Did your girl ask you to dominate her, but you fear you’re going to hurt her, or don’t know where to start?
This is, bar none, the most common reason men will seek out advice and coaching for BDSM. To one degree or another, the majority of women in the world are sexually submissive. The ones who crave to be dominated will at some point tell their man it’s what they want. They may say it in little hints, asking you to tie them up or choke them. They may come right out and say they want you to dominate them, force them to serve, and please you, as your sub.
Some men will tie up their girl, thinking that’s what they wanted, and maybe crank up the dirty talk. Other’s won’t even get that far. But just being tied to the bed is not what she needs or wants, she needs you to dominate her, emotionally and physically.
It’s a Lot Like Roleplay
If you’re anything like me, I’ve never really gotten too excited about the idea of roleplay. I have a hard time enjoying myself if I’m too busy pretending to be something else. But the principles of a Dominant/Submissive power dynamic are still based in the same ideals.
A good BDSM D/s scene is the beautiful contrast of reality and perception.
The reality: without any caveats, the reality of almost any D/s scene is the understanding that the submissive has the ultimate power and control. She gets to choose to give up her control to you, she has the power and ability to stop a scene if it’s not what she wants (this is where safe words come into play), and every choice you make as a Dom is made to be the best possible positive choice for her, your dynamic, and your relationship.
In other words, it’s a healthy relationship in which both of you are working together towards the same goal. It’s a relationship based on trust and respect.
The Perception: This is what I commonly refer to as the frame. The frame we build, the scene we set, is the exact opposite of the reality. This is where the overlap with roleplay begins. While you are acting as yourself, the frame you build is that of you holding utter, ultimate, control. It’s about using her as a toy to please you. The frame puts you above her in all aspects, physically and emotionally.
Obviously it’s only possible to achieve this level of power-exchange on a constant healthy level if both of these things are in balance. If you make the scenes and choices purely about you, your desires as a Dom, then you are walking a dangerous road to failure.
You’re Afraid of Hurting Her
Most men balk at the idea of hitting, slapping, choking, ragdolling their woman for fear of hurting them. If this is you, congratulate yourself. Causing pain, fear, anxiety, and distress to someone you love goes against everything you should hold dear. And this is the way it should always be, for the reality. It’s your job as a man, a Dom, and a partner to protect and encourage your woman.
She doesn’t want a nice man.
But when it comes to the frame, the rules of reality no longer apply. When a woman asks, or begs, you to hurt her, or choke her, or pull her hair, then the best choice you can make, for her, is to give her what she desires in that scene. The line you have to walk is giving her enough punishment to sate, without causing any serious, lasting harm.
Where this line is drawn will be different for every person, in every relationship. Many girls don’t want to be bruised or marked in any way. Some want nothing more than to feel sore for weeks to come. It’s up to you to make sure you are following the two rules of sadism in BDSM:
- No matter what she thinks, or says, she wants, it’s your job to know when to say no. If a woman asks you to punch her in the face and leave her with a black eye (this is an extreme example), chances are she’s caught up in the moment, and giving in to this request would negatively affect her life (and possibly yours) in the days to follow. It’s never okay to cause lasting future harm for current gratification.
It has to be about her, always. - The second rule is the only way to understand the line between kinky sex play, and domestic abuse. If you slap your woman because nothing you could do would turn her on more in the moment, then you are making a great choice. If you hit your woman because you’re upset, and are blowing off steam, that is abuse, pure and simple.
Despite being the Dom and being in control, you never get to give in to your own emotions, and act purely on your own desires. Playing with a sub is not about you, it’s about her. It’s about giving her what she needs, and having the strength to take it as far as you need, and no farther.
Humans Are Tough Animals
All men are capable of terrifying destructive power. All men are capable of killing another human with their bare hands. All men have the ability to take a scene too-far, and cause serious trauma. This is why all men fear hurting their subs.
What you need to understand is that the human body is incredibly resilient. With just a few pointers, it’s easy to avoid ever going too far hurting someone, without having to whimp out, and not give her the punishment she craves.
- Start low and slow, and ramp up. If you don’t know how aggressive you need to be, start low and slowly increase the intensity until you reach the desired level.
- Choose your spots carefully. The fleshy part of the ass can take an incredible amount of punishment, but skin over bone can not. You should never be hitting someone on the spine, the back of the head, the eyes. You should never be using a solid, hard, toy on ribs. The goal is to punish her, not to destroy her.
- It’s better, and safer, to increase duration rather than intensity. If you want to spank your woman until she cries, you don’t need to start swinging as hard as you can. Instead you can just find a good solid slap, and continue until the pain grows unbearable. The more you spank the same spot, the more it’s going to hurt. By the end you can be swinging softer than you were in the middle, but causing twice as much agony.
- You want to be smooth. When you’re pulling hair, you’re grabbing it near the base, and applying smooth constant pressure. Healthy hair can support the entire weight of a human body, but any jerking or twisting can have terrible results. Smooth and constant.
- Never use any toys on the face. Be careful with slapping the face as well, it’s very easy to miss, hitting cheekbones, jaws, or eyes. In addition a face-slap has far more of an emotional reaction than you may expect. Sometimes it will be negative, others positive.
Safe Words Will Set You Free
Finally, you want to embrace the glory of safe words. The standard safe words are ‘yellow’ and ‘red’.
Yellow: This means she’s reaching the end of her rope, no longer enjoying this particular sensation, and doesn’t want it to continue.
When you get a yellow, it’s your job to understand exactly why she safe-worded, and then move on with the scene. Always choose something contrasting to move to. If you’re beating on her ass and she says yellow, start giving her pleasure instead. Reward your subs for saying yellow, if they feel they need to say it, then it’s important you hear it.
Asses can take tremendous punishment.
Red: This is the vanilla equivalent of ‘No’ ‘Stop’ and ‘Don’t’. A scene ends on red, always.
Chances are, if you’re being a responsible Dom, you will never hear red spoken. But there are situations where it will happen, especially if your sub suffers from anxiety or panic attacks. If you get a red, the only thing left to do is have an honest discussion, and provide the amount of comfort she needs. You should never continue a scene after hearing red, and you should probably never consider starting again that same night. Take red very seriously.
If you use these safewords, you can relax knowing they’re your safety net. If your woman askes you to spank her, and once you start she starts to cry and say “no, it hurts, no more, stop” the reality says it’s time to stop, you’ve gone too far. But the frame is different, for many women this is the sexiest part, being forced to take it after it stops being fun, being spanked past the point of tears and sobs.
If you trust your sub, and are confident she knows and will use the safewords if she needs them, then her saying “no more, stop, it hurts” is part of the scene. If she actually needs you to stop, she will say yellow. This means what you are doing is correct, you’re hurting her as much as she needs to be hurt at this time.
As with anything in BDSM, everything you have read here is contingent on an extremely large amount of trust and communication with your partner. If she wants to use a safeword, but doesn’t out of fear, that’s a very big problem. If you don’t have complete trust between the two of you, you should not be pushing any limits in BDSM, in any way.
Don’t Forget About the Law
The final note is this: everything I have talked about in this article is illegal.
It doesn’t matter if she asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you fill out a contract, explicitly stating exactly what she wants from you. In North America physically attacking another human is illegal. There is no form of consent which can usurp a law.
Let me be perfectly clear: it is absolutely possible for a woman to ask you to beat her, enjoy every second of it, thank you when you are done, and then go to the police and charge you with criminal assault.
For this reason you need to be careful to never play with anyone you don’t fully trust.
Very educational, helpful, and well written.
My ex partner was great at communicating when she wanted more intensity with impact play. It was always 5x more that what I thought she could take. Women are tough creatures but starting slow and working up is important advice. Great Article.
my partner and I are new to the whole bdsm and D/s. I’m a bit of a sadis and right now I’m a soft sadis, but I’m trying to figure out how to take charge for our first scene and first time! we’ve been together in a relationship for almost 4 yrs. and she has been my sub pretty much this whole time and didn’t even know it! so my question is How do I initiate the first move? do I tie her up and do what I want for all these yrs. or just take it easy and make her more comfortable? I just need some pointers from the experts! thanx
Give her what she wants the absolute most, while making it seem as though it’s what you want the most.
As a bisexual Domme with female, male and nonbinary play partners it would be pretty cool if you would stop coaching all your advice in a strict “men are dominant, women are submissive” framework that systematically erases a bunch of practitioners.
Genders are irrelevant, the advice is focused around the power dynamic. It doesn’t matter who’s doing what to whom. There is no “systematic erasing or practitioners”, there’s just a choice made as a writer for two reasons: 1) Reading a articles written to generic sexes sound generic, dampening the effect of the words. “become the Dominant person they need” just doesn’t sound as good to almost all readers. 2) Write what you know. I am a man, it would seem presumptuous of me to write from a woman’s perspective, or to claim to be an authority on how a woman should think, feel, and act. While I don’t honestly believe there’s much of a difference between the two main genders, other people disagree.
So when it comes to marketing written word, you need to have authority, tone, and a market to market to. Perhaps you’re ten times the writer I am, and can do this successfully. If so I look forward to reading your work and learning a thing or two.
I certainly understand that you’re writing to a primarily male target audience who are all at least interested in exploring dominance and I don’t mind article titles like this overmuch. But I think there’s a wide range of space between writing something that’s entirely gender-neutral and writing something that’s narrowly focused on this heterosexual male-dominated paradigm, and I think that (especially because you’re specifically writing this piece to people who have never been in a D/s relationship and who have minimal contact with the community) you have an obligation not to alienate people who don’t fit into that paradigm, and to make sure your readers have at least a vague understanding that there’s more ground here than a dominant man and a submissive woman. Who knows, it might net you a few nascent Dommes.
For the most part, the only narrow focus are the pronouns. If the chosen pronouns invalidate the messages and advice of the articles for you, then I can’t help you. But it’s been my experience corresponding with Doms and Dommes, both straight and gay, that only people looking for a reason to get upset care overly much. I entirely disagree that I have any obligations to meet your own opinions of quality content. It can just as easily be argued that these articles are reaching men (whose relationships have benefited greatly) who would not have found or read the articles if they were directed at females, or generics.
My goal is to teach people (slanted towards straight men) how to be thoughtful, respectful, exciting, Doms. I’m not taking on the fights you seem to expect me to be fighting, because they are not areas in which I feel I can have much sway or benefit. I have chosen to focus my energies on the things in which I am an authority, and have the confidence to discuss at length. I do not have a degree in gender studies, I have lived a largely privileged life and in no way feel confident pretending to understand paradigms in which I have nearly no experience. Again, I encourage you to write these articles yourself, I’ll even allow you to drop a link to them in the comments here.
burn.
Beautifully worded but a BURN.
I’m just a sub trying to get my fiancee into the lifestyle and your articles are fantastic. I have done my reading and given him the links to you, anything else I can do? I want him to own me and to give him complete control but he hasn’t a clue on how to satisfy my need to be his sub. Would you recommend any other articles/writers/websites? This is kind of what will make or break us, I appreciate the help.
as a female with a sub, in a switch relationship, although I am reading this from the flipped perspective I think catering the each gender is insignificant and if you are looking for something more specific than maybe you should do that, keep looking
I have seen plenty of straight and gay females commenting on this site. Yes most comments are male as in this lifestyle most men will be the dominant. As he stated you are just looking to be negative. If you don’t like his work then go else where. No one is forcing you to come here for information.
Beautifully put Sean. I hope your correspondent was able to learn from the excellent example you set for him of honest respectful communication.
Awesome read.
Sean,
As a femdom I totally understand your market and as someone who has had to clean up the mess of macho men who did not understand the difference in being an ass and being a Dom. Also as a psychologist I appreciate your honest writing and redirecting men to be gentleman.
Hi Sean, found your site today after my wife’s prompting last night. She’s given hints, and sometimes we end up, I think, in the middle of a scene without planning. Being the kind of guy I am, wanting to put my wife on the pedestal she deserves, I’ve long struggled with the idea of physically controlling her at any time. Now, it seems like I have a path that I can investigate and follow. Thank you!
You’re most welcome.
I’m in the same boat as you. Glad I could relate.
Sean my wife and I are entering the Dom/sub life after being together 7 years. We’ve been doing what we call the lighter kink stuff for a while like choking and more recently spanking has become a fantastic addition to our sex life. I have been reading your articles for advice on mindset and play and am soo greatful. Thank you and I hope I can contact you sometime soon and maybe discuss more
You’re very welcome. Hope you’re having fun.
Hi Sean, as a submissive I really liked and appreciate your article. After reading it I was hoping to get a little advice or at least your opinion… I’ve been talking to a Dom for almost 2 years off and on. I am in a phase he calls “inconsideration” Everytime we stop talking it’s because I can no longer take feeling like the least important thing in his life. Each time within a few weeks at the most he contacts me, except for this last time. He actually “released” me but we never stopped talking and I was able to convince him to punish me for my wrongdoing and so I am still in consideration. In the nearly two years we have seen each other maybe a handful of times. We do live about 45 min apart and work different schedules. His however is flexible as he owes his business, mine not so much as I work for a company and have a son. But the few times he has wanted to get together I always make it work. He always seems to have time for everything but me… Every time I try to talk seriously about our relationship he gets mad at me. I admit I’m usually pretty angry by this point so say things I shouldn’t, but that’s my point. I can’t say anything to him. I’ve asked him if my opinions and feelings matter he says to a point. For example today is Sunday, the only means I have of contacting him is through kik messenger, but he has logged off so I have no means of contacting him. I’ve been doing research trying to figure out how to be a good sub for him and everything I read says the subs feeling do matter. I don’t feel like I can talk to him because if I say something he doesn’t like he signs off kik and won’t talk to me. How do I be a good sub still maintain my personality yet follow his rules? Rules such as obey without question or hesitation. Always address him as sir. Always ask permission. Always let him know when and where I’m going and when I’ve arrived. what do I do? Your advice would be much appreciated..
M
Meridith… it sounds like you’re in a controlling relationship. Reading what you wrote is not what a D/s should be about. There’s a difference between being controlled and coerced. If he has to threaten you with the cold shoulder to do things in your relationship, that’s not a good dom. A d/s type relationship, at least in my opinion, is about mutual respect and being a good dom means not taking advantage of the trust the sub gives you.
I hope you reconsider the relationship you’re in.
David, thank you for your advice. To be clear, he doesn’t threaten the cold shoulder he just stops talking to me. Like today for example. I told him I was doing research so I could be a better sub. He scolded me and signed off kik. Haven’t heard from him all day. I know you’re right, it’s just not easy to find a decent Dom but I guess this one isn’t really decent so I’m back to square one.. thanks again. M
Honestly, it sounds like he’s just using you for kicks when it’s convenient to him. Now this on it’s own isn’t wrong, but only if he’s very clear about it, and it’s what you expect/need from him. It doesn’t sound like that is the case. I would look for someone who better suits your needs. And yes, your feelings matter, as much as his do. Sub, dom, slave, master, pet, or object: at the end of the day you’re human with emotional needs. It would be ignorant to try and pretend otherwise.
Sean, Thank you for your advice. You didn’t say anything I hadn’t already thought of, but my Dom had me convinced my feeling didn’t matter. I’m still not entirely sure they do but I know I can’t be his knowing he doesn’t really care about me. Thank you for the advice. M
I’ve been married now for a bit over 24years. It seems that my marriage has taught me that:
my opinions are not important.
My friends aren’t ‘really’ my friends
(because my husband doesn’t like them)
My purpose in our relationship is to simply fulfil his sexual needs.
My needs are not relevant
Sexual pleasure is something i can get if I cum during penetration( I’ve never even felt like I’ve passed 1st base during sex)
Apparently. My dreams are,’stupid and only ‘freaks’ that don’t respect women would ever tie them up or spank.’
After stumbling across this thread I am beginning to think things are slightly wrong with me… or my marriage.
He is vanilla and I am wanting a man who… acts and is a REAL man! Real marriage identifies both parties feelings etc or is it only your lifestyle that seems to promote that? Ive been trying to please him and am now thinking I deserve a little in return. Ideas?
FI your post really saddens me because your husband sounds like an abusive ass****. You HAVE the right to be treated with respect & get YOUR needs met!! Everyone does, married or not.
Having friends “outside your marriage” is extremely important & something that should be encouraged by any healthy man/partner. Sounds like he is only discouraging this because he is threatened by their influence on you. This is a trademark of an abuser. To isolate you from the world (family & friends, outside insterests & even work). Don’t give these up! Fight for your independence & keep those friendships: Don’t discount them or believe your abusers beliefs! He’s wrong & it’s very unhealthy.
As for fulfilling your husband’s sexual needs to the detriment of your own pleasure/ needs, this too is VERY Unhealthy!! Your needs are just as valid. You deserve to be respected & he is obviously NOT doing that. This behavior is once again indiciative of an abuser. Get out! Your are being brainwashed (emotionally & psychologically abused). This is NOT how healthy D/s relationships work. Please get help & get out! Contact Domestic Violence refuge (even if he’s not putting a hand on you) & keep talking about it. The breaking of your denial in reading this article is a wonderful 1st step. Keep reaching out for help by talking with your friends & being honest about your situation with qualified professionals. Seek a therapist to help you build your self confidence & independence so that you fee ready & can prepare to move forward in a healthy way. Best of luck to you my dear.
This is a spectacular comment. And I can’t applaud you enough for it.
As for my 2¢: in addition to everything Mistress Lisa said, you need to accept one thing as absolute fact. There is no room for interpretation here: No one, and I mean no one, is ever entitled to take away your happiness. The job of a partner is to help bolden, protect, and inspire their partner. While (as exclusive sexual partners) it is your job to do your best to fulfill desires, this never comes at the expense of costing you your own happiness, and is only, and I mean only, a reasonable thing if he cares the same for you. Right now you’re not investing in a relationship, you’re paying tax.
I am sorry to tell you this, and I know it’s not enjoyable advice to read, but you need to leave. If you see potential in this man to change, and be a good man, that’s great: but it will never happen for you. The only chance is he sees the error of his ways after you leave him. No matter what he says, he will never change for you. I know this because his actions all prove one thing: he doesn’t care about you. He cares about what you can do for him, but you do not matter. Your happiness does not matter. No one has ever gone through the agony of changing themselves in a big way for someone they don’t respect or care about.
But I can promise you a silver lining: it pretty much only gets better from here. Breaking up sucks, it’s scary, it’s painful, but that all passes and then you get to find yourself, your strength, and become the woman you knew you were all along. It will be a beautiful time for you, I promise.
I’ve been reading and re reading both your’s and Mistress Lisa’s comments.
Very confronting, Since my husband has never physically beat me up I haven’t thought of myself as being in an abusive marriage before. But what you both have said… has started me thinking. I feel he has ripped me off for the past 24years, we got married quite young and I just figured if I made sure he was happy than I was doing my job as his wife. Thanks for giving me the chance to see things differently, will keep you posted.
You are getting such quality advice here. Notice the deep level of care. Look for that in anyone you give yourself over to in marriage, in sex, in kink. Your voice has been heard. You have taken the first step to getting to a better life space. Keep going until you are deeply and utterly joyous. You deserve it.
It. Rings me such joy to see our community being there for people like this. May the kindness and care multiply amongst those who share it. May you be lifted up by your honesty and support.
In happy tears.
Great website !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks!
Great site! I love it! I would love for my husband to become involved in this!
Thanks. Send your husband a link 😛
I am a male sub, the problem is I’m hyper sexual I just can’t get enough inside of me.
I have been with my fiance for 2 years now. I had never even considered any pleasure arising from pain. But from the beginning he would smack my ass. It became something I craved and needed. I spoke with him about our relationship and wanting to fully give myself to him, and all control. He agreed and we had an unbelievable scene. Mind blowing, eye opening, just awesome. This has left me craving more, and a true D/s relationship. He says these are only special occasions. He is the only 1 for me, and this is what I want. I 100 percent trust him. What can I do to either ease him into a more permanent change, or learn to live with only the rare special occassions?
All you can do is let him know it’s something you crave with him. You can’t force him to do it, and it takes a lot of work on his behalf. You can try for some inception shit and make him think it’s his idea. Fill his brain with all the crazy sexy amazing things that could happen, only if, and have him lead the way. But if he’s not down, there’s really nothing you can do to force him.
I just found out today that I might have the opportunity to be a dom. I have never done this before and I have some learning to do. I don’t want to disappoint this person because this is something she’s been wanting for some time. This is a great site to begin my education. Thanks.
I’m married to an amazing woman. She’s just * it *, man. The one you wait for. We’ve been together four years and married for two and are so unfreakingbelievably happy together…but, well, she has always liked being choked during sex, her hair pulled, maybe slapped on the ass a bit – and I just thought, hey, she liked things a little rough. A minor kinkiness. That’s cool and all. Then the other day, though, she mentions a relationship that ended long ago because her ex didn’t realize that ‘Just because I crawled across the floor for you, doesn’t mean you own me when the scene is over.’
Blam. Unexpected. But not in a bad way. So I want to step things up and give her the feeling she wants – I’m a pretty assertive guy, I was a sergeant in the airborne infantry and ran a fire crew; I can make a grown man cry using just my words and know how to hurt people without leaving marks.
But this is my wife. I adore her – all I want to do is treat her with tenderness and kindness. If taking over in the bedroom will fill a need for her and make her happy, okay, I’m on board – but it’s sort of hard to approach this goddess that I worship from that direction, you get me?
So…any advice? Anyone?
Sean I would like to thank you for your work. I’m a new Dom and your site is a Huge help. I have been involved in a swinger group setting and have been to BDSM parties at a swingers club many times (I was the security for the club) but never thought I’d be in the lifestyle.
My lady is a natural sub and has hinted at trying this on. She has had 3 Doms (2 in the past and one present) the first was just down right abusive, the second was just a douchbag, and the third though it’s still in it’s infancy he “seems” to know what he’s doing. Her goal is to learn from him what her likes and dislikes are from him so she knows for us. Not sure if this is a good idea or not. I personally am uncomfortable with this since everything I have read states ultimate trust. But that’s another topic. I’m just glad to find your site. I’m already dominant in just about every aspect of our relationship, I’ve always been this way. So thank you
I would like to discuss the later topic with you to get your opinion though.
My wife and I are new to the D/S dynamic in our relationship and I have a couple of questions (many acutally) but I will start easy. I really enjoy spanking my wife on the ass and she does enjoy it as well. I have been experimenting with going harder and she will scream with a big “ouch” but not stop me so I think my level is appropriate. My questions are:
1) When she screamed, I could tell that it hurt but was not sure if she liked it, so I became apologetic, and I think this kind of played with the mood a little bit. Fearing that I would hurt her more, I eventually stopped, but felt she wanted more. Should I just continue and trust in the safe words regardless of what her screams sound like. I want to get this right because it is a big source of pleasure for us. When I did stop and she got back on top of me I noticed that she almost melted into me, with a really sexy look and feel so I feel like I was on the right track but just did not follow it through.
2) The next question is “Do I need a reason to spank?”. I just love the shape of her ass and just get the urge to smack it for no reason, but I am not sure if it needs to be associated with a punishment or not. Do I need to wait until she disobeys, thinking that she eventually will if she wants it, or do I just begin spanking. I love to do this while she is going down on me and I have her stick her ass way in the air, so not much for her to disobey in that moment.
Thanks,
Christo
1) If you know her limits, you have safewords, and neither of those things have been tripped, you can assume it’s all good. Some girls like to be hurt, to scream, to beg, to whimper. If this is where she needs to be taken, then take her there and never apologize. Just be sure of the limits before you start.
2) I hate the idea of spanking only for punishment. It’s too much of a pleasurable activity for too many. Her body is your to use as you desire, spanking included.
Thanks Sean, and this is a great site. As mentioned, we are just beginning with this D/S relationship and there is a lot to learn. The only thing I know is that I do not know how we lived any other way and this needs to be a way forward for the rest of our lives. My wife and I are 49/51 and we keep in great physical shape. We have had a decent sexual life (well we have had regular sex) but it has not been all that good because this element has been missing. I have always been a little more open and have known that she has had this side but definitely kept it under wraps. We had a long discussion and this is the path we both want to go down.
So now I want to do it right. I think the first thing that needs to change is the balance of power in our relationship. Quite frankly, I have felt that my manliness has been slowly stripped from me and I have become, well a big Wuss and I fucking hate it. I think that our society today is structured that way and if you are not careful, before you realize it you are no longer a man. You are like that guy in a sitcom who always gets berated by his wife and cannot handle manly situations and take care of the necessary things, and you have to almost beg for sex. It sucks, I am not making excuses but man I got trapped and fell into it big time. Be sensitive all the time, and find yourself doing things that repulse you.
That said, I am a great guy, I respect my wife (I do not want to belittle her or play games like disassociation and stuff like that. I mean we have a family to run and all that) and think we need to have a balance of power that works for the relationship. We are married 23 years and have three children.
I just want to do this organically and make it come from the inside and that means taking my manliness back. I have started making some changes and I feel it is working and she is starting to want to serve me. A simple example is sometimes we are sitting on the couch watching TV and she finishes a glass of wine. She actually got into the habit of just handing me the glass to get up and go fill it. And I would!!! WTF. Now if I have to get up for something I will ask if she needs something and have no problem getting it but that crosses a line. Last time she did that, I told her that wasn’t fair and I wasn’t going to get up for that. She got pissed and went to bed. But next morning, she was over the top nice and now she just always brings the bottle over and puts it on the table. Gotta start with little things.
In the morning when we get ready for work, before she gets fully dressed she puts on these baggy ugly pajama pants while she is putting on her makeup. This morning I told her to take them off and do her makeup in just panties and bra (So Hot!). She balked at first and I said, just saying if you want to please me…. and she did it. I got the hottest goodbye kiss this morning.
So my point of all this is that I think what I am doing is working and I need to get this piece of our regular daily life back in order to get the full appreciation of the sexual part. Do you agree with this approach and have any tips/advice for starting on this wonderful journey to the D/S world?
Hello Sean, I just came upon this site, and found it extremely informative. I must say I even enjoyed reading many parts of your writings and that of other’s comments.
Although being aware of this lifestyle for many many years, this Dom can still learn much more.
Thank you.
D99
I need to talk to somebody, I need advice, I’m trying to repair my relationship. The love is there for both of us, without a doubt, but I need to become the man I know she needs me to be.
And I have no idea where to start.
Hi sent an unfinished comment. Hate small keyboards. Anyway I just met a young woman who is into BDSM and has sent me this link to your site. Although I haven’t looked for this type of pleasure it has intrigued me but I guess I might be somewhat vanilla for her. I can’t get off on serious pain, I do like to spank her butt and have found some things I do already are part of the BDSM scene. But I’m affraid she has lost interest. She won’t commit totally to me. So I guess I want to learn to be a better Dom and maybe find a Sub that is into me. thanks, I have been research much on the Dom scene and I like to be the Dom but I can’t help but care for the person too. Anyway looking to learn more.
Great site, love all the info. I recently met a Dom online, a real Dom, it’s what I’ve been looking for all my life. He’s sadly not available. How does a Sub find a good Dom for LTR?
I pretty much agree with most of what you wrote except for a couple of things .
It is not role play; it is a power exchange . This means within agreed upon limits BOTH partners exchange power. It is defined.
Both of you have limits. Both of you has the ability to say no and not have a dynamic. Both of you have the ability to end a scene by using a safe word.
In every relationship there is a follower , a leader, or it switches back and forth .
In a D/s mutually agreed upon dynamic both lay out their needs, wants, and desires. This is where brutal honesty comes I to play.
Both build that frame and check in to make sure it is still sturdy.
Once the boundaries have been set, the submissive then yields to the Dom.
The power is handed to the Dom.
At ANY time either one may choose to end the dynamic, NOT just the sub.
M.
I appreciate your writing style. I am just beginning to try to interest my husband in being more dominant. Can men change later in life? Lol.