to save my marriage I need tips and advise my email is plz help me out ASAP
Hello,
I’ve been in a sub/Dom relationship as of June 2018. This is my first experience in this lifestyle and up until recently I was okay with every aspect of it. My Dom was firm but always in control of his temper. However, a few days ago he was out helping his sister move and was going to have dinner with her. After I exercised in his home gym I texted him and asked if I could go ahead and take a shower (the rule is not to bath or shower without his permission). He told me I had to wait until he got home. Long story short, I decided to take a shower anyway. The problem was that his sister had canceled their dinner plans and he’d picked up some food for us on his way home. As a matter of fact, when I texted him he was already halfway home, but failed to tell me. He walked in on me while in the shower, ripped the shower curtain aside and ordered me to turn the water off. He asked me what I was thinking disobeying him. I was so caught off guard to see him standing there that I couldn’t speak. He ordered me to put the cold water on and finish my shower with cold water. When I was done, he refused to let me dry off and ordered me to stand in the corner of his bathroom until I was dry (including my hair) which took more than four hours. When he went to bed around 2am or so I decided to sit down on the floor. He walked in a few minutes later to tell me I could go to bed, but since I had sat down on the floor he told me I was on a roll and needed a more severe punishment. He whipped me with his leather belt 17 times on my bare butt. I couldn’t say the safeword because he put a ball gag on me. My butt is covered in bruises and I can’t sit down without feeling the soreness. Anyway, he’s at work now and I’m thinking of packing my stuff and leaving. I thought I’d be okay living this lifestyle, but I’m not so sure anymore. I find his punishments in the past few days have crossed a line and I’m afraid how far he might go next time. Any advice?
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